United States Department of Porno Actors Registration
From The Art and Popular Culture Encyclopedia
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United States Department of Porno Actors Registration (pre-2004) was a sketch on Mad TV.
- Stephnie Weir: Clerk
- Ike Barinholtz: Brad Clingman/ Penis DeMilo
- Ron Pederson: Tommy Salami
- Michael McDonald: Winnie the Poo-Hole
- Josh Meyers: Sean “Puffy†Nipples
- Bobby Lee: Hung Lo
- Paul Vogt: Ronald McFondled
- Melissa Paull: Pizza Delivery Girl
Full text
Clerk: Next!
Brad: Hi, is this where I register to be a porn star?
Clerk: This is where you start!
Brad: In theory, I don’t want to be a “star†I just want to be a working porn actor.
Clerk: I need your name please.
Brad: Brad Clingman.
Clerk: You’re not going to get much work with that name.
Brad: Oh no, that’s my real name.
Clerk: Well I need the porn name that you want to re-gis-ter.
Brad: I was thinking about Penis DeMilo
Clerk: Allright, let me check. (Clerk searches computer database by slamming her hands on the keys) yep, that’s available.
Brad: YES!
Clerk (stamping papers): You wanna take this over to window 3 and take the written test.
Brad (walking off): Thank you.
Clerk: Next! (Tommy (then nameless) walks over to the clerks desk with an arrogant smirk) name?
Tommy: Penis (flicks paper) DeMilo.
Clerk: Just (flicks Tommy’s paper) taken.
Tommy: You- you’re kidding me! That was my first choice!
Clerk: No, not kidding you. Pick another name.
Tommy: Um… George Pooney.
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): Taken.
Tommy: Uh… uh Squirt Reynolds?
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): Taken.
Tommy: Alright… Saddong Hussein!
Clerk: Oh… get real! That is the hottest name going.
Tommy: I think I’m going to need a little bit more time to think about this.
Clerk: Well I need you to move over to the ‘Porn name consideration area’ right over there
(Tommy grabs his paper and walks over to the consideration area where are number of men are thinking aloud about their porn star names)
Clerk: Next! Name please.
Winnie: Uh… Luke Thighwalker…
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): It’s taken.
Winnie: Uh… how about Darth Invader?
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): Sorry it’s taken.
Winnie: Obi Come-On Bone-Me?
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): I’ll check it out but… oh, it’s taken. All the Star Wars names are taken. C3P-Blow, R2-DO-ME…
Winnie: Alright, um… How about Captain James T. Pork?
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): It’s taken. Star Wars, Star Trek… they’re all taken.
Winnie: The Sperminator?
Clerk: the Sperminator is taken, yes.
Winnie: I’m going to have to think on the spot… uh… Winnie the Poo-Hole?
(recklessly types on keyboard until she discovers the name is available, then starts recklessly stamping his papers. When finished, she hands them to him and he walks off)
Clerk: Next! (Ronald McFondled in a clown suit walks up to the desk) name please?
Ronald: Ronald McFondled.
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): Yup, that’ll be fine. (Stamps papers) take this over to window 5 and uh have your picture taken.
Ronald: Well, I’ve got my clown make-up on.
Clerk: They’re not taking a picture of your face, honey. (Clown walks away) Next! (Hung Low walks over to the Clerk’s desk) Hi, name please?
Hung: Hung Low.
Clerk: That’s a great name! You’re going to do really well in this. Let me just check it out. (recklessly types on keyboard) Yup, it’s available, it’s available (Stamps papers)
Hung: So where do I pick up my drivers license?
Clerk: Oh… honey, you want the DMV, that’s next door. (Hands Hung his papers as he walks off) What a shame. Next!
Tommy (running back into the queue): I got it!
Sean (walks over to the Clerk’s desk): Sean ‘Puffy’ Nipples.
Tommy: Damn that was mine! (Walks back to consideration area)
Clerk (recklessly typing on keyboard): Yup, that’s good, that’s available… (Stamps papers) let me see… (recklessly types on keyboard and swings her head in circular motions) Would you like Sean Puffy “hard†Nipples? That’s available.
Sean: Just Nipples.
Clerk: Alright… (Stamps papers) take it over to window 8, get measured.
Pizza Girl (enters building and goes to the Porn name consideration area): I have a large salami… for Tommy? Tommy, Salami?
(All the guys in the consideration area run for the clerk’s desk and apply for the name ‘Tommy Salami’)
Tommy: I got it! I got it!
See also
