Potential causes of obsessive love
From The Art and Popular Culture Encyclopedia
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Obsessive love is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another.
Hodgkinson believes several factors create a climate for obsessive love.
- Leisure, because obsessive love almost always coincides with boredom, as stated by Anthropologist Branko Bokun.
- Feelings of vulnerability and a perceived failure to belong because those who feel they do not have a recognised place in the world (e.g., those who are required to perform an unfulfilling job), and/or those undergoing dramatic life changes and the associated fear and lack of self-confidence will seek out an outlet for their anxieties. Hodgkinson believes this is the most important factor.
- An inflated opinion of oneself, as this is believed to ultimately stem from insecurity, with this insecurity driving the obsessed to seek an individual with attributes that they want for themselves.
- Particular childhood experiences, such as deep feelings of unworthiness during childhood that lead the obsessed to seek out one who finds the obsessed similarly unworthy in adulthood.
- Feelings of being special and/or different, as there is an apparent correlation between feelings of distance from peers (whether real or perceived) and obsessive love.
- Inequality between the lover and the beloved, e.g., the beloved may be married/taken, older, too young, famous, far away, from different social class or attractiveness level or otherwise unattainable.
Moore postulates that the way a person "loves" is learned. He suggests that the blueprint of our love styles is passed on to a person through primary relationships during childhood. For example, if a child is not shown healthy love and affection during formative years, the person may go on to gain attention in the form of dysfunctional relationships later in life.
He also suggests that children from alcoholic families may be at greater risk for love addiction (or relationship addiction). Others have suggested that borderline personality types and dependent personality types are at greater risk for relationship addiction.
It is worth noting that almost all of these conditions apply exclusively to the obsessed, and not to the target of their obsession.
Hodgkinson recommends realizing that one who loves obsessively has not fallen in love with a real person, but rather an illusion.
It is estimated that up to 90% of obsessive love is motivated by projection. The obsessed is not falling in love with their target because of any salient properties of the target, but for what that target represents to the obsessed. Hodgkinson suggests regression therapy as the most useful remedy.
Moore suggests that cognitive therapy, which is a type of counseling approach focused on what is happening in the "here and now" is the most effective treatment for love addiction. Challenging irrational thoughts, often based in fantasy is believed to be an important tool in the healing process. He also suggests support groups (such as sex and love addicts anonymous).
In some rare cases, the situation is different. It is true that usually the obsessed is not in love with the person per se but rather with his idea, his mental image of the person, which are two completely different realities usually. However sometimes certain cases were observed where the object of obsession was not exactly unattainable, in which X became obsessed about Z due to a real feeling or experience which Z gave to X.
Due to this newfound emotion X formed an immediate bond with Z. The reason of the obsession is the very quick separation of that bond in a physical way.
