Of a Fool, Who Thought His Wife Had Two Openings  

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Train wreck at Montparnasse (October 22, 1895) by Studio Lévy and Sons.
Train wreck at Montparnasse (October 22, 1895) by Studio Lévy and Sons.

"Of a Fool, Who Thought His Wife Had Two Openings" is a facetia collected by Poggio in Facetiae.

A peasant of our district, a stupid devil, who was utterly ignorant in matters of sex, got married. Thus it happened one night that his wife turned her back to him in bed, so that her buttocks rested in his lap. He had his weapon ready and landed by chance right in the goal. Marveling at his success, he inquired of his wife if she had two openings. And when she answered in the affirmative, he cried: “Hoho! I am content with but one; the second is entirely superfluous.” Upon which the sly woman, who was secretly consorting with the local priest, replied: “Then we can give the second away to charity. Let us grant it to the church and our priest.” The peasant, thinking to be relieved of an unnecessary burden, agreed.

Accordingly, the priest was invited to the evening meal, and the matter was set before him. Thereafter, the three ate heartily and then proceeded to bed, being careful to have the woman between them. The priest, hungry for this rare tit-bit, made the first advances, which the woman answered with soft whispers and familiar sounds. At this, the peasant, fearing that the priest was attempting to trespass on his side of the fence, called out: “Hey there, old friend, remember the agreement. You stick to your own side, and let mine alone!” But the priest was equal to the occasion. “God forbid!” he replied. “I care nothing for your possessions, so long as the property of the church is at my disposal.”

With these words he reassured the dull peasant, who thereupon urged him to continue to serve himself at his own discretion with the share which had been granted to the church. --Anonymous English translation[1]

Latin original


Homo e nostris rusticanus, et haud multum prudens, certe in coitu mulierum rudis, sumpta uxore, cum illa aliquando in lecto renes versus virum volvens, nates in ejus gremio posuisset, erecto telo uxorem casu cognovit. Admiratusque postmodum et rogans mulierem, an duos cunnos haberet, cum illa annuisset: «Ho, ho,» inquit, «mihi unus satis est, alter vero superfluus.» Tum callida uxor, quae a Sacerdote parochiano diligebatur: «Possumus,» inquit, «ex hoc eleemosynam facere; demus eum Ecclesiae et Sacerdoti nostro, cui haec res erit gratissima, et tibi nihil oberit, cum unus sufficiat tibi.» Assentit vir uxori, et in gratiam sacerdotis, et ut se onere superfluo levaret. Igitur, eo vocato ad cenam, causaque exposita, cum sumpto cibo lectum unum tres ingrederentur, ita ut mulier media esset, vir anteriori parte, posteriori alter ex dono uteretur, Sacerdos famelicus concupitique cibi avidus, prior aggreditur aciem sibi commissam: qua in re uxor quoque submurmurans strepitum quemdam edebat. Tunc vir timens ne partes suas aggrederetur: «Serva,» inquit, «amice, inter nos conventa, et tua portione utere, meam intactam relinquens.» Huic Sacerdos: «Det mihi gratiam Deus,» inquit, «nam tua parvi facio, ut bonis tantum Ecclesiae uti possim.» His verbis acquiescens stultus ille, quod Ecclesiae concesserat, libere uti iussit.

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