History of Insipids
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History of Insipids (1676) is a poem formerly attributed to John Wilmot. It is a devastating attack on the government of Charles II.
- "The History of Insipids was written neither by Rochester nor by Marvell but by John Freke." --The ABC of Lit Crit, Frank H. Ellis
Full text
The History of Insipids by John Freke 1.
Chaste, pious, prudent Charles the Second,
The miracle of thy restoration
May like to that of quails be reckoned,
Rained on the Israelitish nation;
The wished-for blessing which Heaven sent
Became their curse and punishment.
2.
The virtues in thee, Charles, inherent
(Although thy countenance be an odd piece)
Prove thee as true a God's vicegerent
As e'er was Harry with the codpiece;
For chastity and pious deeds,
His grandsire Harry Charles exceeds.
3.
Our Romish bondage-breaker Harry
Espoused half a dozen wives;
Charles only one resolves to marry,
And other men's he never swives.
Yet hath he sons and daughters more
Than e'er had Harry by threescore.
4.
Never was such a Faith's Defender:
He, like a politic prince and pious,
Gives liberty to conscience tender
And doth to no religion tie us:
Jews, Christians, Turks, Papists, he'll please us,
With Moses, Mahomet, Pope, and Jesus.
5.
In all affairs of church and state
He very zealous is and able,
Devout at prayer and sits up late
At the Cabal and council-table;
His very dogs at council-board
Sit grave and wise like any lord.
6.
Let Charles's policy no man flout —
The wisest kings have all some folly —
Nor let his piety any doubt;
Charles, like a sovereign wise and holy,
Makes young men judges of the bench
And bishops those that love a wench.
7.
His father's foes he doth reward,
Preferring those cut off his head;
Old Cavaliers, the crown's best guard,
He leaves to starve for want of bread.
Never was any prince endued
With so much grace and gratitude.
8.
Blood that wears treason in his face,
Villain complete, in parson's gown,
How much is he at court in grace
For stealing Ormonde and the crown?
Since loyalty doth no man good,
Let's seize the king and outdo Blood.
9.
A Parliament of knaves and sots
(Members by name we must not mention)
He keeps in pay and buys their votes,
Here with a place, there with a pension.
When to give money he can't collogue them
He doth with scorn prorogue, prorogue them.
10.
But they long since, by too much giving,
Undid, betrayed, and sold the nation,
Making their memberships a living
Better than e'er was sequestration.
God give thee, Charles, a resolution
To damn them all by dissolution.
11.
Fame is not founded on success:
Though victories were Caesar's glory,
Lost battles made not Pompey less,
But left him styled great in story.
Malicious Fate doth oft devise
To beat the brave and fool the wise.
12.
Charles in the first Dutch war stood fair
To have been master of the deep,
When Opdam blew up in the air,
Had not His Highness gone to sleep.
Our fleet slacked sails, fearing his waking;
The Dutch else had been in sad taking.
13.
The Bergen business was well laid,
Though we paid dear for that design,
Had we not three days parling stayed,
The Dutch fleet there, Charles, had been thine:
Though the false Dane agreed to sell 'um,
He cheated us and saved Skellum.
14.
Had not Charles sweetly choused the states,
By Bergen baffle grown more wise,
And made them shit as small as rats,
By their rich Smyrna fleet's surprise,
Had haughty Holmes but called in Spragge,
Hans had been put into a bag.
15.
Mists, storms, short victuals, adverse winds,
And once the navy's wise division,
Defeated Charles's best designs,
Till he became the foe's derision.
But he had swinged the Dutch at Chatham,
Had he had ships but to come at 'em.
16.
Our Blackheath host without dispute
(Raised, put on board, why, no man knows)
Must Charles have rendered absolute
Over his subjects or his foes;
Had not the French king made us fools
By taking Maastricht with our tools.
17.
But Charles, what could thy policy be,
To run so many sad disasters,
Joining thy fleet with false d'Estrees,
To make the French of Holland masters?
Was't Carwell, brother James, or Teague
That made thee break the Triple League?
18.
Could Robin Viner have foreseen
The glorious triumphs of his master,
The Woolchurch statue gold had been,
Which now is only alabaster:
But wise men think, had it been wood,
'Twere for a bankrupt king too good.
19.
Those that the fabric well consider,
Do of it diversely discourse;
Some pass their censure on the rider,
Others their judgments on the horse.
Most say the steed's a goodly thing,
But all agree 'tis a lewd king.
20.
By the lord mayor and his wise coxcombs,
Freeman of London Charles is made;
Then to Whitehall a rich gold box comes,
Which is bestowed on the French jade.
But wonder not it should be so, sirs,
When monarchs rank themselves with grocers.
21.
Cringe, scrape no more, you City fops,
Leave off your feasting and fine speeches,
Beat up your drums, shut up your shops,
The courtiers then may kiss your breeches.
Arm, tell that Romish duke that rules,
You're free-born subjects, no French mules.
22.
New upstarts, pimps, bastards, whores,
That locust-like devour the land,
By shutting up th' Exchequer doors
When thither our money was trepanned,
Have rendered, Charles, thy restoration
A curse and plague unto the nation.
23.
Then, Charles, beware thy brother York,
Who to thy government gives law;
If once we fall to the old work,
You must again both to Breda,
Where, spite of all that would restore you,
Turned commonwealth, we will abhor you.
24.
If of all Christian blood the guilt
Cry loud for vengeance unto Heaven,
That sea by Charles and Louis spilt
Can never be by God forgiven:
Worse scourges to their subjects, lord,
Than pestilence, famine, fire, and sword.
25.
The wolf of France and British goat,
One Europe's scorn, t'other her curse
(This fool, that knave, by public vote,
Yet hard to say which is the worse),
To think such kings, lord, reign by thee
Were most prodigious blasphemy.
26.
They know no law but their own lust:
Their subjects' substance and their blood
They count a tribute due and just,
Still spent and spilt for public good.
If such kings be by God appointed,
The devil is then the Lord's anointed.
27.
Of kings cursed be the power and name,
Let all the earth henceforth abhor 'em;
Monsters which knaves sacred proclaim
And then like slaves fall down before 'em.
What can there be in kings divine?
The most are wolves, goats, sheep, or swine.
28.
Then farewell, sacred Majesty,
Let's pull all brutish tyrants down!
Where men are born and still live free,
There ev'ry head doth wear a crown.
Mankind, like miserable frogs,
Is wretched, kinged by storks or logs.
See also
