Simplicius Simplicissimus  

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'''''Der abenteuerliche Simplicissimus Teutsch''''', known in [[English language|English]] as '''''Simplicius Simplicissimus''''' and other titles (see below), is a [[German language|German]] [[picaresque novel]] of the [[Baroque]] style, written in [[1668]] by [[Hans Jakob Christoffel von Grimmelshausen]] and published the subsequent year. Inspired by the [[Thirty Years' War]], it is regarded as the first adventure novel in the German language. It contains autobiographic elements, inspired by Grimmelshausen's experience in the war. '''''Der abenteuerliche Simplicissimus Teutsch''''', known in [[English language|English]] as '''''Simplicius Simplicissimus''''' and other titles (see below), is a [[German language|German]] [[picaresque novel]] of the [[Baroque]] style, written in [[1668]] by [[Hans Jakob Christoffel von Grimmelshausen]] and published the subsequent year. Inspired by the [[Thirty Years' War]], it is regarded as the first adventure novel in the German language. It contains autobiographic elements, inspired by Grimmelshausen's experience in the war.
 +==Full text[https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/33858/pg33858.txt]==
 +THE ADVENTUROUS
 +
 + Simplicissimus
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + _The first English Edition of_
 + Simplicissimus
 + _is limited to 1000 copies_
 + _of which this is No_. 11.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +[Illustration: Facsimile title page of the first German Edition.]
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + Der Abentheursiche
 + SIMPLICISSIMUS
 + Teutsch
 + Das ist:
 + Die Beschreibung dess Lebes eines
 + seltzamen Vaganten / genant Melchior
 + Sternfels von Fuchshaim / wo und welcher
 + gestalt Er nemlich in diese Welt kommen / was
 + er darinn gesehen / gelernet / erfahren und
 + aussgestanden / auch warumb er solche wieder
 + feywillig quittirt.
 +
 + Überauss lustig / und männiglich
 + nutzlich zu lesen.
 + An Tag geben
 + Von
 +
 + German Schleifheim
 + von Sulsfort.
 +
 +
 +
 + Monpelgart /
 + Gedruckt bey Johann Fillion /
 + Im Jahr M DC LXIX.
 +
 +
 + Facsimile title page of the first German Edition.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + THE ADVENTUROUS
 +
 + Simplicissimus
 +
 +
 + BEING THE DESCRIPTION OF THE LIFE
 + OF A STRANGE VAGABOND NAMED
 +
 + MELCHIOR STERNFELS VON FUCHSHAIM
 +
 + WRITTEN IN GERMAN BY
 +
 + HANS JACOB CHRISTOPH
 + VON GRIMMELSHAUSEN
 +
 + AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME
 + DONE INTO ENGLISH
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + LONDON
 + WILLIAM HEINEMANN
 + MCMXII
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + _Copyright_ 1912
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + TO
 + DR. OTTO SCHLAPP
 +
 + Lecturer in German in the University of Edinburgh,
 + as a tribute to his successful endeavours
 + to promote the knowledge of the
 + German Classics in Britain, and in
 + memory of a mutual friend,
 + Robert Fitzroy Bell
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +CONTENTS
 +
 +
 +INTRODUCTION
 +
 +
 +BOOK I.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: Treats of Simplicissimus' rustic descent and of his
 +upbringing answering thereto
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: Of the first step towards that dignity to which
 +Simplicissimus attained, to which is added the praise of shepherds and
 +other excellent precepts
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: Treats of the sufferings of a faithful bagpipe
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus' palace was stormed, plundered, and
 +ruinated, and in what sorry fashion the soldiers kept house there
 +
 +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus took french leave and how he was
 +terrified by dead trees
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: Is so short and so prayerful that Simplicissimus thereupon
 +swoons away
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus was in a poor lodging kindly entreated
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus by his noble discourse proclaimed his
 +excellent qualities
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: How Simplicissimus was changed from a wild beast into a
 +Christian
 +
 +_Chap. x._: In what manner he learned to read and write in the wild
 +woods
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: Discourseth of foods, household stuff, and other necessary
 +concerns, which folk must have in this earthly life
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: Tells of a notable fine way, to die happy and to have
 +oneself buried at a small cost
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus was driven about like a straw in a
 +whirlpool
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: A quaint comedia of five peasants
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus was plundered, and how he dreamed of
 +the peasants and how they fared in times of war
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: Of the ways and works of soldiers nowadays, and how
 +hardly a common soldier can get promotion
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: How it happens that, whereas in war the nobles are ever
 +put before the common men, yet many do attain from despised rank to
 +high honours
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus took his first step into the world
 +and that with evil luck
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus was captured by Hanau and Hanau by
 +Simplicissimus
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: In what wise he was saved from prison and torture
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: How treacherous Dame Fortune cast on Simplicissimus a
 +friendly glance
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: Who the hermit was by whom Simplicissimus was cherished
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a page: and likewise, how the
 +hermit's wife was lost
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: How Simplicissimus blamed the world and saw many idols
 +therein
 +
 +_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus found the world all strange and the
 +world found him strange likewise
 +
 +_Chap. xxvi._: A new and strange way for men to wish one another luck
 +and to welcome one another
 +
 +_Chap. xxvii._: How Simplicissimus discoursed with the secretary, and
 +how he found a false friend
 +
 +_Chap. xxviii._: How Simplicissimus got two eyes out of one calf's-head
 +
 +_Chap. xxix._: How a man step by step may attain unto intoxication and
 +finally unawares become blind drunk
 +
 +_Chap. xxx._: Still treats of naught but of drinking bouts, and how to
 +be rid of parsons thereat
 +
 +_Chap. xxxi._: How the Lord Governor shot a very foul fox
 +
 +_Chap. xxxii._: How Simplicissimus spoiled the dance
 +
 +
 +
 +BOOK II.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: How a goose and a gander were mated
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: Concerning the merits and virtues of a good bath at the
 +proper season
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: How the other page received payment for his teaching, and
 +how Simplicissimus was chosen to be a fool
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: Concerning the man that pays the money, and of the
 +military service that Simplicissimus did for the Crown of Sweden:
 +through which service he got the name of Simplicissimus
 +
 +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus was by four devils brought into hell and
 +there treated with Spanish wine
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: How Simplicissimus went up to heaven and was turned into a
 +calf
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus accommodated himself to the state of a
 +brute beast
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: Discourseth of the wondrous memory of some and the
 +forgetfulness of others
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: Crooked praise of a proper lady
 +
 +_Chap. x._: Discourseth of naught but heroes and famous artists
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: Of the toilsome and dangerous office of a Governor
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: Of the sense and knowledge of certain unreasoning animals
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: Of various matters which whoever will know must either
 +read them or have them read to him
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: How Simplicissimus led the life of a nobleman, and how
 +the Croats robbed him of this when they stole himself
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: Of Simplicissimus' life with the troopers, and what he saw
 +and learned among the Croats
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus found goodly spoils, and how he became
 +a thievish brother of the woods
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus was present at a dance of witches
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: Doth prove that no man can lay to Simplicissimus'
 +charge that he doth draw the long bow
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus became a fool again as he had been a
 +fool before
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: Is pretty long, and treats of playing with dice and what
 +hangs thereby
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: Is somewhat shorter and more entertaining than the last
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: A rascally trick to step into another man's shoes
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: How Ulrich Herzbruder sold himself for a hundred ducats
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: How two prophecies were fulfilled at once
 +
 +_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus was transformed from a boy into a girl
 +and fell into divers adventures of love
 +
 +_Chap. xxvi._: How he was imprisoned for a traitor and enchanter
 +
 +_Chap. xxvii:_ How the Provost fared in the battle of Wittstock
 +
 +_Chap. xxviii._: Of a great battle wherein the conqueror is captured in
 +the hour of triumph
 +
 +_Chap. xxix._: How a notably pious soldier fared in Paradise, and how
 +the huntsman filled his place
 +
 +_Chap. xxx._: How the huntsman carried himself when he began to learn
 +the trade of war: wherefrom a young soldier may learn somewhat
 +
 +_Chap. xxxi._: How the devil stole the parson's bacon and how the
 +huntsman caught himself
 +
 +
 +
 +BOOK III.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: How the huntsman went too far to the left hand
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: How the huntsman of Soest did rid himself of the huntsman
 +of Wesel
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: How the Great God Jupiter was captured and how he
 +revealed the counsels of the gods
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: Of the German hero that shall conquer the whole world and
 +bring peace to all nations
 +
 +_Chap. v._: How he shall reconcile all religions and cast them in the
 +same mould
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: How the embassy of the fleas fared with Jupiter
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: How the huntsman again secured honour and booty
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: How he found the devil in the trough, and how
 +Jump-i'-th'-field got fine horses
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: Of an unequal combat in which the weakest wins the day and
 +the conqueror is captured
 +
 +_Chap. x._: How the Master-General of Ordnance granted the huntsman his
 +life and held out hopes of great things
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: Contains all manner of matters of little import and great
 +imagination
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: How fortune unexpected bestowed on the huntsman a noble
 +present
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: Of Simplicissimus' strange fancies and castles in the
 +air, and how he guarded his treasure
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: How the huntsman was captured by the enemy
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: On what condition the huntsman was set free
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus became a nobleman
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: How the huntsman disposed himself to pass his six
 +months: and also somewhat of the prophetess
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: How the huntsman went a wooing, and made a trade of it
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: By what means the huntsman made friends, and how he was
 +moved by a sermon
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: How he gave the faithful priest other fish to fry, to
 +cause him to forget his own hoggish life
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus all unawares was made a married man
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: How Simplicissimus held his wedding feast and how he
 +purposed to begin his new life
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus came to a certain town (which he
 +nameth for convenience Cologne) to fetch his treasure
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: How the huntsman caught a hare in the middle of a town
 +
 +
 +
 +BOOK IV.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: How and for what reason the huntsman was jockeyed away into
 +France
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus found a better host than before
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: How he became a stage player and got himself a new name
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus departed secretly and how he believed
 +he had the Neapolitan disease
 +
 +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus pondered on his past life, and how with
 +the water up to his mouth he learned to swim
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: How he became a vagabond quack and a cheat
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: How the doctor was fitted with a musquet under Captain
 +Curmudgeon
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus endured a cheerless bath in the Rhine
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: Wherefore clergymen should never eat hares that have been
 +taken in a snare
 +
 +_Chap. x._: How Simplicissimus was all unexpectedly quit of his musquet
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: Discourses of the Order of the Marauder Brothers
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: Of a desperate fight for life in which each party doth
 +yet escape death
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: How Oliver conceived that he could excuse his brigand's
 +tricks
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: How Oliver explained Herzbruder's prophecy to his own
 +profit, and so came to love his worst enemy
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus thought more piously when he went
 +a-plundering than did Oliver when he went to church
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: Of Oliver's descent, and how he behaved in his youth, and
 +specially at school
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: How he studied at Liège, and how he there demeaned
 +himself
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: Of the homecoming and departure of this worshipful
 +student, and how he sought to obtain advancement in the wars
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus fulfilled Herzbruder's prophecy to
 +Oliver before yet either knew the other
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: How it doth fare with a man on whom evil fortune doth rain
 +cats and dogs
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: A brief example of that trade which Oliver followed,
 +wherein he was a master and Simplicissimus should be a prentice
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: How Oliver bit the dust and took six good men with him
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a rich man and Herzbruder
 +fell into great misery
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: Of the manner in which Herzbruder fell into such evil
 +plight
 +
 +
 +
 +BOOK V.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: How Simplicissimus turned palmer and went on a pilgrimage
 +with Herzbruder
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus, being terrified of the devil, was
 +converted
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: How the two friends spent the winter
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: In what manner Simplicissimus and Herzbruder went to the
 +wars again and returned thence
 +
 +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus rode courier and in the likeness of
 +Mercury learned from Jove what his design was as regards war and peace
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: A story of a trick that Simplicissimus played at the spa
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: How Herzbruder died and how Simplicissimus again fell to
 +wanton courses
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus found his second marriage turn out,
 +and how he met with his dad and learned who his parents had been
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: In what manner the pains of childbirth came upon him, and
 +how he became a widower
 +
 +_Chap. x._: Relation of certain peasants concerning the wonderful
 +Mummelsee
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: Of the marvellous thanksgiving of a patient, and of the
 +holy thoughts thereby awakened in Simplicissimus
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: How Simplicissimus journeyed with the sylphs to the
 +centre of the earth
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus returned from the middle of the
 +earth, and of his strange fancies, his air-castles, his calculations;
 +and how he reckoned without his host
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus wasted his spring in the wrong place
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: Treats of a trifling promenade from the Black Forest to
 +Moscow in Russia
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus further fared in Moscow
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: By what a short and merry road he came home to his dad
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: Is very short and concerneth Simplicissimus alone
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: Why and in what fashion Simplicissimus left the world
 +again
 +
 +
 +
 +APPENDIX A
 +CONTINUATION
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus and a carpenter escaped from a
 +shipwreck with their lives and were thereafter provided with a land of
 +their own
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: How they hired a fair cook-maid and by God's help were rid
 +of her again
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: How they thereafter kept house together and how they set
 +to work
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: Further sequel of the above story, and how Simon Meron
 +left the island and this life, and how Simplicissimus remained the sole
 +lord of the island
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: In which the hermit concludes his story and therewith
 +ends these his six books
 +
 +
 +
 +APPENDIX B
 +
 +
 +
 +APPENDIX C
 +
 +"Continuatio," _chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus in return for a
 +night's lodging, taught his host a curious art
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +[Illustration: Frontispiece of the First Edition from the Ducal
 +Library. Wolf Buettel.]
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + INTRODUCTION
 +
 +
 +The translation here presented to the public is intended rather as a
 +contribution to the history, or perhaps it should be said the
 +sociology, of the momentous period to which the romance of
 +"Simplicissimus" belongs, than as a specimen of literature. Effective
 +though its situations are, consistent and artistic though its
 +composition is (up to a certain point), its interest lies chiefly in
 +the pictures, or rather photographs, of contemporary manners and
 +characters which it presents. It has been said with some truth that if
 +succeeding romancers had striven as perseveringly as our author to
 +embody the spirit and reflect the ways of the people, German fiction
 +might long ago have reached as high a development as the English novel.
 +As it is, there is little of such spirit to be discovered in the prose
 +romances which appeared between the time of Grimmelshausen and that of
 +Jean Paul Richter. But the influence of the latter was completely swept
 +away in the torrent of idealism by which the fictions of the idolised
 +Goethe and his followers were characterised, and his domestic realism
 +has only of late made its reappearance in disquieting and sordid forms.
 +
 +It should be remembered as an apology for the stress now laid upon the
 +sociological side of the history of the Thirty Years War, that that
 +side has by historians been resolutely thrust into the background. The
 +most detailed and painstaking narratives of the war are either bare
 +records of military operations or, worse still, represent merely
 +meticulous and valueless unravellings of the web of intrigue with which
 +the pedants of the time deceived themselves into the belief that they
 +were very Machiavels of subtlety and resource. While the Empire was
 +bleeding to death, the chancelleries of half Europe were intent on the
 +detaching from one side or the other of a venal general, or the
 +patching up of some partial armistice that might afford breathing-time
 +to organise further mischief. It does not matter much to any one
 +whether Wallenstein was knave or fool, but it did matter and does
 +matter that the war crippled for two hundred years the finances, the
 +agriculture, and the enterprise of the German people, and dealt a blow
 +to their patriotism from the like of which few nations could have
 +recovered. Even the character of the civil administration was
 +completely altered when the struggle ended. An army of capable
 +bourgeois secretaries and councillors had for centuries served their
 +princes and their fellow subjects well. It is wonderful that throughout
 +the devastating wars waged by Wallenstein and Weimar, and even later on
 +during the organised raids of Wrangel and Königsmark, the records were
 +kept, the village business administered (where there was a village
 +left), and even revenue collected with wellnigh as much regularity as
 +in time of peace. These functionaries, who had worked so well, were at
 +the end of the war gradually dispossessed of their influence, and their
 +posts were taken by a swarm of young place-hunters of noble birth whom
 +the peace had deprived of their proper employment, and whose pride was
 +only equalled by their incapacity. But neither particulars nor
 +generalisations bearing on such subjects are to be found in the pages
 +of professional historians; they must be sought in the contemporary
 +records of the people, of which the present work affords one of the few
 +existing specimens, or else in the work of picturesque writers who,
 +laying no claim to the title of scientific investigators, yet possess
 +the power of selecting salient facts and deducing broad conclusions
 +from them. Freitag's "Bilder aus der Deutschen Vergangenheit" indicates
 +a wealth of material for sociological study which has as yet been but
 +charily used; and recent German works dealing directly with the subject
 +are more remarkable for elegance of production than for depth of
 +research.
 +
 +Such being the purpose for which this translation has been undertaken,
 +an Introduction to it must necessarily be concerned not so much with
 +the bibliography of the book or even the sources, if any, to which the
 +author was beholden for his material, as with his own personality and
 +the amount of actual fact that underlies the narrative of the
 +fictitious hero's adventures. In respect of the first point, we are
 +presented with a biography almost as shadowy and elusive as that of
 +Shakespeare. In many ways, indeed, the particulars of the lives of
 +these two which we possess are curiously alike. Both were voluminous
 +writers; both enjoyed considerable contemporary reputation; and in both
 +cases our knowledge of their actual history is confined to a few
 +statements by persons who lived somewhat later than themselves, and a
 +few formal documents and entries. In Grimmelshausen's case this
 +obscurity is increased by his practice of publishing under assumed
 +names. In the score of romances and tracts which are undoubtedly his
 +work, we find only two to which his real name is attached. He has nine
 +other pseudonyms, nearly all anagrams of the words "Christoffel von
 +Grimmelshausen." Of these, "German Schleifheim von Sulsfort" and
 +"Samuel Greifnsohn vom Hirschfelt" are the best known; the latter being
 +the name to which he most persistently clung, and under which
 +"Simplicissimus" was published, though the former appears on the
 +title-page as that of the "editor." Only as the signature to a kind of
 +advertisement at the end do we find the initials of "Hans Jacob
 +Christoffel von Grimmelshausen," his full name. Until the publication
 +of a collection of his works by Felsecker at Nuremberg in 1685, the
 +true authorship of most of them remained unknown. But that editor, by
 +his allusions in the preface, practically identified the writer as the
 +"Schultheiss of Renchen, near Strassburg," whom he seems to have known
 +personally. The reasons for anonymity were, no doubt, firstly, the fact
 +that "Simplicissimus" at least dealt with the actions of men yet
 +alive; and secondly, with regard to the other books, the continual
 +references to details of the author's own life and opinions. His dread
 +of offending a contemporary is shown by his disguising of the name of
 +St. André, the commandant of Lippstadt, as N. de S. A. of L. (bk. iii.,
 +chap. 15).
 +
 +It is unnecessary here to enter into a discussion of the authorities
 +from whom the meagre particulars of Grimmelshausen's life are drawn. It
 +may suffice for our present purpose to indicate the main events of that
 +life. He was born at Gelnhausen, near Hanau, about 1625--probably of a
 +humble family. At the age of ten he was captured by Hessian (that is,
 +be it remembered, anti-Imperialist) troops, and became a member of that
 +"unseliger Tross"--the unholy crew of horseboys, harlots, sutlers, and
 +hangers-on who followed the armies on both sides, and sometimes
 +outnumbered them three to one. In 1648, the last year of the war, the
 +whole Imperial army only numbered 40,000 fighting men, and the
 +recognised camp-followers, who were commanded and kept in order by
 +officers significantly named the "Provosts of the Harlots," no less
 +than 140,000. In the preface to one of his works called the "Satyrical
 +Pilgrim," Grimmelshausen speaks of himself as having been "a
 +musqueteer" at the age of ten--a statement which is obviously to be
 +taken in the same sense in which Simplicissimus tells us (bk. ii.,
 +chap. 4) how he "served the crown of Sweden" at a similar age as a
 +soldier, and drew pay for it. As a matter of fact, Grimmelshausen
 +probably served a musqueteer or several musqueteers, just as the "Boy"
 +in Henry V. serves Ancient Pistol and his comrades. From another book,
 +the "Everlasting Almanack," we learn that he was a soldier under the
 +Imperialist general Götz, lay in garrison at Offenburg, the free city
 +alluded to in book v., chapter 20, and also for a long time in the
 +famous fortress of Philippsburg, of his residence in which he tells
 +various anecdotes. There are traces both in "Simplicissimus" and his
 +other books of a wide and unusual acquaintance with many lands, German
 +and non-German. He knows both Westphalia and Saxony well; Bohemia also:
 +and certainly Switzerland. The journey to Russia may have some
 +foundation in fact, though the statement put into the mouth of
 +Simplicissimus that he has himself seen the fabulous "sheep plant" (bk.
 +v., chap. 22) growing in Siberia considerably detracts from his
 +trustworthiness here. But when he left the army, and whether he ever
 +attained to any reputable rank therein, is quite uncertain. If 1625 be
 +the correct date of his birth he would be but twenty-three years old at
 +the conclusion of peace.
 +
 +Besides his military expeditions, it is pretty clear from his works
 +that he had visited Amsterdam and Paris and knew them fairly well; but
 +for nineteen years we have no further trace of his career, till he
 +suddenly appears as Schultheiss, under the Bishop of Strassburg, of
 +Renchen, now in the Grand Duchy of Baden, a town of which he
 +deliberately conceals the name exactly as he does his own, by anagrams,
 +calling it now Rheinec, now Cernheim. In October 1667 he appears as
 +holding this office and issuing an order concerning the mills of the
 +town, which is still in existence. His wife was Katharina Henninger,
 +and entries have been found of the birth of two children, a daughter
 +and a son, in 1669 and 1675. A curious episode in the first part of the
 +"Enchanted Bird's-nest," quoted hereafter, seems to indicate a grave
 +family disappointment. In 1676 he died, aged fifty-one only, but having
 +reached what may almost be called a ripe age for the battered and spent
 +soldier of the Thirty Years War. The entry of his death is peculiarly
 +full and even discursive, and tells how though he had again entered on
 +military service--no doubt on the occasion of the French invasion in
 +1674--and though his sons and daughters were living in places widely
 +distant from each other, they were all present at his death, in which
 +he was fortified by the rites of Holy Church. A final touch of
 +uncertainty is added by the fact that we do not even know whether
 +Grimmelshausen was his true name: it is more likely to be that of some
 +small estate which he had acquired, and of which he assumed the name
 +when, as we learn, he was raised to noble rank.
 +
 +It is plain even from this brief outline of his life that
 +Grimmelshausen was emphatically a self-taught man; and it is partly to
 +this fact that we owe the originality of his work; for he had never
 +fallen under the baleful influence of the pedantry of his time. He had,
 +it is true, picked up a deal of out-of-the-way knowledge, which he is
 +willing enough to set before us to the verge of tediousness. But his
 +learning is very superficial; he was a poor Latinist; and it is likely
 +that for most of his erudition he was indebted to the translations
 +which were particularly plentiful during that golden period of material
 +prosperity in Germany which preceded the terrible war. It is clear
 +enough that everywhere he thought more of the content than of the
 +literary form of his own or any other work; and for the times his
 +scientific and mathematical knowledge was considerable. In the field of
 +romance he knows, and does not hesitate to borrow from, Boccaccio,
 +Bandello ("Simplicissimus," bk. iv., chaps. 4, 5), and the "Cent
 +Nouvelles Nouvelles," while in his minor works he shows ample
 +acquaintance with old German legend and also with stories like that of
 +King Arthur of England. Lastly, we find him commending the
 +"incomparable Arcadia" of Sir Philip Sidney (which he would have read
 +in the translation of Martin Opitz) as a model of eloquence, but
 +corrupting and enervating in its effect upon the manly virtues
 +("Simplicissimus," bk. iii., chap. 18).
 +
 +Yet his own earlier works are themselves in the tedious, unreal, and
 +stilted style of the romances of chivalry. "The Chaste Joseph,"
 +"Dietrich and Amelind," and "Proximus and Limpida," though widely
 +different in subject, are alike in this, and show no sign of the genius
 +which created Simplicissimus. Yet for the first-named work--the
 +"Joseph"--its author cherished an unreasoning affection, and even
 +alludes to it in our romance as the work of the hero himself (bk. iii.,
 +chap. 19). But it is no discredit to Grimmelshausen's originality if we
 +conjecture that the translations of Spanish picaresque novels (chiefly
 +by the untiring Aegidius Albertini), which appeared during the first
 +two decades of the seventeenth century, gave him the idea--they gave
 +him little or nothing more--of a vagabond hero. Mateo Aleman's famous
 +"Guzman de Alfarache" had been succeeded by two miserably poor "Second
 +Parts" by different authors, and in one of these there appears a
 +tedious episode containing the submarine adventures of the hero under
 +the form of a tunny-fish, to which we may conceivably owe the equally
 +tedious story of Simplicissimus and the sylphs of the Mummelsee. At the
 +end of the original book (bk. v., chap. 24) is an unblushing copy of a
 +passage from a work of Antonio Quevara or Guevara, also translated by
 +Albertini.
 +
 +That Grimmelshausen died a Romanist is pretty clear from the entry of
 +his death quoted above; nor is it likely that a Protestant could have
 +held the office of Schultheiss under the Bishop of Strassburg. There is
 +also extant a curious dialogue ascribed to Grimmelshausen in which
 +Simplicissimus's arguments against changing his religion are combated
 +and finally overthrown by a certain Bonarnicus, who effects his
 +complete conversion. It is far from improbable that the account of his
 +rescue from sinful indifference at Einsiedel which Simplicissimus gives
 +(bk. v., chap. 2)--of course apart from the miraculous incident of the
 +attack on him by the unclean spirit--roughly represents the experience
 +of his author. That the latter had been brought up a Protestant we
 +simply assume from the fact that Simplicissimus is understood to have
 +been so; the first indication which we have of a change in his opinions
 +being his exclamation of "Jesus Maria!" (bk. iii., chap. 20), which
 +draws upon him the suspicions of the pastor at Lippstadt. But Papist or
 +not, our author's superstition is unmistakable.
 +
 +It was indeed a time, like all periods of intense human misery, in
 +which men, it might almost be said, turned in despair to the powers of
 +hell because they had lost all faith in those of heaven. That numbers
 +of the unhappy wretches who suffered in their thousands for witchcraft
 +during the first period of the war actually believed themselves in
 +direct communication with the devil is certain. The Bishop of
 +Würzburg's fortnightly "autos-da-fé" were only stopped when some of the
 +victims denounced the prelate himself as their accomplice, apparently
 +believing it. Grimmelshausen is ready to believe anything. His
 +description of the Witches' Sabbath is that of a scene which he is
 +firmly convinced is a possible one; and he stoutly defends by a
 +multitude of preposterous stories the reasonableness of such conviction
 +("Simplicissimus," bk. ii., chaps. 17, 18). But among soldiers the most
 +widely spread superstition was that concerned with invulnerability. Not
 +only separate individuals, but whole bodies of troops were supposed to
 +be "frozen," or proof, at all events, against leaden bullets. Christian
 +of Brunswick actually employed his ducal brother's workers in glass to
 +make balls of that material to be used against Tilly's troops, who were
 +credited with this supernatural property; and when the small fortress
 +of Rogäz, near Dessau, was captured by Mansfeld in 1626, the assailants
 +were forbidden to use their fire-arms as useless; the members of the
 +garrison, being wizards all, were clubbed to death with hedge-stakes or
 +the butt-ends of musquets. In all probability this superstition arose
 +mainly from observation of the very small penetrating power of the
 +ammunition of the time. Oliver (bk. iv., chap. 14) is merely bruised on
 +the forehead by a bullet fired a few paces off: and bullets then
 +weighed ten to the pound. It is true that he has, as it seems, been
 +rendered ball-proof by the wicked old Provost Marshal, whose skull
 +Herzbruder (bk. ii., chap. 27) caused his own servant to split with an
 +axe at Wittstock, when no pistol could slay him: but the peasant in
 +book i., chapter 14, cannot be killed by a bullet fired close to his
 +head, perhaps by reason of the thickness of his skull. To celebrated
 +persons particularly the reputation of being "gefroren" attached. Count
 +Adam Terzky, Wallenstein's confidant, was supposed to be so protected:
 +the superstition regarding Claverhouse, who could only be killed with a
 +silver bullet, is well known: and even as late as 1792 there was a
 +belief among his soldiers that Frederick William II. of Prussia was
 +invulnerable. Grimmelshausen's adventuress "Courage" (of whom more
 +hereafter) is supposed to be "sword-and bullet-proof": and towards the
 +end of the war "Passau Tickets," or amulets protecting against wounds,
 +were manufactured and sold, while a host of minor magic arts, more or
 +less connected with invulnerability, were believed to exist. For such
 +tricks the passage from the generally uninteresting "Continuatio,"
 +which is given as Appendix B of this book, is a kind of "locus
 +classicus."
 +
 +Another whole cycle of superstitions centres round the belief in
 +possible invisibility of persons. Of this we have no example in
 +"Simplicissimus," though the whole plot of the delightful double
 +romance of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest" (also fully discussed hereafter)
 +depends on it. On the other hand, the story of the production of the
 +puppies from the pockets of the colonel's guests by the wizard Provost
 +in book, ii., chap. 22, is narrated by a man who plainly believed such
 +things possible; and absolute credence is given to the powers of
 +prophecy possessed both by old Herzbruder (bk. ii., chaps. 23, 24) and
 +by the fortune-teller of Soest (bk. iii., chap. 17), who is apparently
 +a well-known character of the times. It is noteworthy that Herzbruder
 +thinks meanly of the art of palmistry.
 +
 +Coming to the actual career of Simplicissimus as chronicled in the
 +romance which bears his name, we are at the outset confronted by some
 +strange chronology. The boy is born just after the battle of Höchst in
 +1622, and is captured by the troopers when ten years old; he is with
 +the hermit two years (bk. i., chap. 12) till the latter's death, and
 +makes his first "spring into the world" after the battle of Nördlingen
 +in the autumn of 1634. He is in Hanau during Ramsay's rule, and spends
 +there the winter of 1634-5. In the spring of 1635 (there was still ice
 +on the town-moat) he was captured by Croats. The following eighteen
 +months are occupied by his adventures as a forest-thief and as a
 +servant-girl, and the next certain note of time we have is that of the
 +battle of Wittstock, September 24, 1636. There follow the happenings at
 +Soest and the six months internment at Lippstadt. But at the time of
 +the siege of Breisach, in the winter of 1638, he has long been back
 +from Paris; his marriage, therefore, must have taken place before the
 +completion of his sixteenth year. Strange as this may appear, the story
 +appears to be deliberately so arranged. For it will be observed that
 +just before the lad's capture by the Swedes it is plainly implied (bk.
 +iii., chap. 11) that he has not yet arrived at the age of puberty.
 +Grimmelshausen intends him to be a "Wunderkind"--a youthful prodigy;
 +and such an explanation is far more likely than that the author is
 +simply careless and counting on the carelessness of his readers to
 +conceal the incongruity. For the continual references to the time of
 +year at which various events happen seem to prove that he had sketched
 +for himself something like a chronology of his fictitious hero's life.
 +And it is exceedingly difficult ever to detect him in the smallest
 +false note of time. The date of the banquet and dance at Hanau is
 +exactly fixed by the capture of Braunfels in January 1635 (bk. i.,
 +chap. 29): and Orb and Staden _had_ both been captured before
 +Simplicissimus could well have delivered his oration on the miseries of
 +a governor (bk. ii., chap. 12). These may seem small matters, but it
 +must be remembered that Grimmelshausen had no Dictionary of Dates
 +before him. The battle of Jankow in 1645 gives us the last exact date
 +to be found in the book, and Tittmann is probably right in assuming
 +that with that engagement the author's personal connection with the war
 +ceased. By the time Simplicissimus returns from his Eastern wanderings
 +the "German Peace" had been concluded.
 +
 +At the very beginning of Simplicissimus's story he is brought in
 +contact with at least one historical personage--James Ramsay, the
 +Swedish commandant of Hanau, whose heroic defence of that town is well
 +known. Simplicissimus is said to be the son of his brother-in-law, one
 +Captain Sternfels von Fuchsheim. This man's Christian name is nowhere
 +given; the boy is expressly said by his foster-father (bk. v., chap.
 +8) to have been christened Melchior after himself, and the fictitious
 +character of the supposed parentage seems amply proved by the fact that
 +the whole name, "Melchior Sternfels von Fugshaim" (as it is often
 +spelt), is an exact anagram of "Christoffel von Grimmelshausen." We may
 +therefore pass over as unmeaning the attribution to this supposed
 +father of "estates in Scotland." by the pastor in book i., chapter 22,
 +and must probably consign to the realms of imagination the lady-mother,
 +Susanna Ramsay, also. That Grimmelshausen was really brought in
 +contact, possibly as a page, with the commandant of Hanau, seems
 +likely. He knows a good deal of him. But of his later career he is
 +quite ignorant; he even repeats as true the malignant calumny
 +circulated by the Jesuits of Vienna to the effect that Ramsay had gone
 +mad with rage at the loss of Hanau (bk. v., chap. 8). As a matter of
 +fact, the poor man died partly of his wounds and partly of a broken
 +heart. The only other historic personage in the story who can be
 +identified with certainty is Daniel St. André, a Hessian soldier of
 +fortune (bk. iii., chap. 15) of Dutch descent, and commanding at
 +Lippstadt for the "Crown of Sweden."
 +
 +For what reason Grimmelshausen wrote the "Continuatio," a dull medley
 +of allegories, visions, and stories of knavery, brightened only by the
 +"Robinsonade" at the end, it is hard to say; probably at the urgent
 +request of his publisher, when the striking success of the original
 +work became assured. It appeared at Möpelgard (Montéliard) in the very
 +same year, viz. 1669, as the first known edition, or more probably
 +editions, of the first five books, and is sometimes quoted as a sixth
 +book. Two years later there were issued three more "Continuations,"
 +even more unworthy of their author, and laying stress chiefly on
 +the least estimable side of the hero's character--the roguery
 +by which he paid his way on his journey back from France. The
 +worthlessness of these sequels is the more remarkable when we consider
 +the excellence of the other books which make up what may be called the
 +Simplicissimus-cycle. These are "Trutzsimplex," "Springinsfeld," the
 +two parts of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest," and the "Everlasting
 +Almanack." They are all deserving of attention.
 +
 +The first, which is also known as the "Life of the Adventuress
 +'Courage,'" appeared immediately after "Simplicissimus," with which
 +it is connected by the fact that the heroine is none other than the
 +light-minded lady of the Spa at Griesbach, the alleged mother of
 +Simplicissimus's bastard son; she is also at one time the wife or
 +companion of "Springinsfeld" or "Jump i' th' Field," Simplicissimus's
 +old servant. Her history, which is narrated with extraordinary
 +vivacity, covers nearly the whole period of the war, and is interwoven
 +with the remaining books of the cycle in a sufficiently ingenious
 +manner. A secretary out of employ is driven by the cold into the warm
 +guest-room of an inn in a provincial town. Here he finds a huge old man
 +armed with a cudgel "that with one blow could have administered extreme
 +unction to any man." This is Simplicissimus, with the famous club that
 +had so terrified the resin-gatherers of the Black Forest
 +("Simplicissimus," bk. v., chap. 17). Either the episode of the Desert
 +Island is left out of account altogether--possibly not yet invented--or
 +he has not yet started on his final journey. The latter is unlikely,
 +for the date is indicated as 1669 or 1670. To these two enters an old
 +wooden-legged fiddler who turns out to be Simplicissimus's faithful
 +knave, "Jump i' th' Field." Of the former hero the secretary had read;
 +of the latter he himself had written; for meeting, as a poor wandering
 +scholar, with a gang of gipsies in the Schwarzwald, he had been engaged
 +by their queen, an aged but still handsome woman, to write her history,
 +on the promise of a pretty wife and good pay. He is cheated of both,
 +and the gipsies disappear with their queen, who is in fact the famous
 +"Courage" or "Kurrasche."
 +
 +The daughter of unknown parents, this heroine was living in a small
 +Bohemian town with an old nurse when the Imperialists, under Bucquoy,
 +conquered the country in 1620. She was then thirteen years old, and
 +thus fifteen years senior to Simplicissimus. The nurse, to protect her
 +chastity, disguises her as a boy, and in this garb she becomes page to
 +a young Rittmeister, to whom, her secret having been all but discovered
 +in a scuffle, she reveals her sex and becomes his mistress. The name
 +Courage is, for amusing but quite unmentionable reasons, given to her
 +in consequence of this episode. To her first lover she is actually
 +married on his death-bed, and now begins her career nominally as an
 +honourable widow, but in reality as an accomplished courtesan. She
 +still follows the army, for which she has an invincible love, and
 +being, of course, "frozen" or invulnerable, takes part in various
 +fights, in one of which she captures a major, who, when she in turn is
 +taken prisoner, revenges himself on her in the vilest fashion. He is
 +preparing to hand her over, according to custom ("Simplicissimus," bk.
 +ii., chap. 26), "to the horseboys," when she is rescued by a young
 +Danish nobleman, who proposes to make her his wife. The terrible story
 +is told with an exactness of detail, which plainly can only be the work
 +of the witness of similar scenes, and it is to be feared represents
 +only too faithfully the truth as to the treatment of women in the war.
 +It is remarkable, however, that few officers of high rank on either
 +side are accused of wanton offences against public morals. Holk and
 +Königsmark are the only two who are charged with publicly keeping their
 +mistresses; and they were the two most brutal commanders of their time.
 +As a rule superior officers took their wives with them ("Simplicissimus,"
 +bk. ii., chap. 25) even to the field of battle, and if such ladies fell
 +into the enemy's hands, as did many after Nördlingen, they were
 +treated with all possible respect.
 +
 +But to return to "Courage." Her Danish lover is about to marry her when
 +he too dies, and after this disappointment she sinks lower and lower in
 +the social scale, forming temporary connections successively with a
 +captain, a lieutenant, a corporal and finally with a musqueteer, who is
 +no other than our old friend "Jump i' th' Field," for whose name she
 +gives us a very complete and quite untranslatable reason. With him she
 +journeys, as a Marketenderin or female sutler, to Italy, following the
 +army of Colalto and Gallas, and there, with his assistance, she plays a
 +variety of tricks, always knavish and often highly diverting. Grown
 +rich, the vivandière dismisses poor "Jump i' th' Field" with a handsome
 +present, and again resumes her trade of a superior courtesan in the
 +town from which she journeys to the Spa, where she found and beguiled
 +Simplicissimus. Her luck now turns; owing to a scandalous adventure
 +under a pear-tree--the story is a mere copy of a well-known one in the
 +"Hundred New Novels"--she is expelled from the town with the loss of
 +all her money and almost of her life--so severe in the matter of public
 +morals were the laws, in the midst of the general welter of wickedness
 +then prevailing. Her beauty lost, she becomes a petty trader in wine
 +and tobacco, and finally marries a gipsy chief; in which position we
 +find her and leave her.
 +
 +This story ended, the secretary and his friends in the inn are joined
 +by Simplicissimus's old foster-father and mother--the "Dad" and "Mammy"
 +of our romance--and also by young Simplicissimus, Courage's alleged
 +son. She has avenged herself on her faithless lover, as she tells us in
 +her own history, by laying at his door the child of her maid. It is for
 +this reason that she entitles her narrative "Trutzsimplex," or "Spite
 +Simplex." Her revenge, however, for reasons plainly hinted at,
 +miscarries; the child is her lover's after all. The merry company of
 +six then divert themselves during the short winter afternoon with a
 +profitable exhibition of Simplicissimus's tricks in the market-place,
 +and the night is pleasantly spent in listening to Springinsfeld's
 +account of his own life and adventures.
 +
 +The son of a Greek woman and an Albanian juggler, he follows in early
 +boyhood his father's trade. Carried away from the port of Ragusa by an
 +accident, he is landed in the Spanish Netherlands, and there serves
 +under Spinola, then with that general's army in the Rhine Palatinate,
 +and then in Pappenheim's cavalry. He is present at Breitenfeld and
 +Lützen, and while temporarily out of the service falls in with
 +"Courage" as above narrated. On leaving her, he sets up as an
 +innkeeper, and prospers, but is ruined through his own incorrigible
 +knavery. Serving against the Turks, he is wounded, and takes to
 +fiddling to support himself, marrying also a hurdy-gurdy girl of loose
 +character. In the course of their vagabond life there occurs the
 +incident which leads to the most ingenious and attractive of all the
 +romances of the cycle.
 +
 +Sitting by a stream, they see in the water the shadow of a tree with a
 +lump on one of the branches: on the tree itself there is no such lump.
 +It is a bird's-nest, invisible itself, which makes its possessor
 +invisible also. The wife seizes it and at once disappears, with all
 +their money in her pocket. She does not, however, abandon her husband
 +altogether, but when he goes into the neighbouring town of Munich she
 +slips a handful of money into his pocket. He finds that this is a part
 +of the proceeds of an impudent robbery just committed in the house of a
 +merchant, and will have none of it, but is compelled to be witness of
 +numerous amusing and mischievous pranks played by his wife of which he
 +alone knows the secret. He goes to the wars again and loses a leg,
 +after which he begs his way back to Munich and finds his wife dead. She
 +has befooled a young baker's man into believing her to be the fairy
 +Melusina, and after a sanguinary chance-medley in the baker's chamber,
 +whither she is pursued for thefts committed for his sake, is slain by a
 +young halberdier of the watch sent to arrest her. Her body is burned as
 +that of a witch, and her slayer disappears bodily. His story thus
 +ended, Springinsfeld is taken home by Simplicissimus to his farm, where
 +he dies in the odour of sanctity.
 +
 +Here begins the first part of the history of the "Enchanted
 +Bird's-nest." The young halberdier is an honest lad, who uses his
 +powers for good only, and his experiences are of exceeding interest as
 +giving a picture of the manners of the time viewed in their most
 +intimate particularities by an invisible witness. We have matrimonial
 +infelicities circumstantially described, as likewise the efforts
 +of an impoverished family of nobles to keep up appearances in their
 +tumble-down old castle. The halberdier prevents hideous and unspeakable
 +crime, captures burglars who are effecting their purpose by a device
 +similar to that of the "hand of glory," wreaks vengeance upon
 +loose-living pastors and rescues the intended victims of footpads. The
 +adventures follow one upon another in quick succession, but are ended
 +by a somewhat unnecessary fit of remorse, during which the halberdier
 +tears up the nest. It is, however, found, and the portion which
 +contains its magic properties kept, by a passer-by. This First Part
 +ends with a fresh appearance of Simplicissimus, who is in deep grief
 +over the rejection by a neighbouring nobleman of his application for a
 +post for his son, whom the invisible halberdier has seen and helped out
 +of trouble in the convent where he was studying. This scene is so
 +utterly unconnected with the course of the narrative that it is
 +conjectured to refer to some real family misfortune of Grimmelshausen,
 +of which he is anxious to give an explanation to the public.
 +
 +The new owner of the enchanted nest is the merchant whom
 +Springinsfeld's wife had robbed at Munich, and the "Second Part" is
 +occupied with the story of his wicked misuse of his powers. His actions
 +are the very opposite of the halberdier's, though the contrast is not
 +so pointed as to become inartistic. He makes use of his supernatural
 +facilities to seduce his own servant, to perpetrate a peculiarly filthy
 +act of revenge upon his faithless wife, and finally to accomplish the
 +crowning deception of his whole career. He makes his way into the
 +family of a respectable Portuguese Jew, in the first instance with a
 +view to robbery; but becoming enamoured of the beautiful daughter of
 +the house, he employs his invisibility to practise a most blasphemous
 +piece of knavery. He succeeds in making the unfortunate parents believe
 +that the maiden is destined to be the mother of the future Messiah by
 +the prophet Elias. The latter part he of course plays himself, and
 +enjoys the society of his victim till at length a child is born, which
 +turns out, to the general horror, to be a girl. The motive is not new
 +and the story is a sordid one; but it is most artistically recounted,
 +and an intimate knowledge of Jewish manners and ideas is displayed. The
 +narrative is also diversified by an element found in none of the other
 +romances of the cycle--acute and farsighted political discourses and
 +reasonings on European affairs as likely to be affected by the war then
 +impending with France, which ended with the treaty of Nimwegen in 1678.
 +
 +Rendered desperate by his sins, though now deeply enamoured of the
 +unfortunate Jewess Esther, the merchant is on the verge of surrendering
 +himself to the power of "black magicians" of the worst and most
 +diabolical kind when he escapes by betaking himself to the wars.
 +Possessing besides his invisibility the power of rendering himself
 +invulnerable, he is nevertheless wounded by a "consecrated" bullet, and
 +finally makes his way home in poverty and misery accompanied by a pious
 +monk. The nest is thrown into the Rhine and disappears for ever, and
 +the merchant prepares to spend the remainder of his life in prayer and
 +penitence.
 +
 +The connection of the fifth work, the "Everlasting Almanack," with
 +Simplicissimus is nominal only. It appeared in 1670, and is a perfect
 +specimen of what may be called the best class of chapbooks of that day.
 +It is the Whitaker's Almanack of the period. Each day has its special
 +saints given: there are rules of good husbandry and weather
 +prognostics; recipes for the house, the kitchen, and the farmyard;
 +together with matters adapted for the higher class of readers, such as
 +brief scientific notices, fragments of historical interest, narratives
 +of marvellous occurrences, and, of course, in the spirit of the time, a
 +mass of particulars as to astrology and the casting of horoscopes.
 +Ingenious as it all is, and not without interest from the sociological
 +point of view the book reminds us of Simplicissimus only by its
 +connection with that side of his character which we would willingly
 +forget, but for which Grimmelshausen seems to have cherished an
 +unreasoning admiration, and on which he insisted more and more in his
 +successive works--namely his qualities as a quack and mountebank.
 +
 +As already pointed out, the interest of the central romance of
 +"Simplicissimus" is less literary than historic, whereas German critics
 +in their estimate of its value have considered the first aspect only,
 +and their opinions are consequently little worth recording. Gervinus
 +for example, looking at the book from a purely artistic point of view,
 +finds it wanting. Other critics have followed him blindly and with a
 +considerable amount of underlying ignorance to boot. The accurate
 +Dahlmann, for example, though he reckons the romance among his
 +"historical sources," speaks of it as published at Möpelgard in 1669 in
 +six "volumes." Plainly he had never seen a copy, but had heard of the
 +six books (five and the "Continuation") and mistook them for volumes.
 +Tittmann, one of the latest editors of the work, sums up its chief
 +merits when he says: "Simplicissimus and the Simplician writings are
 +almost our only substitute, and that a poor one, for the contemporary
 +memoirs in which our western neighbours are so rich."
 +
 +The bibliography of the book is for our purpose not important. For a
 +year or two editions seem to have succeeded each other with such
 +rapidity that it is difficult to distinguish between them; but the only
 +additional value which those printed later than 1670 possess is the
 +questionable one of including the three worthless little sequels above
 +referred to. Of modern editions the best, perhaps, is that of Tittmann
 +(Leipzig, 1877), which has been principally used for this translation.
 +The annotations, however, leave much to be desired; many difficulties
 +are left unexplained, and there are some positive mistakes, of which a
 +single instance may suffice. In book v., chapter 4, we find the
 +expression "in prima plana," which is a sufficiently well-known
 +military phrase of the time and means "on the first page" (of the
 +muster-roll), which contained the names of the officers of a company
 +written separately from those of the rank and file. It is explained by
 +Tittmann to mean "at the first estimate," and succeeding editors have
 +copied this, adding as a possible alternative "in the first
 +engagement," or "at the first start". The editions for school and
 +family reading which are current in Germany are, as a rule, so
 +expurgated as to deprive the book of much of its interest. In this
 +translation it has been found necessary to omit a single episode only,
 +which is as childishly filthy as it is utterly uninteresting.
 +
 + A. T. S. G.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + BOOK I.
 +
 +_Chap. i._: TREATS OF SIMPLICISSIMUS'S RUSTIC DESCENT AND OF HIS
 +UPBRINGING ANSWERING THERETO
 +
 +There appeareth in these days of ours (of which many do believe that
 +they be the last days) among the common folk, a certain disease which
 +causeth those who do suffer from it (so soon as they have either
 +scraped and higgled together so much that they can, besides a few pence
 +in their pocket, wear a fool's coat of the new fashion with a thousand
 +bits of silk ribbon upon it, or by some trick of fortune have become
 +known as men of parts) forthwith to give themselves out gentlemen and
 +nobles of ancient descent. Whereas it doth often happen that their
 +ancestors were day-labourers, carters, and porters, their cousins
 +donkey-drivers, their brothers turnkeys and catchpolls, their sisters
 +harlots, their mothers bawds--yea, witches even: and in a word, their
 +whole pedigree of thirty-two quarterings as full of dirt and stain as
 +ever was the sugar-bakers' guild of Prague. Yea, these new sprigs of
 +nobility be often themselves as black as if they had been born and bred
 +in Guinea.
 +
 +With such foolish folk I desire not to even myself, though 'tis not
 +untrue that I have often fancied I must have drawn my birth from some
 +great lord or knight at least, as being by nature disposed to follow
 +the nobleman's trade had I but the means and the tools for it. 'Tis
 +true, moreover, without jesting, that my birth and upbringing can be
 +well compared to that of a prince if we overlook the one great
 +difference in degree. How! did not my dad (for so they call fathers in
 +the Spessart) have his own palace like any other, so fine as no king
 +could build with his own hands, but must let that alone for ever. 'Twas
 +painted with lime, and in place of unfruitful tiles, cold lead and red
 +copper, was roofed with that straw whereupon the noble corn doth grow,
 +and that he, my dad, might make a proper show of nobility and riches,
 +he had his wall round his castle built, not of stone, which men do find
 +upon the road or dig out of the earth in barren places, much less of
 +miserable baked bricks that in a brief space can be made and burned (as
 +other great lords be wont to do), but he did use oak, which noble and
 +profitable tree, being such that smoked sausage and fat ham doth grow
 +upon it, taketh for its full growth no less than a hundred years; and
 +where is the monarch that can imitate him therein? His halls, his
 +rooms, and his chambers did he have thoroughly blackened with smoke,
 +and for this reason only, that 'tis the most lasting colour in the
 +world, and doth take longer to reach to real perfection than an artist
 +will spend on his most excellent paintings. The tapestries were of the
 +most delicate web in the world, wove for us by her that of old did
 +challenge Minerva to a spinning match. His windows were dedicated to
 +St. Papyrius for no other reason than that that same paper doth take
 +longer to come to perfection, reckoning from the sowing of the hemp or
 +flax whereof 'tis made, than doth the finest and clearest glass of
 +Murano: for his trade made him apt to believe that whatever was
 +produced with much pains was also more valuable and more costly; and
 +what was most costly was best suited to nobility. Instead of pages,
 +lackeys, and grooms, he had sheep, goats, and swine, which often waited
 +upon me in the pastures till I drove them home. His armoury was well
 +furnished with ploughs, mattocks, axes, hoes, shovels, pitchforks, and
 +hayforks, with which weapons he daily exercised himself; for hoeing and
 +digging he made his military discipline, as did the old Romans in time
 +of peace. The yoking of oxen was his generalship, the piling of dung
 +his fortification, tilling of the land his campaigning, and the
 +cleaning out of stables his princely pastime and exercise. By this
 +means did he conquer the whole round world so far as he could reach,
 +and at every harvest did draw from it rich spoils. But all this I
 +account nothing of, and am not puffed up thereby, lest any should have
 +cause to jibe at me as at other newfangled nobility, for I esteem
 +myself no higher than was my dad, which had his abode in a right merry
 +land, to wit, in the Spessart, where the wolves do howl goodnight to
 +each other. But that I have as yet told you nought of my dad's family,
 +race and name is for the sake of precious brevity, especially since
 +there is here no question of a foundation for gentlefolks for me to
 +swear myself into; 'tis enough if it be known that I was born in the
 +Spessart.
 +
 +Now as my dad's manner of living will be perceived to be truly noble,
 +so any man of sense will easily understand that my upbringing was like
 +and suitable thereto: and whoso thinks that is not deceived, for in my
 +tenth year had I already learned the rudiments of my dad's princely
 +exercises: yet as touching studies I might compare with the famous
 +Amphistides, of whom Suidas reports that he could not count higher than
 +five: for my dad had perchance too high a spirit, and therefore
 +followed the use of these days, wherein many persons of quality trouble
 +themselves not, as they say, with bookworms' follies, but have their
 +hirelings to do their ink-slinging for them. Yet was I a fine performer
 +on the bagpipe, whereon I could produce most dolorous strains. But as
 +to knowledge of things divine, none shall ever persuade me that any lad
 +of my age in all Christendom could there beat me, for I knew nought of
 +God or man, of Heaven or hell, of angel or devil, nor could discern
 +between good and evil. So may it be easily understood that I, with such
 +knowledge of theology, lived like our first parents in Paradise, which
 +in their innocence knew nought of sickness or death or dying, and still
 +less of the Resurrection. O noble life! (or, as one might better say, O
 +noodle's life!) in which none troubles himself about medicine. And by
 +this measure ye can estimate my proficiency in the study of
 +jurisprudence and all other arts and sciences. Yea, I was so perfected
 +in ignorance that I knew not that I knew nothing. So say I again, O
 +noble life that once I led! But my dad would not suffer me long to
 +enjoy such bliss, but deemed it right that as being nobly born, I
 +should nobly act and nobly live: and therefore began to train me up for
 +higher things and gave me harder lessons.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: OF THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THAT DIGNITY TO WHICH
 +SIMPLICISSIMUS ATTAINED, TO WHICH IS ADDED THE PRAISE OF SHEPHERDS AND
 +OTHER EXCELLENT PRECEPTS
 +
 +For he invested me with the highest dignity that could be found, not
 +only in his household, but in the whole world: namely, with the office
 +of a shepherd: for first he did entrust me with his swine, then his
 +goats, and then his whole flock of sheep, that I should keep and feed
 +the same, and by means of my bagpipe (of which Strabo writeth that in
 +Arabia its music alone doth fatten the sheep and lambs) protect them
 +from the wolf. Then was I like to David (save that he in place of the
 +bagpipe had but a harp), which was no bad beginning for me, but a good
 +omen that in time, if I had any manner of luck, I should become a
 +famous man: for from the beginning of the world high personages have
 +been shepherds, as we read in Holy Writ of Abel, Abraham, Isaac,
 +Jacob, and his sons: yea, of Moses also, which must first keep his
 +father-in-law his sheep before he was made law-giver and ruler over six
 +hundred thousand men in Israel.
 +
 +And now may some man say these were holy and godly men, and no Spessart
 +peasant-lads knowing nought of God? Which I must confess: yet why
 +should my then innocence be laid to my charge? Yet, among the heathen
 +of old time you will find examples as many as among God's chosen folk.
 +So among the Romans were noble families that without doubt were called
 +Bubulci, Vituli, Vitellii, Caprae, and so forth, because they had to do
 +with the cattle so named, and 'tis like had even herded them. 'Tis
 +certain Romulus and Remus were shepherds, and Spartacus that made the
 +whole Roman world to tremble. What! was not Paris, King Priam's son, a
 +shepherd, and Anchises the Trojan prince, Aeneas's father? The
 +beautiful Endymion, of whom the chaste Luna was enamoured, was a
 +shepherd, and so too the grisly Polypheme. Yea, the gods themselves
 +were not ashamed of this trade: Apollo kept the kine of Admetus, King
 +of Thessaly; Mercurius and his son Daphnis, Pan and Proteus, were all
 +mighty shepherds: and therefore be they still called by our fantastic
 +poets the patrons of herdsmen. Mesha, King of Moab, as we do read in II
 +Kings, was a sheep-master; Cyrus, the great King of Persia, was not
 +only reared by Mithridates, a shepherd, but himself did keep sheep;
 +Gyges was first a herdsman, and then by the power of a ring became a
 +king; and Ismael Sophi, a Persian king, did in his youth likewise herd
 +cattle. So that Philo, the Jew, doth excellently deal with the matter
 +in his life of Moses when he saith the shepherd's trade is a
 +preparation and a beginning for the ruling of men, for as men are
 +trained and exercised for the wars in hunting, so should they that are
 +intended for government first be reared in the gentle and kindly duty
 +of a shepherd: all which my dad doubtless did understand: yea, to know
 +it doth to this hour give me no little hope of my future greatness.
 +
 +But to come back to my flock. Ye must know that I knew as little of
 +wolves as of mine own ignorance, and therefore was my dad the more
 +diligent with his lessons: and "lad," says he, "have a care; let not
 +the sheep run far from each other, and play thy bagpipe manfully lest
 +the wolf come and do harm, for 'tis a four-legged knave and a thief
 +that eateth man and beast, and if thou beest anyways negligent he will
 +dust thy jacket for thee." To which I answered with like courtesy,
 +"Daddy, tell me how a wolf looks: for such I never saw yet." "O thou
 +silly blockhead," quoth he, "all thy life long wilt thou be a fool:
 +thou art already a great looby and yet knowest not what a four-legged
 +rogue a wolf is." And more lessons did he give me, and at last grew
 +angry and went away, as bethinking him that my thick wit could not
 +comprehend his nice instruction.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: TREATS OF THE SUFFERINGS OF A FAITHFUL BAGPIPE
 +
 +
 +So I began to make such ado with my bagpipe and such noise that 'twas
 +enough to poison all the toads in the garden, and so methought I was
 +safe enough from the wolf that was ever in my mind: and remembering me
 +of my mammy (for so they do use to call their mothers in the Spessart
 +and the Vogelsberg) how she had often said the fowls would some time or
 +other die of my singing, I fell upon the thought to sing the more, and
 +so make my defence against the wolf stronger; and so I sang this which
 +I had learned from my mammy:
 +
 + 1. O peasant race so much despised,
 + How greatly art thou to be priz'd?
 + Yea, none thy praises can excel,
 + If men would only mark thee well.
 + 2. How would it with the world now stand
 + Had Adam never till'd the land?
 + With spade and hoe he dug the earth
 + From whom our princes have their birth.
 + 3. Whatever earth doth bear this day
 + Is under thine high rule and sway,
 + And all that fruitful makes the land
 + Is guided by thy master hand.
 + 4. The emperor whom God doth give
 + Us to protect, thereby doth live:
 + So doth the soldier: though his trade
 + To thy great loss and harm be made.
 + 5. Meat for our feasts thou dost provide:
 + Our wine by thee too is supplied:
 + Thy plough can force the earth to give
 + That bread whereby all men must live.
 + 6. All waste the earth and desert were
 + Didst thou not ply thy calling there:
 + Sad day shall that for all be found
 + When peasants cease to till the ground.
 + 7. So hast thou right to laud and praise,
 + For thou dost feed us all our days.
 + Nature herself thee well doth love,
 + And God thy handiwork approve.
 + 8. Whoever yet on earth did hear
 + Of peasant that the gout did fear;
 + That fell disease which rich men dread,
 + Whereby is many a noble dead.
 + 9. From all vainglory art thou free
 + (As in these days thou well mayst be),
 + And lest thou shouldst through pride have loss,
 + God bids thee daily bear thy cross.
 + 10. Yea, even the soldier's wicked will
 + May work thee great advantage still:
 + For lest thou shouldst to pride incline,
 + "Thy goods and house," saith he, "are mine."
 +
 +So far and no further could I get with my song: for in a moment was I
 +surrounded, sheep and all, by a troop of cuirassiers that had lost
 +their way in the thick wood and were brought back to their right path
 +by my music and my calls to my flock. "Aha," quoth I to myself, "these
 +be the right rogues! these be the four-legged knaves and thieves
 +whereof thy dad did tell thee!" For at first I took horse and man (as
 +did the Americans the Spanish cavalry) to be but one beast, and could
 +not but conceive these were the wolves; and so would sound the retreat
 +for these horrible centaurs and send them a-flying: but scarce had I
 +blown up my bellows to that end when one of them catches me by the
 +shoulder and swings me up so roughly upon a spare farm horse they had
 +stolen with other booty that I must needs fall on the other side, and
 +that too upon my dear bagpipe, which began so miserably to scream as it
 +would move all the world to pity: which availed nought, though it
 +spared not its last breath in the bewailing of my sad fate. To horse
 +again I must go, it mattered not what my bagpipe did sing or say: yet
 +what vexed me most was that the troopers said I had hurt my dear
 +bagpipe, and therefore it had made so heathenish an outcry. So away my
 +horse went with me at a good trot, like the "primum mobile," for my
 +dad's farm.
 +
 +Now did strange and fantastic imaginings fill my brain; for I did
 +conceive, because I sat upon such a beast as I had never before seen,
 +that I too should be changed into an iron man. And because such a
 +change came not, there arose in me other foolish fantasies: for I
 +thought these strange creatures were but there to help me drive my
 +sheep home; for none strayed from the path, but all, with one accord,
 +made for my dad's farm. So I looked anxiously when my dad and my mammy
 +should come out to bid us welcome: which yet came not: for they and our
 +Ursula, which was my dad's only daughter, had found the back-door open
 +and would not wait for their guests.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS'S PALACE WAS STORMED, PLUNDERED, AND
 +RUINATED, AND IN WHAT SORRY FASHION THE SOLDIERS KEPT HOUSE THERE
 +
 +
 +Although it was not my intention to take the peace-loving reader with
 +these troopers to my dad's house and farm, seeing that matters will go
 +ill therein, yet the course of my history demands that I should leave
 +to kind posterity an account of what manner of cruelties were now and
 +again practised in this our German war: yea, and moreover testify by my
 +own example that such evils must often have been sent to us by the
 +goodness of Almighty God for our profit. For, gentle reader, who would
 +ever have taught me that there was a God in Heaven if these soldiers
 +had not destroyed my dad's house, and by such a deed driven me out
 +among folk who gave me all fitting instruction thereupon? Only a little
 +while before, I neither knew nor could fancy to myself that there were
 +any people on earth save only my dad, my mother and me, and the rest of
 +our household, nor did I know of any human habitation but that where I
 +daily went out and in. But soon thereafter I understood the way of
 +men's coming into this world, and how they must leave it again. I was
 +only in shape a man and in name a Christian: for the rest I was but a
 +beast. Yet the Almighty looked upon my innocence with a pitiful eye,
 +and would bring me to a knowledge both of Himself and of myself. And
 +although He had a thousand ways to lead me thereto, yet would He
 +doubtless use that one only by which my dad and my mother should be
 +punished: and that for an example to all others by reason of their
 +heathenish upbringing of me.
 +
 +The first thing these troopers did was, that they stabled their horses:
 +thereafter each fell to his appointed task: which task was neither more
 +nor less than ruin and destruction. For though some began to slaughter
 +and to boil and to roast so that it looked as if there should be a
 +merry banquet forward, yet others there were who did but storm through
 +the house above and below stairs. Others stowed together great parcels
 +of cloth and apparel and all manner of household stuff, as if they
 +would set up a frippery market. All that they had no mind to take with
 +them they cut in pieces. Some thrust their swords through the hay and
 +straw as if they had not enough sheep and swine to slaughter: and some
 +shook the feathers out of the beds and in their stead stuffed in bacon
 +and other dried meat and provisions as if such were better and softer
 +to sleep upon. Others broke the stove and the windows as if they had a
 +never-ending summer to promise. Houseware of copper and tin they beat
 +flat, and packed such vessels, all bent and spoiled, in with the rest.
 +Bedsteads, tables, chairs, and benches they burned, though there lay
 +many cords of dry wood in the yard. Pots and pipkins must all go to
 +pieces, either because they would eat none but roast flesh, or because
 +their purpose was to make there but a single meal.
 +
 +Our maid was so handled in the stable that she could not come out;
 +which is a shame to tell of. Our man they laid bound upon the ground,
 +thrust a gag into his mouth, and poured a pailful of filthy water into
 +his body: and by this, which they called a Swedish draught, they forced
 +him to lead a party of them to another place where they captured men
 +and beasts, and brought them back to our farm, in which company were my
 +dad, my mother, and our Ursula.
 +
 +And now they began: first to take the flints out of their pistols and
 +in place of them to jam the peasants' thumbs in and so to torture the
 +poor rogues as if they had been about the burning of witches: for one
 +of them they had taken they thrust into the baking oven and there lit a
 +fire under him, although he had as yet confessed no crime: as for
 +another, they put a cord round his head and so twisted it tight with a
 +piece of wood that the blood gushed from his mouth and nose and ears.
 +In a word, each had his own device to torture the peasants, and each
 +peasant his several torture. But as it seemed to me then, my dad was
 +the luckiest, for he with a laughing face confessed what others must
 +out with in the midst of pains and miserable lamentations: and such
 +honour without doubt fell to him because he was the householder. For
 +they set him before a fire and bound him fast so that he could neither
 +stir hand nor foot, and smeared the soles of his feet with wet salt,
 +and this they made our old goat lick off, and so tickle him that he
 +well nigh burst his sides with laughing. And this seemed to me so merry
 +a thing that I must needs laugh with him for the sake of fellowship, or
 +because I knew no better. In the midst of such laughter he must needs
 +confess all that they would have of him, and indeed revealed to them a
 +secret treasure, which proved far richer in pearls, gold, and trinkets
 +than any would have looked for among peasants. Of the women, girls, and
 +maidservants whom they took, I have not much to say in particular, for
 +the soldiers would not have me see how they dealt with them. Yet this I
 +know, that one heard some of them scream most piteously in divers
 +corners of the house; and well I can judge it fared no better with my
 +mother and our Ursel than with the rest. Yet in the midst of all this
 +miserable ruin I helped to turn the spit, and in the afternoon to give
 +the horses drink, in which employ I encountered our maid in the stable,
 +who seemed to me wondrously tumbled, so that I knew her not, but with a
 +weak voice she called to me, "O lad, run away, or the troopers will
 +have thee away with them. Look to it well that thou get hence: thou
 +seest in what plight ..." And more she could not say.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK FRENCH LEAVE, AND HOW HE WAS
 +TERRIFIED BY DEAD TREES
 +
 +
 +Now did I begin to consider and to ponder upon my unhappy condition and
 +prospects, and to think how I might best help myself out of my plight.
 +For whither should I go? Here indeed my poor wits were far too slender
 +to devise a plan. Yet they served me so far that towards evening I ran
 +into the woods. But then whither was I to go further? for the ways of
 +the wood were as little known to me as the passage beyond Nova Zembla
 +through the Arctic Ocean to China. 'Tis true the pitch-dark night was
 +my protection: yet to my dark wits it seemed not dark enough; so I did
 +hide myself in a close thicket wherein I could hear both the shrieks of
 +the tortured peasants and the song of the nightingales; which birds
 +regarded not the peasants either to show compassion for them or to stop
 +their sweet song for their sakes: and so I laid myself, as free from
 +care, upon one ear, and fell asleep. But when the morning star began to
 +glimmer in the East I could see my poor dad's house all aflame, yet
 +none that sought to stop the fire: so I betook myself thither in hopes
 +to have some news of my dad; whereupon I was espied by five troopers,
 +of whom one holloaed to me, "Come hither, boy, or I will shoot thee
 +dead."
 +
 +But I stood stock-still and open-mouthed, as knowing not what he meant
 +or would have; and I standing there and gaping upon them like a cat at
 +a new barn-door, and they, by reason of a morass between, not being
 +able to come at me, which vexed them mightily, one discharged his
 +carbine at me: at which sudden flame of fire and unexpected noise,
 +which the echo, repeating it many times, made more dreadful, I was so
 +terrified that forthwith I fell to the ground, and for terror durst not
 +move a finger, though the troopers went their way and doubtless left me
 +for dead; nor for that whole day had I spirit to rise up. But night
 +again overtaking me, I stood up and wandered away into the woods until
 +I saw afar off a dead tree that shone: and this again wrought in me a
 +new fear: wherefore I turned me about post-haste and ran till I saw
 +another such tree, from which I hurried away again, and in this manner
 +spent the night running from one dead tree to another. At last came
 +blessed daylight to my help, and bade those trees leave me untroubled
 +in its presence: yet was I not much the better thereby; for my heart
 +was full of fear and dread, my brain of foolish fancies, and my legs of
 +weariness, my belly of hunger, and mine eyes of sleep. So I went on and
 +on and knew not whither; yet the further I went the thicker grew the
 +wood and the greater the distance from all human kind. So now I came to
 +my senses, and perceived (yet without knowing it) the effect of
 +ignorance and want of knowledge: for if an unreasoning beast had been
 +in my place he would have known what to do for his sustenance better
 +than I. Yet I had wit enough when darkness again overtook me to creep
 +into a hollow tree and there take up my quarters for the night.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: IS SO SHORT AND SO PRAYERFUL THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS THEREUPON
 +SWOONS AWAY
 +
 +
 +But hardly had I composed myself to sleep when I heard a voice that
 +cried aloud, "O wondrous love towards us thankless mortals! O mine only
 +comfort, my hope, my riches, my God!" and more of the same sort, all of
 +which I could not hear or understand. Yet these were surely words which
 +should rightly have cheered, comforted, and delighted every Christian
 +soul that should find itself in such a plight as did I. But O
 +simplicity! O ignorance! 'Twas all gibberish[1] to me, and all in an
 +unknown tongue out of which I could make nothing: yea, was rather
 +terrified by its strangeness. Yet when I heard how the hunger and
 +thirst of him that spake should be satisfied, my unbearable hunger did
 +counsel me to join myself to him as a guest. So I plucked up heart to
 +come out of my hollow tree and to draw nigh to the voice I had heard,
 +where I was ware of a tall man with long greyish hair which fell in
 +confusion over his shoulders: a tangled beard he had shapen like to a
 +Swiss cheese; his face yellow and thin yet kindly enough, and his long
 +gown made up of more than a thousand pieces of cloth of all sorts sewn
 +together one upon another. Round his neck and body he had wound a heavy
 +iron chain like St. William,[2] and in other ways seemed in mine eyes
 +so grisly and terrible that I began to shake like a wet dog. But what
 +made my fear greater was that he did hug to his breast a crucifix some
 +six spans long. So I could fancy nought else but that this old grey man
 +must be the Wolf of whom my dad had of late told me: and in my fear I
 +whipped out my bagpipe, which, as mine only treasure, I had saved from
 +the troopers, and blowing up the sack, tuned up and made a mighty noise
 +to drive away that same grisly wolf: at which sudden and unaccustomed
 +music in that lonely place the hermit was at first no little dismayed,
 +deeming, without doubt, 'twas a devil come to terrify him and so
 +disturb his prayers, as happened to the great St. Anthony. But
 +presently recovering himself, he mocked at me as his tempter in the
 +hollow tree, whither I had retired myself: nay, plucked up such heart
 +that he advanced upon me to defy the enemy of mankind.
 +
 +"Aha!" says he, "thou art a proper fellow enough, to tempt saints
 +without God's leave": and more than that I heard not: for his approach
 +caused in me such fear and trembling that I lost my senses and fell
 +forthwith into a swoon.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS IN A POOR LODGING KINDLY ENTREATED
 +
 +
 +After what manner I was helped to myself again I know not; only this,
 +that the old man had my head on his breast and my jacket open in front,
 +when I came to my senses. But when I saw the hermit so close to me I
 +raised such a hideous outcry as if he would have torn the heart out of
 +my body. Then said he, "My son, hold thy peace: be content: I do thee
 +no harm." Yet the more he comforted me and soothed me the more I cried,
 +"Oh, thou eatest me! Oh! thou eatest me: thou art the wolf and wilt eat
 +me." "Nay, nay," said he, "my son, be at peace: I eat thee not."
 +
 +This contention lasted long, till at length I let myself so far be
 +persuaded as to go into his hut with him, wherein was poverty the
 +housekeeper, hunger the cook, and want clerk of the kitchen: there was
 +my belly cheered with herbs and a draught of water, and my mind, which
 +was altogether distraught, again brought to right reason by the old
 +man's comfortable kindness. Thereafter then I easily allowed myself to
 +be enticed by the charm of sweet slumber to pay my debt to nature. Now
 +when the hermit perceived my need of sleep he left me to occupy my
 +place in his hut alone: for one only could lie therein. So about
 +midnight I awoke again and heard him sing the song which followeth
 +here, which I afterwards did learn by heart.
 +
 + "Come, joy of night, O nightingale:
 + Take up, take up thy cheerful tale;
 + Sing sweet and loud and long.
 + Come praise thine own Creator blest,
 + When other birds are gone to rest,
 + And now have hushed their song.
 +
 + (Chorus) "With thy voice loud rejoice;
 + For so thou best canst shew thy love
 + To God who reigns in heaven above.
 +
 + "For though the light of day be flown,
 + And we in darkness dwell alone,
 + Yet can we chant and sing
 + Of God his power and God his might:
 + Nor darkness hinders us nor night
 + Our praises so to bring.
 + Echo the wanderer makes reply
 + And when thou singst will still be by
 + And still repeat thy strain.
 + All weariness she drives afar
 + And sloth to which we prisoners are,
 + And mocks at slumber's chain.
 + The stars that stand in heaven above,
 + Do shew to God their praise and love
 + And honour to Him bring;
 + And owls by nature reft of song
 + Yet shew with cries the whole night long
 + Their love to God the king.
 + Come hither then, sweet bird of night,
 + For we will share no sluggard's plight
 + Nor sleep away the hours;
 + But, till the rosy break of day
 + Chase from these woods the night away,
 + God's praise shall still be ours."
 +
 +Now while this song did last it seemed to me as if nightingale, owl,
 +and echo had of a truth joined therein, and had I ever heard the
 +morning star or had been able to play its melody on my bagpipe, I had
 +surely run out of the hut to take my trick also, so sweet did this
 +harmony seem to me: yet I fell asleep again and woke not till day was
 +far advanced, when the hermit stood before me and said, "Up, child, I
 +will give thee to eat and thereafter shew thee the way through the
 +wood, so that thou comest to where people dwell, and also before night
 +to the nearest village."
 +
 +So I asked him, what be these things, "people" and "village"?
 +
 +"What," says he, "hast never been in any village and knowest not what
 +people or folks be?"
 +
 +"Nay," said I, "nowhere save here have I been: yet tell me what be
 +these things, folk and people and village."
 +
 +"God save us," answered the hermit, "art thou demented or very
 +cunning?"
 +
 +"Nay," said I, "I am my mammy's and dad's boy, and neither Master
 +Demented nor Master Cunning."
 +
 +Then the hermit shewed his amazement with sighs and crossing of
 +himself, and says he, "'Tis well, dear child, I am determined if God
 +will better to instruct thee."
 +
 +So then our questions and answers fell out as the ensuing chapter
 +sheweth.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BY HIS NOBLE DISCOURSE PROCLAIMED HIS
 +EXCELLENT QUALITIES
 +
 +Hermit. What is thy name?
 +
 +Simplicissimus. My name is "Lad."
 +
 +H. I can see well enough that thou art no girl: but how did thy father
 +and mother call thee?
 +
 +S. I never had either father or mother.
 +
 +H. Who gave thee then thy shirt?
 +
 +S. Oho! Why, my mammy.
 +
 +H. What did thy mother call thee?
 +
 +S. She called me "Lad," ay, and "rogue, silly gaby, and gallowsbird."
 +
 +H. Who, then, was thy mammy's husband?
 +
 +S. No one.
 +
 +H. With whom, then, did thy mammy sleep at night?
 +
 +S. With my dad.
 +
 +H. What did thy dad call thee?
 +
 +S. He called me "Lad."
 +
 +H. What was his name?
 +
 +S. His name was Dad.
 +
 +H. What did thy mammy call him?
 +
 +S. Dad, and sometimes also "Master."
 +
 +H. Did she never call him aught besides?
 +
 +S. Yea, that did she.
 +
 +H. And what then?
 +
 +S. "Beast," "coarse brute," "drunken pig," and other the like, when she
 +would scold him.
 +
 +H. Thou beest but an ignorant creature, that knowest not thy parents'
 +name nor thine own.
 +
 +S. Oho! neither dost thou know it.
 +
 +H. Canst thou say thy prayers?
 +
 +S. Nay, my mammy and our Ursel did uprear the beds.
 +
 +H. I ask thee not that, but whether thou knowest thy Paternoster?
 +
 +S. That do I.
 +
 +H. Say it then.
 +
 +S. Our father which art heaven, hallowed be name, to thy kingdom come,
 +thy will come down on earth as it says heaven, give us debts as we give
 +our debtors: lead us not into no temptation, but deliver us from the
 +kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
 +
 +H. God help us! Knowest thou naught of our Blessed Lord God?
 +
 +S. Yea, yea: 'tis he that stood by our chamber-door; my mammy brought
 +him home from the church feast and stuck him up there.
 +
 +H. O Gracious God, now for the first time do I perceive what a great
 +favour and benefit it is when Thou impartest knowledge of Thyself, and
 +how naught a man is to whom Thou givest it not! O Lord, vouchsafe to me
 +so to honour Thy holy name that I be worthy to be as zealous in my
 +thanks for this great grace as Thou hast been liberal in the granting
 +of it. Hark now, Simplicissimus (for I can call thee by no other name),
 +when thou sayest thy Paternoster, thou must say this: "Our Father which
 +art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name: Thy kingdom come: Thy will be done
 +in earth as it is in heaven: give us this day our daily bread ..."
 +
 +S. Oho there! ask for cheese too!
 +
 +H. Ah, dear child, keep silence and learn that thou needest more than
 +cheese: thou art indeed loutish, as thy mammy told thee: 'tis not the
 +part of lads like thee to interrupt an old man, but to be silent, to
 +listen, and to learn. Did I but know where thy parents dwelt, I would
 +fain bring thee to them, and then teach them how to bring up children.
 +
 +S. I know not whither to go. Our house is burnt, and my mammy ran off
 +and was fetched back with our Ursula, and my dad too, and our maid was
 +sick and lying in the stable.
 +
 +H. And who did burn the house?
 +
 +S. Aha! there came iron men that sat on things as big as oxen, yet
 +having no horns: which same men did slaughter sheep and cows and swine,
 +and so I ran too, and then was the house burnt.
 +
 +H. Where was thy dad then?
 +
 +S. Aha! the iron men tied him up and our old goat was set to lick his
 +feet. So he must needs laugh, and give the iron men many silver
 +pennies, big and little, and fair yellow things and some that
 +glittered, and fine strings full of little white balls.
 +
 +H. And when did this come to pass?
 +
 +S. Why, even when I should have been keeping of sheep: yea, and they
 +would even take from me my bagpipe.
 +
 +H. But when was it that thou shouldst have been keeping sheep?
 +
 +S. What, canst thou not hear? Even then when the iron men came: and
 +then our Anna bade me run away, or the soldiers would carry me off: and
 +by that she meant the iron men: so I ran off and so I came hither.
 +
 +H. And whither wilt thou now?
 +
 +S. Truly I know not: I will stay here with thee.
 +
 +H. Nay, to keep thee here is not to the purpose, either for me or thee.
 +Eat now; and presently I will bring thee where people are.
 +
 +S. Oho! tell me now what manner of things be "people."
 +
 +H. People be mankind like me and thee: thy dad, thy mammy, and your Ann
 +be mankind, and when there be many together then are they called
 +people: and now go thou and eat.
 +
 +So was our discourse, in which the hermit often gazed on me with
 +deepest sighs: I know not whether 'twas so because he had great
 +compassion on my simplicity and ignorance, or from that cause, which I
 +learned not until some years later.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHANGED FROM A WILD BEAST INTO A
 +CHRISTIAN
 +
 +
 +So I began to eat and ceased to prattle; all which lasted no longer
 +than till I had appeased mine hunger: for then the good hermit bade me
 +begone. Then must I seek out the most flattering words which my rough
 +country upbringing afforded me, and all to this end, to move the hermit
 +that he should keep me with him. Now though of a certainty it must have
 +vexed him greatly to endure my troublesome presence, yet did he resolve
 +to suffer me to be with him; and that more to instruct me in the
 +Christian religion, than because he would have my service in his
 +approaching old age: yet was this his greatest anxiety, lest my tender
 +youth should not endure for long such a hard way of living as was his.
 +
 +A space of some three weeks was my year of probation: in which three
 +weeks St. Gertrude[3] was at war with the gardeners: so was it my lot
 +to be inducted into the profession of these last: and therein I carried
 +myself so well that the good hermit took an especial pleasure in me,
 +and that not so much for my work's sake (whereunto I was before well
 +trained) but because he saw that I myself was as ready greedily to
 +hearken to his instructions as the waxen, soft, and yet smooth tablet
 +of my mind shewed itself ready to receive such. For such reasons he was
 +the more zealous to bring me to the knowledge of all good things. So he
 +began his instruction from the fall of Lucifer: thence came he to the
 +Garden of Eden, and when we were thrust out thence with our first
 +parents, he passed through the law of Moses and taught me, by the means
 +of the ten commandments and their explications--of which commandments
 +he would say that they were a true measure to know the will of God, and
 +thereby to lead a life holy and well pleasing to God--to discern virtue
 +from vice, to do the good and to avoid the evil. At the end of all he
 +came to the Gospel and told me of Christ's Birth, Sufferings, Death,
 +and Resurrection: and then concluded all with the Judgment Day, and so
 +set Heaven and hell before my eyes: and this all with befitting
 +circumstance, yet not with superfluity of words, but as it seemed to
 +him I could best comprehend and understand. So when he had ended one
 +matter he began another, and therewithal contrived with all patience so
 +to shape himself to answer my questions, and so to deal with me, that
 +better he could not have shed the light of truth into my heart. Yet
 +were his life and his speech for me an everlasting preaching: and this
 +my mind, all wooden and dull as it was, yet by God's grace left not
 +fruitless. So that in three weeks did I not only understand all that a
 +Christian should know, but was possessed with such love for this
 +teaching that I could not sleep at night for thinking thereon.
 +
 +I have since pondered much upon this matter and have found that
 +Aristotle, in his second book "Of the Soul," did put it well, whereas
 +he compared the soul of a man to a blank unwritten tablet, whereon one
 +could write what he would, and concluded that all such was decreed by
 +the Creator of the world, in order that such blank tablets might by
 +industrious impression and exercise be marked, and so be brought to
 +completeness and perfection. And so saith also his commentator Averroes
 +(upon that passage where the Philosopher saith that the Intellect is
 +but a possibility which can be brought into activity by naught else
 +than by Scientia or Knowledge: which is to say that man's understanding
 +is capable of all things, yet can be brought to such knowledge only by
 +constant exercise), and giveth this plain decision: namely, that this
 +knowledge or exercise is the perfecting of souls which have no power at
 +all in them selves. And this doth Cicero confirm in his second book of
 +the "Tusculan Disputations," when he compares the soul of a man without
 +instruction, knowledge, and exercise, to a field which, albeit fruitful
 +by nature, yet if no man till it or sow it will bring forth no fruit.
 +
 +And all this did I prove by my own single example: for that I so soon
 +understood all that the pious hermit shewed to me arose from this
 +cause: that he found the smooth tablet of my soul quite empty and
 +without any imaginings before entered thereupon, which might well have
 +hindered the impress of others thereafter. Yet in spite of all, that
 +pure simplicity (in comparison with other men's ways) hath ever clung
 +to me: and therefore did the hermit (for neither he nor I knew my right
 +name) ever call me Simplicissimus. Withal I learned to pray, and when
 +the good hermit had resolved himself to satisfy my earnest desire to
 +abide with him, we built for me a hut like to his own, of wood, twigs
 +and earth, shaped well nigh as the musqueteer shapes his tent in camp
 +or, to speak more exactly, as the peasant in some places shapes his
 +turnip-hod, so low, in truth, that I could hardly sit upright therein;
 +my bed was of dried leaves and grass, and just so large as the hut
 +itself, so that I know not whether to call such a dwelling-place or
 +hole, a covered bedstead or a hut.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. x._: IN WHAT MANNER HE LEARNED TO READ AND WRITE IN THE WILD
 +WOODS
 +
 +
 +Now when first I saw the hermit read the Bible, I could not conceive
 +with whom he should speak so secretly and, as I thought, so earnestly;
 +for well I saw the moving of his lips, yet no man that spake with him:
 +and though I knew naught of reading or writing, nevertheless I marked
 +by his eyes that he had to do with somewhat in the said book. So I
 +marked where he kept it, and when he had laid it aside I crept thither
 +and opened it, and at the first assay lit upon the first chapter of Job
 +and the picture that stood at the head thereof, which was a fine
 +woodcut and fairly painted: so I began to ask strange questions of the
 +figures, and when they gave me no answer waxed impatient, and even as
 +the hermit came up behind me, "Ye little clowns," said I, "have ye no
 +mouths any longer? Could ye not even now prate away long enough with my
 +father (for so must I call my hermit)? I see well enough that ye are
 +driving away the gaffer's sheep and burning of his house: wait awhile
 +and I will quench your fire for ye," and with that rose up to fetch
 +water, for there seemed to me present need of it. Then said the hermit,
 +who I knew not was behind me: "Whither away, Simplicissimus?" "O
 +father," says I, "here be more soldiers that will drive off sheep: they
 +do take them from that poor man with whom thou didst talk: and here is
 +his house a-burning, and if I quench it not 'twill be consumed": and
 +with that I pointed with my finger to what I saw. "But stay," quoth the
 +hermit, "for these figures be not alive;" to which I, with rustic
 +courtesy, answered him: "What, beest thou blind? Do thou keep watch
 +lest that they drive the sheep away while I do seek for water." "Nay,"
 +quoth he again, "but they be not alive; they be made only to call up
 +before our eyes things that happened long ago." "How;" said I, "thou
 +didst even now talk with them: how then can they be not alive?" At that
 +the hermit must, against his will and contrary to his habit, laugh: and
 +"Dear child," says he, "these figures cannot talk: but what they do and
 +what they are, that can I see from these black lines, and that do men
 +call reading. And when I thus do read, thou conceivest that I speak
 +with the figures: but 'tis not so."
 +
 +Yet I answered him: "If I be a man as thou art, so must I likewise be
 +able to see in these black lines what thou canst see: how then may I
 +understand thy words? Dear father, teach me in truth how to understand
 +this matter."
 +
 +So said he: "'Tis well, my son, and I will teach thee so that thou
 +mayest speak with these figures as well as I: only 'twill need time, in
 +which I must have patience and thou industry."
 +
 +With that he wrote me down an alphabet on birchbark, formed like print,
 +and when I knew the letters, I learned to spell, and thereafter to
 +read, and at last to write better than could the hermit himself; for I
 +imitated print in everything.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSETH OF FOODS, HOUSEHOLD STUFF, AND OTHER NECESSARY
 +CONCERNS, WHICH FOLK MUST HAVE IN THIS EARTHLY LIFE
 +
 +
 +In that wood did I abide for about two years, until the hermit died,
 +and after his death somewhat longer than a half-year. And therefore it
 +seemeth me good to tell to the curious reader, who often desireth to
 +know even the smallest matters, of our doings, our ways and works, and
 +how we spent our life.
 +
 +Now our food was vegetables of all kinds, turnips, cabbage, beans,
 +pease, and the like: nor did we despise beech-nuts, wild apples, pears,
 +and cherries: yea, and our hunger often made even acorns savoury to us;
 +our bread or, to say more truly, our cakes, we baked on hot ashes, and
 +they were made of Italian rye beaten fine. In winter we would catch
 +birds with springes and snares; but in spring and summer God bestowed
 +upon us young fledglings from their nest. Often must we make out with
 +snails and frogs: and so was fishing, both with net and line,
 +convenient to us: for close to our dwelling there flowed a brook, full
 +of fish and crayfish, all which did help to make our rough vegetable
 +diet palatable. Once on a time did we catch a young wild pig, and this
 +we penned in a stall, and did feed him with acorns and beech-nuts, so
 +fatted him and at last did eat him; for my hermit knew it could be no
 +sin to eat that which God hath created to such end for the whole human
 +race.
 +
 +Of salt we needed but little and spices not at all: for we might not
 +arouse our desire to drink, seeing that we had no cellar: what little
 +salt we wanted a good pastor furnished us who dwelt some fifteen miles
 +away from us, and of whom I shall yet have much to tell.
 +
 +Now as concerns our household stuff, we had enough: for we had a
 +shovel, a pick, an axe, a hatchet, and an iron pot for cooking, which
 +was indeed not our own, but lent to us by the said pastor: each of us
 +had an old blunt knife, which same were our own possessions, and no
 +more: more than that needed we naught, neither dishes, plates,
 +spoons, nor forks: neither kettles, frying-pans, gridirons, spits,
 +salt-cellars, no, nor any other table and kitchen ware: for our iron
 +pot was our dish, our hands our forks and spoons: and if we would
 +drink, we could do so through a pipe from the spring or else we dipped
 +our mouths like Gideon's soldiers. Then for garments: of wool, of silk,
 +of cotton, and of linen, as for beds, table-covers, and tapestries, we
 +had none save what we wore upon our bodies: for we deemed it enough if
 +we could shield ourselves from rain and frost. At other times we kept
 +no rule or order in our household, save on Sundays and holy-days, at
 +which time we would start on our way at midnight, so that we might come
 +early enough to escape men's notice, to the said pastor's church, which
 +was a little away from the village, and there might attend service.
 +When we came thither we betook ourselves to the broken organ, from
 +which place we could see both altar and pulpit: and when I first saw
 +the pastor go up to the pulpit I asked my hermit what he would do in
 +that great tub! So, service finished, we went home as secretly as we
 +had come, and when we found ourselves once more at home, with weary
 +body and weary feet, then did we eat foul food with fair appetite: then
 +would the hermit spend the rest of the day in praying and in the
 +instructing of me in holy things.
 +
 +On working days we would do that which seemed most necessary to do,
 +according as it happened, and as such was required by the time of year
 +and by our needs: now would we work in the garden: another time we
 +gathered together the rich mould in shady places and out of hollow
 +trees to improve our garden therewith in place of dung; again we would
 +weave baskets or fishing-nets or chop firewood, or go a-fishing, or do
 +aught to banish idleness. Yet among all these occupations did the good
 +hermit never cease to instruct me faithfully in all good things: and
 +meanwhile did I learn, in such a hard life, to endure hunger, thirst,
 +heat, cold, and great labour, and before all things to know God and how
 +one should serve Him best, which was the chiefest thing of all. And
 +indeed my faithful hermit would have me know no more, for he held it
 +was enough for any Christian to attain his end and aim, if he did but
 +constantly pray and work: so it came about that, though I was pretty
 +well instructed in ghostly matters, and knew my Christian belief well
 +enough, and could speak the German language as well as a talking
 +spelling-book, yet I remained the most simple lad in the world: so that
 +when I left the wood I was such a poor, sorry creature that no dog
 +would have left his bone to run after me.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: TELLS OF A NOTABLE FINE WAY, TO DIE HAPPY AND TO HAVE
 +ONESELF BURIED AT SMALL COST
 +
 +
 +So had I spent two years or thereabouts, and had scarce grown
 +accustomed to the hard life of a hermit, when one day my best friend on
 +earth took his pick, gave me the shovel, and led me by the hand,
 +according to his daily custom, to our garden, where we were wont to say
 +our prayers.
 +
 +"Now Simplicissimus, dear child," said he, "inasmuch as, God be
 +praised, the time is at hand when I must part from this earth and must
 +pay the debt of nature, and leave thee behind me in this world, and
 +whereas I do partly foresee the future course of thy life and do know
 +well that thou wilt not long abide in this wilderness, therefore did I
 +desire to strengthen thee in the way of virtue which thou hast entered
 +on, and to give thee some lessons for thy instruction by means of which
 +thou shouldest so rule thy life that, as though by an unfailing clue,
 +thou mightest find thy way to eternal happiness, and so with all elect
 +saints mightest be found worthy for ever to behold the face of God in
 +that other life."
 +
 +These words did drown mine eyes in tears, even as once the enemy's
 +device did drown the town of Villingen; in a word, they were so
 +terrible that I could not endure them, but said: "Beloved father, wilt
 +thou then leave me alone in this wild wood? Must I then ...?" And more
 +I could not say, for my heart's sorrow was, by reason of the
 +overflowing love which I bore to my true father, so grievous that I
 +sank at his feet as if I were dead. Yet did he raise me up and comfort
 +me so far as time and opportunity did allow, and would shew me mine own
 +error, in that he asked, would I rebel against the decree of the
 +Almighty? "and knowest thou not," says he, "that neither heaven nor
 +hell can do that? Nay, nay, my son! Why dost thou propose further to
 +burden my weak body, which of itself is but desirous of rest? Thinkest
 +thou to force me to sojourn longer in this vale of tears? Ah no, my
 +son, let me go, for in any case neither with lamentation and tears, nor
 +still less with my good will, canst thou compel me to dwell longer in
 +this misery when I am by God's express will called away therefrom:
 +instead of all this useless clamour, follow thou my last words, which
 +are these: the longer thou livest seek to know thyself the better, and
 +if thou live as long as Methuselah, yet let not such practice depart
 +from thy heart: for that most men do come to perdition this is the
 +cause--namely, that they know not what they have been and what they can
 +or must be." And further he exhorted me, I should at all times beware
 +of bad company: for the harm of that was unspeakable. Of that he gave
 +me an example, saying: "If thou puttest a drop of malmsey into a vessel
 +full of vinegar, forthwith it turns to vinegar: but if thou pour a drop
 +of vinegar into malmsey, that drop will disappear into the wine.
 +Beloved son, before all things be steadfast: for whoso endureth to the
 +end he shall be saved; but if it happen, contrary to my hopes, that
 +thou from human weakness dost fall, then by a fitting penitence raise
 +thyself up again."
 +
 +Now this careful and pious man gave me but this brief counsel, not
 +because he knew no more, but because in sober truth I seemed to him, by
 +reason of my youth, not able to comprehend more in such a case, and
 +again, because few words be better to hold in remembrance than long
 +discourse, and if they have pith and point do work greater good when
 +they be pondered on than any long sermon, which a man may well
 +understand as spoken and yet is wont presently to forget. And these
 +three points: to know oneself: to avoid bad company: and to stand
 +steadfast; this holy man, without doubt, deemed good and necessary
 +because he had made trial of them in his own case and had not found
 +them to fail: for, coming to know himself, he eschewed not only bad
 +company but that of the whole world, and in that plan did persevere to
 +the end, on which doubtless all salvation doth depend.
 +
 +So when he had thus spoken, he began with his mattock to dig his own
 +grave: and I helped as best I could in whatever way he bade me; yet did
 +I not conceive to what end all this was. Then said he: "My dear and
 +only true son (for besides thee I never begat creature for the honour
 +of our Creator), when my soul is gone to its own place, then do thy
 +duty to my body, and pay me the last honours: cover me up with these
 +same clods which we have even now dug from this pit," And thereupon he
 +took me in his arms and, kissing me, pressed me harder to his breast
 +than would seem possible for a man so weak as he appeared to be. And,
 +"Dear child," says he, "I commend thee to God his protection, and die
 +the more cheerfully because I hope He will receive thee therein." Yet
 +could I do naught but lament and cry, yea, did hang upon the chains
 +which he wore on his neck, and thought thereby to prevent him from
 +leaving me. But "My son," says he, "let me go, that I may see if the
 +grave be long enough for me." And therewith he laid aside the chains
 +together with his outer garment, and so entered the pit even as one
 +that will lie down to sleep, saying, "Almighty God, receive again the
 +soul that Thou hast given: Lord, into Thy hands I commend my spirit."
 +Thereupon did he calmly close his lips and his eyes: while I stood
 +there like a stockfish, and dreamt not that his dear soul could so have
 +left the body: for often I had seen him in such trances: and so now, as
 +was my wont in such a case, I waited there for hours praying by the
 +grave. But when my beloved hermit arose not again, I went down into the
 +grave to him and began to shake, to kiss, and to caress him: but there
 +was no life in him, for grim and pitiless death had robbed the poor
 +Simplicissimus of his holy companionship. Then did I bedew or, to say
 +better, did embalm with my tears his lifeless body, and when I had for
 +a long time run up and down with miserable cries, began to heap earth
 +upon him, with more sighs than shovelfuls: and hardly had I covered his
 +face when I must go down again and uncover it afresh that I might see
 +it and kiss it once more. And so I went on all day till I had finished,
 +and in this way ended all the funeral; an "exequiae" and "ludi
 +gladiatorii" wherein neither bier, coffin, pall, lights, bearers, nor
 +mourners were at hand, nor any clergy to sing over the dead.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS DRIVEN ABOUT LIKE A STRAW IN A
 +WHIRLPOOL
 +
 +
 +Now a few days after the hermit's decease I betook myself to the pastor
 +above mentioned and declared to him my master's death, and therewith
 +besought counsel from him how I should act in such a case. And though
 +he much dissuaded me from living longer in the forest, yet did I boldly
 +tread on in my predecessor's footsteps, inasmuch as for the whole
 +summer I did all that a holy monk should do. But as time changeth all
 +things, so by degrees the grief which I felt for my hermit grew less
 +and less, and the sharp cold of winter without quenched the heat of my
 +steadfast purpose within. And the more I began to falter the lazier did
 +I become in my prayers, for in place of dwelling ever upon godly and
 +heavenly thoughts, I let myself be overcome by the desire to see the
 +world: and inasmuch as for this purpose I could do no good in my
 +forest, I determined to go again to the said pastor and ask if he again
 +would counsel me to leave the wood. To that end I betook myself to his
 +village, which when I came thither I found in flames: for a party of
 +troopers had but now plundered and burned it, and of the peasants
 +killed some, driven some away, and some had made prisoners, among whom
 +was the pastor himself. Ah God, how full is man's life of care and
 +disappointment! Scarce hath one misfortune ended and lo! we are in
 +another. I wonder not that the heathen philosopher Timon set up many
 +gallows at Athens, whereon men might string themselves up, and so with
 +brief pain make an end to their wretched life. These troopers were even
 +now ready to march, and had the pastor fastened by a rope to lead him
 +away. Some cried, "Shoot him down, the rogue!" Others would have money
 +from him. But he, lifting up his hands to heaven, begged, for the sake
 +of the Last Judgment, for forbearance and Christian compassion, but in
 +vain; for one of them rode him down and dealt him such a blow on the
 +head that he fell flat, and commended his soul to God. Nor did the
 +remainder of the captured peasants fare any better. But even when it
 +seemed these troopers, in their cruel tyranny, had clean lost their
 +wits, came such a swarm of armed peasants out of the wood, that it
 +seemed a wasps'-nest had been stirred. And these began to yell so
 +frightfully and so furiously to attack with sword and musket that all
 +my hair stood on end; and never had I been at such a merrymaking
 +before: for the peasants of the Spessart and the Vogelsberg are as
 +little wont as are the Hessians and men of the Sauerland and the Black
 +Forest to let themselves be crowed over on their own dunghill. So away
 +went the troopers, and not only left behind the cattle they had
 +captured, but threw away bag and baggage also, and so cast all their
 +booty to the winds lest themselves should become booty for the
 +peasants: yet some of them fell into their hands. This sport took from
 +me well-nigh all desire to see the world, for I thought, if 'tis all
 +like this, then is the wilderness far more pleasant. Yet would I fain
 +hear what the pastor had to say of it, who was, by reason of wounds and
 +blows received, faint, weak, and feeble. Yet he made shift to tell me
 +he knew not how to help or advise me, since he himself was now in a
 +plight in which he might well have to seek his bread by begging, and if
 +I should remain longer in the woods, I could hope no more for help from
 +him; since, as I saw with my own eyes, both his church and his
 +parsonage were in flames. Thereupon I betook myself sorrowfully to my
 +dwelling in the wood, and because on this journey I had been but little
 +comforted, yet on the other hand had become more full of pious
 +thoughts, therefore I resolved never more to leave the wilderness: and
 +already I pondered whether it were not possible for me to live without
 +salt (which the pastor had until now furnished me with) and so do
 +without mankind altogether.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: A QUAINT COMEDIA OF FIVE PEASANTS
 +
 +
 +So now that I might follow up my design and become a true anchorite, I
 +put on my hermit's hair-shirt which he had left me and girded me with
 +his chain over it: not indeed as if I needed it to mortify my unruly
 +flesh, but that I might be like to my fore-runner both in life and in
 +habit, and moreover might by such clothes be the better able to protect
 +myself against the rough cold of winter. But the second day after the
 +above-mentioned village had been plundered and burnt, as I was sitting
 +in my hut and praying, at the same time roasting carrots for my food
 +over the fire, there surrounded me forty or fifty musqueteers: and
 +these, though amazed at the strangeness of my person, yet ransacked my
 +hut, seeking what was not there to find: for nothing had I but books,
 +and these they threw this way and that as useless to them. But at last,
 +when they regarded me more closely and saw by my feathers what a poor
 +bird they had caught, they could easily reckon there was poor booty to
 +be found where I was. And much they wondered at my hard way of life,
 +and shewed great pity for my tender youth, specially their officer that
 +commanded them: for he shewed me respect, and earnestly besought me
 +that I would shew him and his men the way out of the wood wherein they
 +had long been wandering. Nor did I refuse, but led them the nearest way
 +to the village, even where the before-mentioned pastor had been so ill
 +handled; for I knew no other road.
 +
 +Now before we were out of the wood, we espied some ten peasants, of
 +whom part were armed with musquets, while the rest were busied with
 +burying something. So our musqueteers ran upon them, crying, "Stay!
 +stay!" But they answered with a discharge of shot, and when they saw
 +they were outnumbered by the soldiers, away they went so quick that
 +none of the musqueteers, being weary, could overtake them. So then they
 +would dig up again what the peasants had been burying: and that was the
 +easier because they had left the mattocks and spades which they used
 +lying there. But they had made few strokes with the pick when they
 +heard a voice from below crying out, "O ye wanton rogues, O ye worst of
 +villains, think ye that Heaven will leave your heathenish cruelty and
 +tricks unpunished? Nay, for there live yet honest fellows by whom your
 +barbarity shall be paid in such wise that none of your fellow men shall
 +think you worth even a kick of his foot." So the soldiers looked on one
 +another in amazement, and knew not what to do. For some thought they
 +had to deal with a ghost: to me it seemed I was dreaming: but the
 +officer bade them dig on stoutly. And presently they came to a cask,
 +which they burst open, and therein found a fellow that had neither nose
 +nor ears, and yet still lived. He, when he was somewhat revived, and
 +had recognised some of the troop, told them how on the day before, as
 +some of his regiment were a-foraging, the peasants had caught six of
 +them. And of these they first of all, about an hour before, had shot
 +five dead at once, making them stand one behind another; and because
 +the bullet, having already passed through five bodies, did not reach
 +him, who stood sixth and last, they had cut off his nose and ears, yet
 +before that had forced him to render to five of them the filthiest
 +service in the world.[4] But when he saw himself thus degraded by these
 +rogues without shame or knowledge of God, he had heaped upon them the
 +vilest reproaches, though they were willing now to let him go. Yet in
 +the hope one of them would from annoyance send a ball through his head,
 +he called them all by their right names: yet in vain. Only this, that
 +when he had thus chafed them they had clapped him in the cask here
 +present and buried him alive, saying, since he so desired death they
 +would not cheat him of his amusement.
 +
 +Now while the fellow thus lamented the torments he had endured, came
 +another party of foot-soldiers by a cross road through the wood, who
 +had met the abovementioned boors, caught five and shot the rest dead:
 +and among the prisoners were four to whom that maltreated trooper had
 +been forced to do that filthy service a little before. So now, when
 +both parties had found by their manner of hailing one another that they
 +were of the same army, they joined forces, and again must hear from the
 +trooper himself how it had fared with him and his comrades. And there
 +might any man tremble and quake to see how these same peasants were
 +handled: for some in their first fury would say, "Shoot them down," but
 +others said, "Nay: these wanton villains must we first properly
 +torment: yea, and make them to understand in their own bodies what they
 +have deserved as regards the person of this same trooper." And all the
 +time while this discussion proceeded these peasants received such
 +mighty blows in the ribs from the butts of their musquets that I
 +wondered they did not spit blood. But presently stood forth a soldier,
 +and said he: "You gentlemen, seeing that it is a shame to the whole
 +profession of arms that this rogue (and therewith he pointed to that
 +same unhappy trooper) have so shamefully submitted himself to the will
 +of five boors, it is surely our duty to wash out this spot of shame,
 +and compel these rogues to do the same shameful service for this
 +trooper which they forced him to do for them." But another said: "This
 +fellow is not worth having such honour done to him; for were he not a
 +poltroon surely he would not have done such shameful service, to the
 +shame of all honest soldiers, but would a thousand times sooner have
 +died." In a word, 'twas decided with one voice that each of the
 +captured peasants should do the same filthy service for ten soldiers
 +which their comrade had been forced to do, and each time should say,
 +"So do I cleanse and wash away the shame which these soldiers think
 +they have endured."
 +
 +Thereafter they would decide how they should deal with the peasants
 +when they had fulfilled this cleanly task, So presently they went to
 +work; but the peasants were so obstinate that neither by promise of
 +their lives nor by any torture could they be compelled thereto. Then
 +one took the fifth peasant, who had not maltreated the trooper, a
 +little aside, and says he: "If thou wilt deny God and all His saints, I
 +will let thee go whither thou wilt." Thereupon the peasant made reply,
 +"he had in all his life taken little count of saints, and had had but
 +little traffic with God," and added thereto with a solemn oath, "he
 +knew not God and had no art nor part in His kingdom." So then the
 +soldier sent a ball at his head: which worked as little harm as if it
 +had been shot at a mountain of steel. Then he drew out his hanger and
 +"Beest thou still here?" says he. "I promised to let thee go whither
 +thou wouldst: see now, I send thee to the kingdom of hell, since thou
 +wilt not to heaven": and so he split his head down to the teeth. And as
 +he fell, "So," said the soldier, "must a man avenge himself and punish
 +these loose rogues both in this world and the next."
 +
 +Meanwhile the other soldiers had the remaining four peasants to deal
 +with. These they bound, hands and feet together, over a fallen tree in
 +such wise that their back-sides (saving your presence) were uppermost.
 +Then they stript off their breeches, and took some yards of their
 +match-string and made knots in it, and fiddled them therewith so
 +mercilessly that the blood ran. So they cried out lamentably, but 'twas
 +but sport for the soldiers, who ceased not to saw away till skin and
 +flesh were clean sawn off the bones. Me they let go to my hut, for the
 +last-arrived party knew the way well. And so I know not how they
 +finished with the peasants.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PLUNDERED, AND HOW HE DREAMED OF
 +THE PEASANTS AND HOW THEY FARED IN TIMES OF WAR
 +
 +
 +Now when I came home I found that my fireplace and all my poor
 +furniture, together with my store of provisions, which I had grown
 +during the summer in my garden and had kept for the coming winter, were
 +all gone. "And whither now?" thought I. And then first did need teach
 +me heartily to pray: and I must summon all my small wits together, to
 +devise what I should do. But as my knowledge of the world was both
 +small and evil, I could come to no proper conclusion, only that 'twas
 +best to commend myself to God and to put my whole confidence in Him:
 +for otherwise I must perish. And besides all this those things which I
 +had heard and seen that day lay heavy on my mind: and I pondered not so
 +much upon my food and my sustenance as upon the enmity which there is
 +ever between soldiers and peasants. Yet could my foolish mind come to
 +no other conclusion than this--that there must of a surety be two races
 +of men in the world, and not one only, descended from Adam, but two,
 +wild and tame, like other unreasoning beasts, and therefore pursuing
 +one another so cruelly.
 +
 +With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a
 +hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the
 +trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on
 +another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks
 +were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these,
 +some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberts, flags, and
 +some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly
 +distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were
 +made up of folk of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly,
 +however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its
 +strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more,
 +they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to
 +their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that
 +sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the
 +tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed
 +out of their pockets, yea, though it was behind seven locks and keys:
 +but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle
 +them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs
 +came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails,
 +and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men
 +call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, took all with a
 +shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort,
 +mockery for every turn.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: OF THE WAYS AND WORKS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW
 +HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER CAN GET PROMOTION
 +
 +
 +So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in
 +the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in
 +yet greater hardship: yet were these last mostly merrier than the first
 +named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part
 +godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times.
 +And this was the rhyme upon them:
 +
 + "Hunger and thirst, and cold and heat, and work and woe,
 + and all we meet;
 + And deeds of blood and deeds of shame, all may ye put to
 + the landsknecht's name."
 +
 +Which rhymes were the less like to be lyingly invented in that they
 +answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst,
 +wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being
 +murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured,
 +hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being
 +robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering
 +trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word, hurting and harming, and
 +in turn being hurt and harmed--this was their whole life. And in this
 +career they let nothing hinder them: neither winter nor summer, snow
 +nor ice, heat nor cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry;
 +ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all
 +the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the
 +danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even loss of
 +life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever
 +stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange
 +work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks,
 +campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the
 +soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants)
 +they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who
 +in their old age, unless they have been right thrifty reivers and
 +robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds.
 +
 +Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after
 +some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest
 +branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape
 +death. Now these looked more serious, and somewhat more dignified than
 +the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them
 +were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had
 +to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters,
 +because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to
 +give the musqueteers oil enough to grease their barrels with.
 +
 +Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which
 +was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of
 +ointments and curious soap of disfavour, so that no man save of noble
 +birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God
 +knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble
 +pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with the
 +flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the
 +young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either
 +mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or
 +else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for
 +them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these had also their
 +toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, that they
 +could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could
 +cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called
 +"War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when
 +there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole
 +panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as
 +much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the
 +lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the
 +enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be
 +free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on on
 +those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest
 +places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their
 +commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places,
 +and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the
 +fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it
 +happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet
 +would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he
 +was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet
 +the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself
 +well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some
 +unlucky chance of war deprived both of office and of life. And nowhere
 +was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the
 +tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal
 +under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made
 +an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old
 +soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at
 +times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very
 +bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith
 +were made Ensigns.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER
 +PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, YET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO
 +HIGH HONOURS
 +
 +
 +All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain:
 +whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times
 +our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those
 +of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For greybeards defeat no
 +foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: We
 +say:
 +
 + "Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead
 + and keep the herd,
 + For though the veteran be good, the young must
 + be preferred.
 + So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though
 + he appears:
 + 'Tis but a saw, and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes
 + with years."
 +
 +"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born
 +officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime
 +have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no
 +respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant
 +lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done
 +his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than
 +bring reproach upon his family by treason or desertion or the like,
 +will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have
 +the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in
 +furnishing of offices the preference should ever be given to the
 +nobility, and these properly set before the commons. Such usage is to
 +be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy
 +Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith
 +Sirach in his tenth chapter; which is a noble testimony to the
 +preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be
 +a good soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in
 +every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others:
 +which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them
 +from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this
 +property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit
 +hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have
 +more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure
 +recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the
 +common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman;
 +yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made
 +lords straightway; for men say:
 +
 + "'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant
 + churl that's made a lord?'
 +
 +"Now had the peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom,
 +possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have
 +let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of
 +Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise
 +yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when
 +they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to
 +promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only
 +thought is how ye can tend and care for your sick bodies which, by
 +reason of much hardships, be crippled and of little use for war: yea,
 +and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion."
 +
 +Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if
 +he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded
 +for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all
 +the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our
 +old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the
 +firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the
 +world must acknowledge that 'tis those nations which promote common
 +soldiers, that are good soldiers too, that win victories, as may be
 +seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse
 +
 + "'Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an
 + thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies.
 + So by rewards repay the soldiers toil, for service
 + brave demands its pay likewise.'"
 +
 +Then answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man,
 +we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be
 +who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from
 +shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have
 +raised themselves up far above the poorer nobility to the ranks of
 +counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the
 +Swede Stalhans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. André? Of
 +their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake,
 +forbear to mention. So is it nothing new in the present time, nor will
 +it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great
 +honours, as happened also among the ancients. Tamburlaine became a
 +mighty king and the terror of the whole world, which was before but a
 +swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor
 +Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappadocian, a slave,
 +was emperor after Tiberius II.; Justin, that reigned before Justinian,
 +was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet, a butcher's son, was
 +afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which
 +afterwards was marquess in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out
 +his gold in hundredweights."
 +
 +The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet
 +well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be
 +shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his
 +shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we
 +cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than
 +many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the
 +peasants many noble talents perish for want of means to keep a lad at
 +his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a
 +musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered
 +great services to his general."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD
 +AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK
 +
 +
 +I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudged him not his
 +complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I
 +turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how
 +they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off
 +them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next
 +dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head.
 +And as I looked methought all trees I saw were but one tree, at whose
 +top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all
 +Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole
 +world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion
 +and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such
 +fair virtues, as by bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and
 +transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes:
 +
 + "The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin,
 + Breaks its own branches down and proves its own undoing.
 + By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud
 + Alls topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued."
 +
 +By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the
 +breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself
 +alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For
 +to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly
 +despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a
 +few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with weeping
 +eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would
 +lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which
 +my hermit had writ in his lifetime, and this was the content of it.
 +"Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith
 +out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present
 +troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all
 +times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to
 +the place which is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and
 +be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in
 +the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so
 +mayest thou stand firm. Farewell."
 +
 +I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and
 +started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I
 +journeyed straight on for two whole days, and when night overtook me,
 +sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but
 +beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to
 +a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable
 +banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the
 +peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nördlingen,
 +had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf I
 +set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears
 +of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed
 +for a long time.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY
 +SIMPLICISSIMUS
 +
 +
 +When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook
 +myself to Gelnhausen, and there I found the gates open and partly
 +burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no
 +living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there
 +with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark
 +naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in
 +my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to
 +such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists
 +had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone
 +two-stones'-throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me
 +about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road
 +which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the
 +first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who
 +seized me and took me off to their guard-room.
 +
 +Now must I first describe to the reader my wonderful dress at that
 +time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and
 +behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that
 +the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years
 +and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor
 +combed nor curled nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with
 +more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder,
 +or whatever they call the fools' work--and that so prettily that I
 +looked with my pale face underneath it, like a great white owl that is
 +about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was
 +accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had
 +the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to
 +my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a
 +coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was
 +now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which
 +more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by
 +side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still
 +represented. Over this decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the
 +hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and
 +had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about
 +with iron chains, most deftly disposed crosswise behind and before like
 +the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like
 +them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through
 +the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were
 +cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my
 +feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on stockings of the
 +Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I
 +believe if any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and had
 +given me out for a Samoyede or a Greenlander, he would have found many
 +a fool that would have wasted a kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in
 +his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my
 +decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower,
 +and still less had played truant from any great lord's court,
 +nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the
 +soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of
 +their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it
 +were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with
 +long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard
 +was so miserably handled and mutilated that between mouth and nose
 +there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one
 +could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in
 +no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like a woman's
 +petticoats as a man's breeches. So I thought, if this be a man he
 +should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he
 +pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round
 +her mouth? Sure 'tis a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever
 +let his beard be so lamentably bedevilled, seeing that even goats for
 +pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their
 +beards are clipped. So as I stood in doubt, knowing not of modern
 +fashions, at last I held he was man and woman at once. And this mannish
 +woman or this womanish man had me thoroughly searched, but could find
 +nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written
 +down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious
 +hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his
 +farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it,
 +fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good
 +Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool,"
 +he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And
 +therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving
 +them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at once did
 +note, could neither read nor write himself.
 +
 +So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster
 +were on show; and according as each one regarded me so each made
 +something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man,
 +and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster, that should portend
 +some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere
 +fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the
 +knowledge of God our Father.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE
 +
 +Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I
 +said I knew not. Then said he again "Whither wilt thou?" and again I
 +answered, "I know not." "What the devil dost thou know, then?" says he,
 +"What is thy business?" I answered as before, I knew not. He asked,
 +"Where dost thou dwell?" and as I again answered I knew not, his
 +countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment.
 +But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the
 +enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated,
 +captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of
 +dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy, and
 +ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the
 +soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more
 +found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he
 +read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I
 +answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written
 +it. Then he asked, "Why upon birch-bark?" I answered, because the bark
 +of other trees was not fitted therefore. "Thou rascal," says he, "I ask
 +why thou didst not write on paper." "Oh!" I answered him, "we had none
 +in the wood." The governor asked, "Where, in what wood?" And again I
 +paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor
 +turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, "Either
 +this is an arch-rogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that
 +can write so well." And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew
 +them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply that the hermit's letter
 +fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I
 +held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted
 +and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he had
 +opened and read the letter, "for," says he, "I surely know this hand
 +and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I
 +not remember by whom." Also the contents seemed to him strange and not
 +to be understood: for he said, "This is without doubt a concerted
 +language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is
 +imparted." Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, "Yes,
 +yes," says he, "thou art one of the right kidney. Away, away: put him
 +at once in irons, hand and foot."
 +
 +So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken
 +lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which,
 +in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on
 +hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I
 +had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me
 +enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites,
 +with horrible instruments of torture, which made my wretched plight
 +truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. "O!
 +God!" says I to myself, "how am I rightly served! To this end did
 +Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a
 +misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath
 +deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither
 +hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to
 +the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, contrariwise, must
 +run off from His employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go
 +on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator?
 +Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from
 +the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave
 +it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And
 +behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze
 +of dangers perish and be destroyed. Couldst thou not, unwise creature,
 +understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have
 +left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had
 +hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal
 +salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of
 +the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou
 +hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee
 +with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to
 +follow thereafter." So I bewailed myself, and besought God for
 +forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near
 +to the prison, and when my need was greatest then was God's help
 +nearest: for as I was surrounded by the hangman's mates, and stood
 +there before the gaol with a great multitude of folk to wait till it
 +was opened and I could be thrust in, lo, my good pastor, whose village
 +had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward
 +(himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and
 +saw me, he cried loudly, "O Simplicissimus, is it thou?"
 +
 +When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up
 +both hands to him and cry, "O father, father, father." So he asked what
 +had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a
 +certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned
 +from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would
 +make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor,
 +for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would
 +hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he
 +knew me better than could any man.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A
 +FRIENDLY GLANCE
 +
 +
 +So 'twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter
 +I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitors' room, where were
 +already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher with
 +stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I
 +might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all,
 +and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure
 +aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling
 +soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order
 +which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old
 +clothes again. Yet 'twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came
 +presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar
 +for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and
 +ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer
 +hunger, and lamp-black and burnt umber for my golden hair, white lead
 +for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured
 +coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze
 +upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head
 +on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now
 +he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a
 +word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had
 +executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And
 +not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my
 +head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair:
 +and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair
 +enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and
 +cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years'
 +dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes
 +and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather.
 +Likewise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so
 +all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at
 +work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the
 +maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a
 +young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew
 +not what they would do with me: for as yet I had never heard of the
 +"condemned man's supper," and therefore the partaking of this glorious
 +first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently
 +express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe
 +I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak
 +was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward
 +figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the
 +tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me,
 +in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering
 +the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen. But my forest
 +dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed
 +away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and
 +antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by.
 +
 +So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed
 +as I had never seen or heard of in my dad's house or while I dwelt with
 +my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night
 +through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that
 +it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful
 +new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet
 +until the sweet sun shone bright again (for 'twas cold) and reflected
 +what strange adventures I had passed through in a few days, and how God
 +my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an
 +heritage.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED
 +
 +
 +The same morning the Governor's chamberlain commanded me, I should go
 +to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had
 +said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to
 +him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down
 +and bade me also sit down, and says he, "My good Simplicissimus, that
 +same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the
 +Lord Governor's brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war
 +and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the
 +same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an
 +heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the
 +holiest of men: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet
 +his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the
 +course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and
 +resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and
 +despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain,
 +foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly
 +eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust
 +at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on
 +that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and
 +wherein thou didst bear him company till his death." "And in my
 +opinion," said the pastor, "he had been seduced thereto by his reading
 +of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites. Yet
 +will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart, and, in
 +accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit's life, that thou
 +mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night
 +after that bloody battle of Höchst was lost, he came alone and
 +unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were
 +fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all
 +over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in
 +such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this
 +present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till
 +he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and
 +after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious,
 +had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome
 +steed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of
 +his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he
 +still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me.
 +Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must
 +wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village
 +pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble
 +carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield
 +himself: but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to
 +the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred
 +before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady,
 +and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of
 +all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest
 +soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw
 +that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the
 +house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier's bed of clean
 +straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The
 +next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his
 +money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share
 +divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I
 +not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take
 +than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great
 +presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved so much from
 +him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such
 +riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my
 +possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he
 +said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me
 +from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to
 +carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his
 +clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I
 +fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan
 +smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more
 +with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me
 +that at last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and
 +furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing
 +in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of
 +wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that
 +he had a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore)
 +must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady's
 +portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money's worth.
 +Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there
 +helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his
 +life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as
 +well as I, yea, in part better.
 +
 +"Now when lately the Battle of Nördlingen was lost and I, as thou
 +knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled
 +hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when
 +my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the
 +before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the
 +hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to
 +turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine
 +workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the
 +arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such
 +treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit's
 +handwriting or deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also
 +how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not
 +believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth;
 +and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the
 +dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the
 +tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my
 +story, and seeing that I can call to witness the place where the hermit
 +dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my
 +sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day,
 +and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer
 +doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the
 +late hermit's holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee
 +for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou
 +only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt
 +study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have
 +thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as
 +his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed
 +brother-in-law he would cherish it." So I answered, 'twas all one to me
 +what the Lord Governor would do with me.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE
 +HERMIT'S WIFE WAS LOST
 +
 +
 +Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before
 +he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve: for so
 +could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: 'tis
 +true Hanau was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so
 +hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress)
 +that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to
 +pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had
 +cast away. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the
 +Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate
 +in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as
 +well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his
 +tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had
 +been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and
 +therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry
 +myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard
 +life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved
 +that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should
 +even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related
 +how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I
 +was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marvelled
 +at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also
 +at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not
 +enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before
 +his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved
 +me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had
 +already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the
 +hermit.
 +
 +Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was
 +commandant of Hanau. "Yea, truly," answered the pastor, "for I told him
 +myself: but he listened as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle
 +smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think
 +thereupon, I must wonder at this man's resolution and firm purpose,
 +that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world
 +but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close
 +at hand."
 +
 +Then were the Governor's eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft
 +woman's heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, "Had I
 +known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had
 +him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses:
 +but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his
 +Simplicissimus." And "Ah!" says he again, "the good cavalier had cause
 +enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the
 +pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that
 +too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my
 +brother-in-law was slain at Höchst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the
 +enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than
 +to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart
 +by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost
 +to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her." This and
 +the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor
 +regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied
 +because they had enjoyed each other's love but a year. But as to me, I
 +became the Governor's page, and so fine a fellow that the people,
 +specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called
 +me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster
 +that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS
 +THEREIN
 +
 +
 +Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear
 +conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with
 +the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I
 +had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man
 +commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I
 +being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever
 +before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will:
 +and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men's ways and
 +works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness.
 +Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and
 +the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the
 +contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His
 +disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which
 +every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides,
 +such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must
 +needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I
 +could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God's will: yet
 +could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a
 +thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into
 +grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, "Judge
 +not, that ye be not judged." Nevertheless there came into my mind the
 +words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith:
 +"The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery,
 +fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness," and so on: "of the which I
 +tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which
 +do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." Then I thought:
 +every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in
 +this matter conclude from the apostle's word that there shall be few
 +that are saved?
 +
 +Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and
 +swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of
 +substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this
 +shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice
 +is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things,
 +their own godlessness and God's holy will, a mere jest. For example, I
 +heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished
 +would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: "It serves the
 +cowardly cuckold aright," says he, "to get a pair of horns from me: and
 +if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to
 +please the wife, and so to be revenged on them."
 +
 +"O pitiful revenge!" says one honest heart that stood by, "by which a
 +man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of
 +adulterer and fornicator!"
 +
 +"What! fornicator!" answered he, with a scornful laughter, "I am no
 +fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is
 +he that the sixth commandment[5] speaks of, where it forbids that any
 +man get into another's garden and nick the fruit before the owner." How
 +to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained
 +according to his devil's catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it
 +is said, "Thou shalt not steal." And of such words he used many, so
 +that I sighed within myself and thought, "O God-blaspheming sinner,
 +thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a
 +marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death."
 +And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer
 +though he was, "Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless
 +words than by thine act of adultery." So he answered me, "Thou rascal,
 +must I give thee a buffet or two?" Yea, and I believe I had received a
 +handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord.
 +So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for
 +single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as
 +were unwedded.
 +
 +Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit's care, the way to
 +eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden
 +idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the
 +true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any
 +other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was
 +unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought
 +I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked
 +how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special
 +idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some
 +had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust
 +and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly
 +and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a
 +pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead
 +depended only on the April weather of a prince's smile: others found
 +their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that
 +they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their
 +head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so
 +that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these
 +forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that
 +gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose
 +god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as
 +once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god shewed
 +himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these
 +miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their
 +life's prolongation in the apothecary's shop, wherefrom they were more
 +often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for
 +themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner
 +of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand
 +sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of
 +them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their
 +folly and become as great fools as were their suitors.
 +
 +Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their
 +idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in
 +heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other
 +offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters,
 +powders, and the like daubs.
 +
 +There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods:
 +for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had
 +health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their
 +windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would
 +well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one
 +man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in
 +tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which
 +should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and
 +day a thousand sighs, for 'twas by that he made his way in life. Yet
 +what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke.
 +Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and
 +the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which
 +stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of
 +tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and
 +certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next
 +world.
 +
 +Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it
 +was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the
 +great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German:
 +the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have
 +died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him,
 +who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature
 +could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read
 +that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages
 +ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater.
 +
 +I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine
 +curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an "Ecce Homo"
 +by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator
 +at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China,
 +whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape
 +like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this
 +gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said "Ecce Homo" he
 +said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of
 +more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such "Ecce Homos." So said
 +I, "Sir, is your heart like to your speech?" "Surely," said he. "Why
 +then," said I, "your heart's god is that one whose picture you do
 +confess with your mouth to be of most value." "Fool," says he, "'tis
 +the rarity I esteem." Whereto I replied, "Yet what can be rarer and
 +more worthy of wonder than that God's Son Himself suffered in the way
 +which this picture doth declare?"
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND THE WORLD ALL STRANGE AND THE
 +WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE
 +
 +
 +Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were
 +worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God
 +despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command,
 +so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled
 +even the publicans in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when
 +Christ walked upon earth open sinners. And so saith Christ: "Love your
 +enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your
 +brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?" But I found not only
 +no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the
 +clean opposite. "The more a man hath kindred the more a man is
 +hindered" was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred,
 +malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other
 +born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the
 +handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could
 +plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners,
 +publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were
 +hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise
 +of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at
 +least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward
 +because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we
 +hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good
 +faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For
 +many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some
 +retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too
 +between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated
 +his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her
 +good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and
 +masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched
 +them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless
 +servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters to ruin.
 +Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery:
 +exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant's brow by all
 +manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were
 +peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly
 +fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves
 +for their simplicity.
 +
 +Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he
 +that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in
 +no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him,
 +and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of
 +my voice, "Ah! friend, what dost thou?" "A coward must he be," says he,
 +"that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not
 +to live. What! he must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed
 +off." And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for
 +their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man
 +moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears:
 +and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly,
 +that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest
 +treasure. But all this was but child's play: for they stayed not at
 +such children's curses but presently 'twas so: "Thunder, lightning,
 +hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me," and the like, and not one
 +thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, "and snatch me away into
 +the air." Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not
 +seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many "bloodies,"
 +"dammes," and "cursemes" that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then
 +thought I of Christ's command wherein He saith, "Swear not, let your
 +speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more is evil."
 +
 +Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the
 +last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and
 +therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify
 +me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin,
 +shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by
 +day; and thus they would say: "'S blood, man, but we were foxed
 +yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did
 +vomit all." "My stars," says another, "how did we torment the rascal
 +peasants!" And "Hundred thousand devils!" says a third, "what sport did
 +we have with the women and maids!" And so on. "I cut him down as if
 +lightning had struck him." "I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the
 +whites of his eyes!" Or again: "I rode him down so cleverly, the devil
 +only could fetch him off," "I put such a stone in his way that he must
 +needs break his neck thereover."
 +
 +Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than
 +that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be
 +grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers,
 +when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz.,
 +to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn,
 +and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the
 +usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and
 +therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip
 +honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a
 +house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one
 +would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder":
 +"and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down:
 +where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung
 +up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out,
 +and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways
 +would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I
 +was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent
 +that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep
 +silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that
 +all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would
 +look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld
 +them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses
 +in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile
 +'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices
 +and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a
 +thorny path he and his likes do walk.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxvi._: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK
 +AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER
 +
 +
 +Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among
 +Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had
 +heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these
 +people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all,
 +with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I
 +might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor
 +answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to
 +call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point
 +out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am
 +I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the
 +pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the
 +time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from
 +the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like
 +question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be
 +fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary
 +thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere,
 +secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and
 +is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few
 +Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."[6]
 +
 +Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had
 +been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up
 +our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I
 +was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a
 +new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our
 +garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the
 +prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his
 +for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still
 +alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together
 +here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged."
 +Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take
 +thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I
 +should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long
 +ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be
 +wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again,
 +and be nobly drunk together."
 +
 +"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these
 +noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the
 +coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them
 +without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love,
 +how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's
 +flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them
 +in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever
 +so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might
 +as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the
 +perilous hatred of these godless fellows."
 +
 +At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went
 +then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the
 +town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity,
 +and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing
 +that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to
 +harness.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND
 +HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND
 +
 +
 +Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the
 +greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister
 +whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as
 +good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in
 +many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me
 +favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to
 +me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my
 +simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and
 +therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times
 +gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many:
 +often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came
 +about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in
 +nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he
 +answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it
 +he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine
 +raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he
 +fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so
 +small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had:
 +so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did
 +he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an
 +ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how
 +could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers
 +in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such
 +business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife,
 +and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and
 +servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At
 +these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts.
 +
 +"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or
 +advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and
 +numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish
 +diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this
 +wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they
 +eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this
 +art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore
 +have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm
 +in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and
 +have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man
 +will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that
 +appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no
 +opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly."
 +
 +Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth
 +reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of
 +dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I
 +found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And
 +these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one
 +stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a
 +difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not
 +properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another
 +'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be
 +ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out
 +of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The
 +secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me
 +this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that
 +the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to
 +be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble"
 +signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed
 +in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes,
 +impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why
 +'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if
 +one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas
 +"well" with her when she brought him into the world.
 +
 +And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of
 +the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish
 +and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved
 +myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must
 +bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his
 +disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet
 +greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that
 +cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause
 +against him.
 +
 +For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had
 +already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was of
 +like age with myself. "And this is Jonathan," I thought, "and thou art
 +David."
 +
 +But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord
 +shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I
 +should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with
 +malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a
 +stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine
 +eyes as doves' eyes[7] and my intent far different from his: nay, I
 +confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than
 +in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded
 +me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty,
 +followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be
 +duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S-HEAD
 +
 +
 +The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had
 +appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good
 +friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the
 +strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must
 +I, as at that time 'twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to
 +bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my
 +hand. The first day there was a big fat calf's-head (of which folk are
 +wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because
 +this calf's-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his
 +whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a
 +charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth
 +and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my
 +mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes,
 +my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it
 +into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my
 +desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that
 +same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly
 +and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived
 +it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For
 +when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was
 +wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he
 +was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to
 +him he had served up a calf's-head with one eye. So the cook must
 +appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were
 +with him examined: and last of all it came out that 'twas to poor
 +Simplicissimus the calf's-head had last been entrusted, and that with
 +two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord,
 +as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done
 +with the calf's eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave
 +the calf's-head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they
 +asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.
 +
 +"Pardieu," quoth my lord, "this trick savoureth better than ten
 +calves." And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying
 +and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a
 +wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift
 +resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick
 +for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment,
 +but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained
 +the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes
 +together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help
 +and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by
 +nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxix._: HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND
 +FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK
 +
 +
 +At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came
 +to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all
 +appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they
 +had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a
 +Quakers' meeting. But hardly had each one said "God's blessing!" three
 +or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how
 +each one's voice grew louder and louder: I could but compare the whole
 +company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth
 +with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being
 +strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin,
 +that it may go the livelier, and likewise dessert, to give a flavour to
 +the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish
 +olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered
 +ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned
 +(and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients
 +and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different
 +from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius[8] himself,
 +though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of
 +cooks, yet had not recognised them. Then thought I: "Is't not like
 +enough that these things should disturb the senses of any man who can
 +take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially
 +appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows
 +if even Circe used any other means but these when she did change
 +Ulysses his companions into swine?" For I saw how these guests at one
 +time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then
 +carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers'
 +dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg
 +they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which
 +presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I
 +saw with wonder how all changed; for here were reputable folk, which
 +just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in
 +peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to
 +play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they
 +did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became
 +bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts
 +strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater:
 +but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. 'Twas not
 +wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch
 +as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite
 +unknown to me: and this left in my roguish remembrance thereafter all
 +manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings: their strange looks I
 +could see; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till
 +then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now
 +their bellies were full 'twas as hard with them as with a waggoner,
 +that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the
 +hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want
 +of strength was made good: in one man's case by his courage, well
 +soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to
 +his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour
 +right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one
 +challenge another to pour the wine in in buckets to the health of the
 +princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one's
 +eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the
 +drinking must go on; yea, at the last they must make a noise with
 +drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordnance,
 +doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by
 +assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I
 +knew not that they would turn out the same before 'twas well warm
 +within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into
 +which they had just before poured it to the great danger of their
 +health.
 +
 +At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other
 +men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and "Pastor," said
 +I, "why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do
 +reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their
 +senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear
 +devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to
 +swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God's despite that they
 +of their free will waste all things so wantonly?"
 +
 +"Dear child," answered the pastor, "when the wine is in the wit is out.
 +This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak
 +'twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have
 +already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry."
 +
 +So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so
 +continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in
 +such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and
 +verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious
 +souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their
 +senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels
 +of unreasoning beasts?"
 +
 +"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a
 +sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better
 +than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and
 +saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the
 +poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished,
 +before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the
 +Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town
 +there was famine.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxx._: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO
 +BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT
 +
 +
 +So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from
 +the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced
 +to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said
 +he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot
 +companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a
 +beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For,"
 +says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and
 +quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to
 +drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink
 +profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers
 +did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due
 +measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his
 +word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure,
 +and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone
 +and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.
 +
 +So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for
 +all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and
 +opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to
 +bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of
 +them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand,
 +the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me:
 +now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last
 +longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to
 +himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about,
 +as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see
 +how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one
 +laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted
 +"Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable:
 +another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was
 +silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him.
 +One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful
 +deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the
 +constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the
 +world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay
 +where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or
 +walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a
 +week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten
 +that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and
 +mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the
 +lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups,
 +dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists
 +only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever
 +came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but
 +to that my lord presently put an end.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX
 +
 +
 +So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the
 +minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a
 +great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord
 +throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from
 +over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and
 +sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs
 +whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught
 +could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn
 +in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I
 +before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he
 +pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me
 +that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a
 +fo-fo-fo-fox!"
 +
 +So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could
 +come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me
 +quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin
 +right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and
 +such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted
 +away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some
 +fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but
 +when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright
 +and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold
 +sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's.
 +But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with
 +that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.
 +
 +Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I
 +should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a
 +silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my
 +lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and
 +asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take
 +it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I
 +find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take
 +it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of
 +health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but
 +that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me
 +therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids
 +should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith,
 +and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE
 +
 +
 +Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed
 +him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies,
 +bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun
 +round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone
 +mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and
 +fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so
 +dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but
 +that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware
 +that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right
 +senses. "Good God," thought I, "what do these poor folk intend to do?
 +Surely madness is come upon them." Yet presently I thought these might
 +perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock
 +of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I
 +thought, had they human souls and God's image in them, sure they would
 +not act so unlike to men.
 +
 +When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save
 +that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such
 +curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they
 +would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious
 +madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their
 +puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did
 +their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed
 +them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and
 +therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic
 +doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and
 +stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all
 +there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. "For
 +how," says he, "canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp
 +about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime?
 +Even so will they break in this floor." "Good heavens!" quoth I, "then
 +must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their
 +company?" "Yea," quoth my comrade, "'tis their purpose, and therefore
 +do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do
 +find themselves in danger of death each one seizes upon a fair lady or
 +maiden, for 'tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in
 +this way no grievous harm is wont to happen."
 +
 +Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and
 +fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the
 +minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard,
 +and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their
 +ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his
 +partner by the hand, 'twas to me even as if I saw the floor already
 +a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when
 +they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played
 +just then a lively galop), then thought I, "Now is thy life at stake."
 +For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly
 +tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility
 +and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I
 +caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her like a
 +burr, but when she struggled, as not knowing what foolish fancies were
 +in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to
 +scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden:
 +the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady
 +to whose arm I still clung deemed herself grievously insulted; for she
 +fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon
 +commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up
 +somewhere, "for," said he, "'twas not the first trick I had played on
 +him that day." Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had
 +sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a
 +goose-pen under the staircase.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +BOOK II.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. i._: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED
 +
 +
 +S? in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and
 +white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this
 +place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I
 +doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor
 +down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate
 +how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely,
 +till that "Praeludium Veneris" (I should have said that seemly dance)
 +was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with
 +the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow
 +that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick
 +as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a
 +lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to
 +happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures
 +as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my
 +mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me,
 +I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the
 +end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I
 +could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil
 +air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console
 +the first.
 +
 +Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not
 +what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet
 +when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards
 +nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and
 +moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of
 +those mad folk which helped to stamp on the floor, and have now betaken
 +themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy
 +death.
 +
 +As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so
 +to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of "Murder" as loud as that
 +which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the
 +door behind me and make for the open house-door.
 +
 +This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and
 +even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to
 +give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score
 +against me, which I honourably discharged.
 +
 +Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat,
 +but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart
 +what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I
 +hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up,
 +whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE
 +PROPER SEASON
 +
 +
 +And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first
 +aware of my sad plight. In my master's quarters all was sound asleep:
 +so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the
 +house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me:
 +while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to
 +betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to
 +seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought
 +I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therein was so
 +importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But
 +forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by
 +this time wellnigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to
 +him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed:
 +for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I
 +hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood
 +by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had
 +fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began
 +with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill
 +they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after
 +he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my
 +comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house:
 +item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I
 +tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and
 +what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered
 +me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead.
 +
 +"Simplicissimus," said the pastor, "thy case stands but lousily: thou
 +hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear thou hast fooled it away.
 +Get thee quick out of bed and pack out of my house, lest I come with
 +thee under my lord's displeasure if thou be found here with me." So I
 +must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must
 +understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess
 +his master's favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour
 +halteth.
 +
 +Away I went to my master's lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep
 +save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room
 +wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was
 +preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a
 +luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with
 +all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In
 +some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards
 +and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer,
 +so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate
 +seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse
 +than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook
 +myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before
 +the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would
 +further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon
 +all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind
 +all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen
 +and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the
 +poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and
 +heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND
 +HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL
 +
 +
 +When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen:
 +who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife
 +behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before
 +such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long
 +time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and
 +thither to fetch yesterday's guests to breakfast: among whom was also
 +the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master
 +would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked
 +him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so
 +simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I
 +had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part
 +taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of
 +malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up
 +in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet
 +further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my
 +state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him:
 +in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played
 +him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to
 +do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself
 +so clownishly, to send me to the devil.
 +
 +Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by
 +degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord
 +Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little
 +while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from
 +which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable
 +thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his
 +conduct.
 +
 +Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same
 +mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a
 +treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a
 +thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised
 +him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.
 +
 +So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food
 +and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and
 +lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of
 +the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their
 +first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of
 +drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that
 +would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some
 +had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed
 +confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it 'twas only
 +since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that
 +such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of
 +hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear
 +the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of
 +those merry happenings which he had promised.
 +
 +So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he
 +must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office.
 +Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had
 +caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I
 +had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain
 +enchantments[9] against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned
 +out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange
 +to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication
 +thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized
 +upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen.
 +All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking
 +that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my
 +simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master's favour and
 +was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in
 +the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought,
 +for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken
 +offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour.
 +Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I
 +given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said,
 +"Nothing at all." Then says he, "I will pay him the school fees for
 +thee." So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly
 +trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried
 +those magical arts and found them false.
 +
 +So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give
 +me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well
 +that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to
 +make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish
 +fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a
 +hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, "Another may have done
 +it." "Who then?" says he. "Why," says I, "he that came to me." "And who
 +came to thee?" quoth he. "Nay," says I, "that may I tell no man." Now
 +my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go
 +about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it
 +was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, "The mad
 +ensign."
 +
 +Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily
 +committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as
 +a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet
 +this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a
 +command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And
 +thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do
 +with me in the goose-pen. "Oh," says I, "he brought a young lady to me
 +there."
 +
 +And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter
 +that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more
 +questions; and 'twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young
 +maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame.
 +
 +Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a
 +little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now
 +where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams
 +on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed
 +in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled
 +the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front
 +smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories
 +of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other
 +employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a
 +general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be
 +soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare
 +jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in
 +the world and cause laughter to a dying man.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE
 +MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN:
 +THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS
 +
 +
 +But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done
 +the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of
 +letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which
 +same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review
 +the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting,
 +and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind
 +is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as
 +tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with
 +the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a
 +detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates,
 +himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he
 +wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere
 +ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed
 +him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at
 +all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea,
 +the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the
 +Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his
 +lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place.
 +
 +Then thought I, "Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern
 +all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another's help."
 +
 +So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call "Who goes
 +there?" though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but
 +would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more
 +impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the
 +last "Who goes there?" "The man who pays the money."
 +
 +Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the
 +before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by
 +profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to
 +himself: "Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that
 +pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou.
 +So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert
 +struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town."
 +
 +So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with
 +the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm
 +him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love
 +and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind
 +drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace.
 +
 +Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and
 +sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat
 +that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may
 +well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned
 +in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five
 +with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too
 +little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that
 +end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise
 +military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this
 +reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came
 +happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one
 +trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name,
 +hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so
 +must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor
 +himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the
 +muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family;
 +and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own
 +sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew
 +my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the
 +profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And
 +this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in
 +all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more
 +than this to my charge.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND
 +THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE
 +
 +
 +Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come
 +secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus:
 +for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy.
 +Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined
 +to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and
 +to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for
 +thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art
 +to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so
 +grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be
 +used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because
 +such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because
 +I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake,
 +desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with
 +counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble,
 +therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will
 +in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to
 +thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise
 +hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy
 +spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these
 +things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at
 +no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but
 +look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I
 +impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they
 +shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor
 +believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so
 +carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine
 +attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then
 +will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know
 +not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou
 +shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me
 +that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray
 +God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of
 +body."
 +
 +With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook
 +myself home.
 +
 +Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep
 +came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room
 +and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and
 +twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch
 +in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed
 +and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my
 +clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and
 +natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all
 +the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with
 +them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could
 +neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up
 +and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great
 +fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to
 +drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade
 +me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was
 +careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they
 +pretended.
 +
 +Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us:
 +but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must
 +forthwith into this fire that thou seest."
 +
 +These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I
 +marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive
 +this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must
 +themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but
 +they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such
 +customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than
 +I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself
 +with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately
 +do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to
 +chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all
 +the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they
 +themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not
 +go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I
 +often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they
 +would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is
 +kept from sleep[10]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could
 +have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they
 +stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch;
 +and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I
 +spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the
 +fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould
 +burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of
 +my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox
 +when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could
 +no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet
 +and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well
 +have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know
 +not, so gone was I from my senses.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A
 +CALF
 +
 +
 +Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar
 +with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the
 +foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when
 +I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then
 +read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies,
 +or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like
 +Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a
 +fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and
 +between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at
 +least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth,
 +and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its
 +form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring
 +itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet
 +ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair
 +hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just
 +fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could
 +serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the
 +unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit
 +handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their
 +clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself,
 +I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of
 +two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was
 +in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames
 +stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young
 +child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience
 +and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it
 +truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in
 +no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy
 +youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one
 +could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou
 +mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things."
 +
 +So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I
 +fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and
 +other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my
 +clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one
 +stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads
 +with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white
 +shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and
 +the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes,
 +shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded
 +flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out
 +to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had
 +happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam:
 +so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was
 +at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented
 +by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink,
 +which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle
 +sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell
 +asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.
 +
 +The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet
 +found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine
 +old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar,
 +and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough
 +side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian
 +fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on
 +my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my
 +head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I
 +perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the
 +feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first
 +began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this
 +I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the
 +chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate
 +would shape itself.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A
 +BRUTE BEAST
 +
 +
 +Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign
 +had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a
 +fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath
 +not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present
 +myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long
 +before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me;
 +for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who
 +was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in
 +here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and
 +wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became
 +them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited
 +comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought
 +often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel
 +what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the
 +Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak
 +than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did,
 +and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For
 +this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in
 +goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come
 +of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."
 +
 +So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street
 +to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and
 +inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very
 +blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was
 +being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack
 +of young fools and old.
 +
 +Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the
 +world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a
 +gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have
 +about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered
 +thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we
 +calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into
 +fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and
 +thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out
 +of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured
 +the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try
 +which of us two can best trick the other."
 +
 +Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his
 +cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran
 +to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but
 +they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf,
 +albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and
 +scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been
 +let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again
 +bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport.
 +And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and
 +as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly
 +one fool maketh a hundred more."
 +
 +But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine
 +own self."
 +
 +And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my
 +part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to
 +the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily;
 +for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did
 +count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their
 +wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each
 +one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men
 +the cleverest.
 +
 +The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short
 +forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At
 +dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint
 +tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's
 +food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at
 +that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of
 +calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads
 +of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first
 +course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to
 +lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with
 +salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this,
 +but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.
 +
 +"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new
 +thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at
 +times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what
 +is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference
 +is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part
 +therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was
 +hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men
 +could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful
 +than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more
 +stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than
 +foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than
 +asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their
 +shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of
 +innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my
 +fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a
 +stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without
 +doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men
 +into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took
 +my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests
 +or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord
 +would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all
 +this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this
 +sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and
 +impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much
 +wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover,
 +that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they
 +alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be
 +as many good fish[12] in the sea yet.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE
 +FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS
 +
 +
 +Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and
 +away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away
 +the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him
 +I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So
 +when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many
 +folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why,
 +upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this
 +foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so
 +use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself
 +as if thou, like to the Ph[oe]nix, hast been newly born from folly to
 +understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou
 +withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason
 +hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of
 +joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy
 +life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth
 +need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a
 +long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as
 +well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight
 +and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or
 +unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide."
 +
 +Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and
 +that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I
 +fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit
 +and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face,
 +that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed
 +what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and
 +busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which
 +he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made
 +him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded.
 +Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour,
 +wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had
 +invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not
 +without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a
 +single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a
 +thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the
 +head such as he had ministered to me."
 +
 +"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own
 +books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein
 +the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist."
 +
 +Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth,
 +'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became
 +keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and
 +told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his
 +right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of
 +Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he
 +came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators,
 +and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm
 +men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister
 +judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So,
 +too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know
 +out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once
 +through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once
 +recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses
 +spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew
 +the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by
 +word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian
 +Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of
 +the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects.
 +Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences.
 +The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median,
 +Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by
 +heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican
 +that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them
 +in proper order.
 +
 +"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold
 +it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently
 +strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in
 +many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is
 +no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness,
 +terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth
 +a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens
 +that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever
 +learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness,
 +came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala
 +Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory.
 +And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot
 +how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a
 +year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place
 +and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's
 +brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as
 +if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a
 +Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and
 +could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good
 +Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well
 +have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull
 +like Jupiter."
 +
 +The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his
 +medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come.
 +So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one
 +hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like
 +calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window,
 +and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh
 +heartily thereat.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY
 +
 +
 +Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the
 +parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to
 +see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like
 +a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took
 +occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she
 +did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also
 +heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so.
 +
 +"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?"
 +
 +So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who
 +knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become
 +a calf; and yet am I that same."
 +
 +Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should
 +become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts
 +naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be
 +wont to cover."
 +
 +"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou
 +art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis
 +worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for
 +sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein
 +thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to
 +thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how
 +to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is
 +becoming."
 +
 +So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to
 +head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her
 +to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault
 +lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left
 +those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the
 +skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have
 +his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady,"
 +quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care
 +that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master
 +Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann,
 +and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never
 +drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine
 +clothes he would make for the hussies."
 +
 +So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula
 +handsomer than these ladies;"
 +
 +"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair
 +as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth
 +as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so
 +sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as
 +if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a
 +dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is
 +it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull
 +that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed
 +that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see
 +this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady
 +had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and
 +this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine
 +as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine
 +so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to
 +warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a
 +blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters
 +with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches.
 +Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the
 +colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters
 +give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so
 +orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white
 +turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel
 +pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white
 +as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And
 +oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so
 +long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a
 +gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go
 +a-fishing."
 +
 +With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I
 +talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by
 +others so long as I would, and no longer.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS
 +
 +
 +Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service:
 +for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise
 +all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well
 +fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his
 +vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he
 +laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would
 +demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As
 +to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at
 +once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was
 +the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what
 +title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he,
 +"like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first
 +parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such
 +as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in
 +such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were
 +exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods:
 +and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the
 +histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between
 +men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but
 +since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human
 +honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to
 +the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice."
 +
 +So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read
 +pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not
 +this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak
 +otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and
 +what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give
 +nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of
 +these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes
 +and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them?
 +And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do
 +descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a
 +stockfish and thy mother a plaice."
 +
 +"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our
 +reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but
 +a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy
 +family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet
 +lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf."
 +
 +So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would
 +maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to
 +the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of
 +their parent's titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a
 +calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great
 +king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please God that I,
 +like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my
 +dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make
 +themselves nobles."
 +
 +"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the
 +children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet
 +thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn
 +their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that
 +we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the
 +apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the
 +descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their
 +ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in
 +his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able
 +to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him
 +nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age
 +overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a
 +battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer
 +rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he
 +were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee
 +before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than
 +other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like
 +perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of
 +precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and
 +Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the
 +civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and
 +slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 ships
 +from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain
 +capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman
 +people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight
 +times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars
 +on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine
 +generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did
 +clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in
 +war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his
 +fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that
 +he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the
 +French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose
 +undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell
 +of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass
 +over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to
 +make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters
 +of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain
 +and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in
 +Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and
 +in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in
 +love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with
 +one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at
 +Syracuse a great ship laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a
 +packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of
 +two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this
 +honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art?
 +This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's
 +warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent
 +letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised
 +the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was
 +accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture
 +and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have
 +their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it
 +mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things
 +into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with
 +the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the
 +hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no
 +honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do
 +deserve it."
 +
 +With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These
 +mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not
 +accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what
 +manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many
 +innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won
 +by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts,
 +what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain,
 +idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any
 +man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust,
 +or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns
 +which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we
 +spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion
 +of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for
 +him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to
 +recognise the almighty power of God."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xi._: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR
 +
 +
 +Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well
 +perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth,
 +therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility." "Sir,"
 +answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of
 +honour, yet would I not take it."
 +
 +My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten
 +straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of
 +gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours
 +and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune
 +raises me above my fellows."
 +
 +Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I assure you,
 +ye are the most miserable man in Hanau."
 +
 +"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I
 +find not in myself."
 +
 +So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in
 +Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened,
 +then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you
 +of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command,
 +and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they
 +serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not
 +specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with
 +foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone.
 +Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and
 +therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon.
 +Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye
 +must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition,
 +food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to
 +contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men
 +out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and
 +murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb,
 +captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they
 +brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility
 +before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine
 +honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such
 +treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches
 +remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in
 +this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast
 +gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty,
 +yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in
 +misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see
 +that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are
 +distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in
 +peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy
 +head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the
 +preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am
 +raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of
 +death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest
 +I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I
 +delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay
 +snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a
 +continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and
 +foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or
 +thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as
 +thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and
 +thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as
 +regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.
 +
 +"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee
 +and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for
 +thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather
 +greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that
 +place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and
 +prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God's majesty. Yea, and
 +the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou
 +knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that
 +thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou
 +doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into
 +virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and
 +when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they,
 +and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour
 +and fill their purses too."
 +
 +"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?"
 +
 +"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled
 +by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help?
 +Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn
 +thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in
 +thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou
 +not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the
 +Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head
 +bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so
 +loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he
 +did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for
 +wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too
 +greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of
 +Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye
 +now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that,
 +besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites,
 +hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten
 +thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers?
 +Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head
 +have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't
 +not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them,
 +and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of
 +itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor
 +secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet
 +how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the
 +end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou
 +canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who
 +after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal
 +and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice,
 +banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So
 +Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his
 +countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw;
 +yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and
 +had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to
 +thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it
 +with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to
 +carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to
 +obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy
 +commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a
 +stupid calf."
 +
 +While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and
 +wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as
 +they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if
 +he had been forced so to speak without preparation.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xii._: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS
 +
 +So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent
 +master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so
 +since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines;
 +and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise
 +know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me
 +as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance:
 +even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for
 +thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and
 +soon will bring thee into one sickness or another."
 +
 +Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou
 +art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that
 +calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin."
 +
 +With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then,
 +that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain
 +that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you
 +a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who
 +hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and
 +the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves,
 +turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to
 +eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath
 +taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is
 +shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the
 +weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh
 +the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to
 +them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that
 +she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did
 +instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and
 +heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the
 +pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by
 +bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and
 +sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that
 +we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too
 +fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And
 +which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this,
 +consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their
 +cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them,
 +therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious
 +than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they
 +should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the
 +autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer
 +climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that
 +end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them,
 +perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good
 +friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must
 +spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other,
 +and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further,
 +behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if
 +you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath
 +taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to
 +catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else
 +full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus
 +writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many
 +stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof.
 +What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold
 +all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings?
 +Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had
 +somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and
 +instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid,
 +now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other;
 +they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to
 +them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is
 +necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men
 +yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered
 +of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute
 +whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not
 +to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they
 +make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of
 +it."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xiii._: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER
 +READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM
 +
 +
 +Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord's
 +guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool
 +because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had
 +a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most
 +complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to
 +drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I
 +was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at
 +least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool
 +because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his
 +speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they
 +spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I
 +studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was
 +"but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are
 +these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the
 +balls with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad
 +ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is
 +possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that
 +my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf,
 +whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go
 +to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul,
 +which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to
 +hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am
 +but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God's good time I might
 +well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a
 +pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him
 +of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on,
 +"how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and
 +hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord's
 +repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding
 +comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance
 +prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all
 +Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would
 +vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to
 +praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in
 +devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were
 +also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's
 +own eyes were full of water.
 +
 +After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that
 +I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest
 +all was not well[13] with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in
 +the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and
 +ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who
 +knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have
 +been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said
 +he, "were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with
 +such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would
 +he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere,
 +seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet
 +if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then
 +had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there
 +would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his
 +reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God,
 +whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my assurance,"
 +said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to
 +the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his
 +father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the
 +wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with
 +him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was
 +but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew
 +not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if
 +we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no
 +longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly
 +believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his
 +friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and
 +broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed
 +both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a
 +wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food
 +nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave
 +themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined
 +themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to
 +eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had
 +a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me
 +he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid
 +of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him
 +ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the
 +smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw
 +off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap
 +such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to
 +it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon,
 +which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I
 +had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest
 +it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through
 +tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away
 +his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he
 +had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was
 +in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge,
 +conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs
 +believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one
 +madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the
 +ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by
 +little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he
 +felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right
 +shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as
 +were these of whom I have spoken."
 +
 +"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me
 +concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all
 +matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find
 +even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is:
 +for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine
 +own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so
 +that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle
 +or a warning of God."
 +
 +"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I
 +know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went
 +through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because
 +the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and
 +forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he
 +stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with
 +time he may again be brought to right reason."
 +
 +In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me
 +and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of
 +happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their
 +crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that
 +the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro
 +and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care
 +for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made
 +him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small
 +matter: neither did I grudge it him.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW
 +THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF
 +
 +
 +So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and
 +love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to
 +complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years
 +too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not
 +yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time,
 +neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my
 +taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent
 +lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled
 +him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my
 +lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration.
 +Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the
 +richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the
 +soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master
 +was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often
 +jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this
 +end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander
 +them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others
 +for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money,
 +which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to
 +what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so
 +from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter
 +with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might
 +courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like
 +a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could
 +one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water
 +and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good
 +meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste,
 +which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great
 +favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and
 +harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the
 +enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising
 +of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to
 +Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he
 +hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not
 +possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to
 +him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew
 +more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that
 +the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a
 +reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he
 +should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys,
 +and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a
 +physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys
 +and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this
 +manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to
 +believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the
 +Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my
 +master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune
 +would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to
 +enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were
 +already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was
 +even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the
 +ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party
 +of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless
 +farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off
 +together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with
 +them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna
 +sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him
 +to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi
 +ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille
 +sebao" ("Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks
 +German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must
 +learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so
 +separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear
 +the consequences.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xv._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW
 +AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS
 +
 +
 +Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on
 +horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with
 +skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for
 +being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to
 +Büdingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the
 +rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen
 +horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was
 +even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the
 +Büdingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way
 +all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them
 +not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do
 +mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the
 +abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great
 +store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes
 +took as his share.
 +
 +In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and
 +wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black
 +bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and
 +beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content
 +to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which
 +had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like
 +the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be pricked with
 +their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades
 +at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean
 +out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than
 +attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with
 +danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking,
 +stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the
 +farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters.
 +And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a
 +forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that
 +time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if
 +they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to
 +heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not
 +wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but
 +on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on
 +him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse
 +or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and
 +covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often
 +see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not
 +ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair
 +he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he
 +was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet
 +though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his
 +own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never
 +were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we
 +were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the
 +Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14] leave us in
 +peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel.
 +
 +This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself
 +back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not
 +talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued,
 +beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my
 +colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks
 +like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet
 +then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I
 +soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep
 +my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as
 +yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I
 +gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of
 +calfskins made for me, with much greater asses' ears than I wore
 +before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less
 +skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease
 +or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day
 +and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because
 +'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of
 +clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our
 +quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a
 +smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I
 +stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the
 +nearest wood.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME
 +A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS
 +
 +
 +Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I
 +went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune:
 +for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by
 +highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me
 +somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see
 +my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their
 +trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and
 +'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to
 +which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to
 +search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?"
 +
 +Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses'
 +ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived
 +the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they
 +are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into
 +himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself
 +or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good
 +purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning
 +sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil,
 +and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too."
 +
 +Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly
 +as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed
 +themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more
 +often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till
 +I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed
 +through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness
 +was horrible to hear.
 +
 +Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took
 +for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage
 +fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my
 +coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a
 +cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance,
 +hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder
 +like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to
 +sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot,
 +searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked
 +up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found
 +nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said
 +they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so
 +suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken
 +by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if
 +'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well
 +perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the
 +devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of
 +them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What
 +thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I
 +would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken
 +both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might
 +well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had
 +found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and
 +'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their
 +hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the
 +darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able
 +powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and
 +the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do
 +conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would
 +have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found
 +nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to
 +make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch
 +in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need
 +question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me
 +yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with
 +provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among
 +common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that
 +the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and
 +quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled
 +to share them with the rest.
 +
 +Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little
 +spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if
 +my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found
 +myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my
 +food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack
 +was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by
 +night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could
 +carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood.
 +And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and
 +therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered
 +now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the
 +beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket
 +whenever I would.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES
 +
 +
 +During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods
 +different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if
 +the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and
 +were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the
 +highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had
 +with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was
 +of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must
 +needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the
 +uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs,
 +to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two
 +men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the
 +sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a
 +handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed
 +them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for
 +me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me
 +and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets
 +and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I
 +filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if
 +in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after
 +long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to
 +thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest
 +folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to
 +sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses' ears which made the
 +folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with
 +those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and
 +bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured
 +my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I
 +needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was
 +sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen
 +anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never
 +caught pilfering.
 +
 +It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my
 +customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a
 +farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that
 +there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I
 +wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the
 +yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and
 +stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed.
 +But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that
 +led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not
 +soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put
 +on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue
 +flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms,
 +pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window
 +one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great
 +terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in
 +my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not
 +much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such
 +stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the
 +living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find
 +it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon
 +I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out
 +of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as
 +pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and
 +my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to
 +a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count
 +how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a
 +wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had
 +taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs
 +turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all
 +faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the
 +second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two
 +put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over
 +two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and
 +the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed,
 +nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked
 +monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically.
 +My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood
 +outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had,
 +instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and
 +blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose
 +breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to
 +bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins,
 +and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the
 +slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his
 +arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout
 +all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded
 +therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew
 +began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to
 +roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into
 +what terror and fear I fell.
 +
 +In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a
 +monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged
 +out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so
 +filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says
 +he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from
 +thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name)
 +that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay
 +in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from
 +it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went
 +on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it
 +hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas
 +all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the
 +ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xviii._: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS'
 +CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW
 +
 +Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that
 +believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they
 +can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will
 +be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow.
 +With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an
 +art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I
 +could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest
 +fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but
 +think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft
 +into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth.
 +Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man,
 +who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than
 +a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother
 +(which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with
 +her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for
 +he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree,
 +piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe
 +because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says
 +he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he
 +said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder,
 +and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.
 +
 +When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little
 +after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at
 +the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that
 +she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us
 +of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an
 +adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself
 +with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise
 +they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but
 +because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon
 +rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us
 +of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by
 +rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of
 +Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know
 +well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch
 +their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a
 +great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his
 +schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh
 +of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and
 +thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take
 +him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there,
 +and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains
 +gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon
 +the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he
 +understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the
 +town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five
 +hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he
 +beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch
 +before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and
 +others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from
 +one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I
 +myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but
 +the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her
 +mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it
 +by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which
 +story, nevertheless, was hushed up.
 +
 +All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe
 +that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper
 +bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to
 +believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis
 +all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe
 +may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands
 +of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in
 +the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a
 +space of time.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A
 +FOOL BEFORE
 +
 +
 +So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader
 +that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not
 +having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things
 +I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great
 +terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in
 +no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most
 +of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty
 +well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came
 +foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I
 +was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills,
 +and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before
 +Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment,
 +who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served.
 +So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the
 +Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their
 +speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I
 +nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the
 +witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and
 +that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk
 +wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes
 +a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made
 +prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come
 +back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho!
 +'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau."
 +
 +Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no
 +more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured
 +outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment,
 +and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me;
 +for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to
 +another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and
 +therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it:
 +which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should
 +play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty
 +stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this
 +was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of
 +Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and
 +with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came
 +into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of
 +the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me
 +whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed
 +thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he
 +know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou
 +knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I
 +clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly
 +goods lay in them.
 +
 +Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and
 +the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my
 +hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so
 +that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of
 +to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I
 +liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it
 +away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors
 +pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came
 +there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured
 +for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then
 +I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he
 +appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey
 +him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet,
 +discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and
 +(which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and
 +full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and
 +by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor
 +and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the
 +Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to
 +continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a
 +muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my
 +colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the
 +dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so
 +the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xx._: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT
 +HANGS THEREBY
 +
 +
 +Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he
 +not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in
 +the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such
 +fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had
 +conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in
 +physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon
 +my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude
 +recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the
 +dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep
 +sighing and slept soundly till day.
 +
 +All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and
 +this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced
 +himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied
 +himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut,
 +because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would
 +not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any
 +one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air
 +outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the
 +opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with
 +me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed
 +I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear
 +friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able
 +to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest,
 +and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised
 +state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to
 +a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy
 +fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and
 +deed to help thee out of this fool's coat."
 +
 +So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been
 +a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon
 +the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and
 +wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those
 +which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my
 +fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could
 +see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me
 +danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his
 +counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith,
 +and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and
 +father.
 +
 +So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the
 +dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and
 +damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh
 +as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished
 +with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its
 +four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for
 +share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from
 +another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I
 +should have said, and might well have said[15] "cooperer"), whose
 +office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too
 +lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their
 +hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet
 +it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or
 +when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that
 +had it--for there were many broken heads to mend.
 +
 +At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win,
 +which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16] risk:
 +and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the
 +more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that
 +some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some
 +cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the
 +winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their
 +clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money
 +from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part,
 +would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others
 +threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers'
 +cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a
 +good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were,
 +as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished:
 +others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the
 +Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below.
 +Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with
 +split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners,
 +others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some
 +broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and
 +what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a
 +swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any
 +avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on
 +the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they
 +stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves
 +perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or
 +other grievous trouble and labour, had won.
 +
 +So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters
 +in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then
 +answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but
 +for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me,
 +and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my
 +governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp,
 +for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so.
 +And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already
 +broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy
 +neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by
 +deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth
 +commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on
 +him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is
 +so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need
 +and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this
 +plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won
 +honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this
 +intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art
 +not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich
 +man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so
 +uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of
 +thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same
 +committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money,
 +but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all,
 +there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend
 +Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that
 +thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I
 +answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and
 +dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor
 +answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take
 +part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea,
 +cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to
 +gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath
 +seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose)
 +so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than
 +that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through
 +and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea,
 +even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been
 +forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the
 +command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through
 +the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly
 +and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook
 +themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money,
 +quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent
 +such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away
 +their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore
 +now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is
 +appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any
 +harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the
 +other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the
 +tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain,
 +therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in
 +the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these
 +divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and
 +agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among
 +ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary
 +part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly
 +esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile
 +pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never
 +leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from
 +them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except
 +God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their
 +souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by
 +nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought
 +to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring
 +therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win
 +mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and
 +drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed
 +myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things
 +should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially
 +because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and
 +the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told
 +me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the
 +harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men
 +say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so
 +should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand
 +upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it
 +shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I
 +should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into
 +the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine
 +gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he,
 +"that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain
 +chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they
 +have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for
 +money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and
 +fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the
 +souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or
 +losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the
 +air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite
 +distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels,
 +he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to
 +their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the
 +mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own
 +again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time,
 +which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful
 +curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will
 +I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and
 +will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in,
 +during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and
 +homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray
 +in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the
 +envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the
 +thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and
 +of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive
 +such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are
 +wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their
 +madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more
 +blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with
 +their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the
 +opportunity to carry it out.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST
 +
 +
 +Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him,
 +yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a
 +fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage
 +and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My
 +colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once
 +when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention
 +pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would
 +spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could
 +catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the
 +bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when
 +they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so
 +could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it
 +went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then
 +besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and
 +encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men
 +and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole
 +city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised
 +every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my
 +workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil
 +customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was
 +kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this
 +mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others,
 +whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.
 +
 +So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was
 +distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is
 +master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a
 +fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the
 +bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth
 +not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be
 +commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its
 +best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he
 +was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at
 +his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had
 +pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague,
 +that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of
 +evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and
 +hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures,
 +malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise
 +no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient
 +Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout
 +women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither
 +to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story
 +of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they
 +endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told
 +me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such
 +were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with
 +artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden
 +chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore
 +breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they
 +were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure
 +bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all
 +which I believed him: so great a fool was I.
 +
 +On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained
 +me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his
 +son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army,
 +and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for
 +which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him
 +from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post
 +his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this
 +muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I
 +struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in
 +virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy
 +or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge,
 +therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it
 +made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's
 +coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however
 +the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father,
 +approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to
 +change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and
 +great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also
 +and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that
 +he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the
 +affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee:
 +for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I
 +declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew
 +me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the
 +colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's
 +secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be
 +raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how
 +at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was
 +always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or
 +the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations
 +how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my
 +faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected,
 +that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did
 +but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the
 +secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's
 +great favour and grace.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES
 +
 +'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers,
 +and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to
 +boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of
 +him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully
 +qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not
 +only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also,
 +yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his
 +countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have
 +Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though
 +the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held
 +themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his
 +ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with
 +this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more
 +his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively
 +humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost:
 +whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and
 +Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's
 +lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening
 +feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder
 +was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly
 +did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the
 +world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For
 +when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and
 +this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after
 +all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last
 +seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the
 +Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said
 +aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they
 +would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save
 +the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom,
 +even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would
 +not willingly bring to shame.
 +
 +So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into
 +the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the
 +matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how
 +'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had
 +the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's
 +breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their
 +clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed
 +round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner
 +of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right
 +merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies
 +that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted
 +away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang
 +out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on
 +golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there
 +were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot
 +down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became
 +smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it
 +turned into my colonel's cup.
 +
 +Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce
 +believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup:
 +so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved
 +this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never
 +believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my
 +secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should
 +have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a
 +care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of
 +my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."
 +
 +So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for
 +his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must
 +needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the
 +colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to
 +answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver
 +attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any
 +honourable fashion do so.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS
 +
 +
 +Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from
 +him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he
 +was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished
 +for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a
 +sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied
 +that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and
 +limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the
 +colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk
 +with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I
 +was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw
 +that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who
 +knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his
 +innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged
 +easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his
 +son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from
 +whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he
 +looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave
 +his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live,
 +but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief
 +of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep.
 +At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in
 +patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his
 +regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the
 +matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the
 +service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in
 +which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving
 +of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I
 +had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted
 +in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and
 +brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my
 +troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a
 +good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother,"
 +says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so
 +wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay,
 +nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and
 +took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to
 +count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said,
 +"Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it."
 +
 +Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for
 +very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and
 +therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together
 +with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they
 +would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all
 +which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their
 +perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to
 +be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and
 +prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the
 +hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye
 +two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in
 +fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to
 +love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.
 +
 +But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for
 +which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself
 +with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg,
 +and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish
 +army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the
 +meanwhile.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE
 +
 +
 +Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on
 +old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was
 +also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the
 +colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good
 +nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from
 +day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored
 +to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be
 +sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past.
 +Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to
 +know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good
 +calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent
 +physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named
 +the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since
 +many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.
 +
 +My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp,
 +for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered;
 +and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits,
 +he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge
 +that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which
 +cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he
 +described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it
 +were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the
 +time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things
 +which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or
 +had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water,
 +for he feared I might find my destruction therein.
 +
 +When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the
 +orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day,
 +most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay
 +and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a
 +lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the
 +colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith
 +by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the
 +orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of
 +the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that
 +availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to
 +say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never
 +found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the
 +honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and
 +nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he
 +did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as
 +soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he,
 +"for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "Tis well,"
 +says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this,"
 +says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would
 +condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered:
 +"I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by
 +reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task
 +needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will
 +be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full
 +satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime
 +let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old
 +Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your
 +worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your
 +worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he
 +goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he,
 +"Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end,
 +with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a
 +warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg
 +you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in
 +a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his
 +guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old
 +rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou
 +hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my
 +good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried
 +"Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in
 +his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the
 +Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had
 +him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count
 +Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad
 +discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not
 +safe from murderers."
 +
 +That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life:
 +for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck
 +till he was dead.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL
 +AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE
 +
 +From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not
 +to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe
 +nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any
 +man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to
 +him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken
 +of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for
 +a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only
 +this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still
 +wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he
 +foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me
 +do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not
 +whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the
 +rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of
 +them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully
 +accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old
 +Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble
 +parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but
 +common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help
 +Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he
 +should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all
 +the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry
 +their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.
 +
 +So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I
 +took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I
 +had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For
 +now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up
 +with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool
 +me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and
 +limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had
 +no opportunity.
 +
 +For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was
 +appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the
 +servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village,
 +wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each
 +went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I
 +stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which
 +I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must
 +be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone,
 +and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but
 +that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked
 +across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such
 +mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him
 +disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I
 +hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and
 +taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the
 +quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers'
 +ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name
 +of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those
 +rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was
 +hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg
 +and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by
 +our people.
 +
 +The captain's wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on
 +my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble
 +and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain
 +German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too
 +conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any
 +outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a
 +virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same
 +hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might
 +not be put to shame by my miserable peasant's kirtle. So that she did
 +and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll,
 +and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea,
 +and it waxed so that master and man begged of me that which I could not
 +grant to them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all
 +manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an
 +opportunity to get by force from me that which 'twas impossible he
 +should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome
 +my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of
 +obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or
 +lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the
 +servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night,
 +bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for
 +grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave
 +him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he
 +offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me
 +was an assurance 'twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he
 +became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point
 +at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if
 +he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and
 +therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning
 +give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed,
 +but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange
 +condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered,
 +for the captain's wife became more and more importunate with her
 +enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant
 +more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I
 +could see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain
 +tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the
 +servant beset me, so that my women's clothes were worse to wear than my
 +fool's cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed
 +Herzbruder's prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but
 +that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life
 +and limb. For the woman's apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not
 +get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had
 +once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair
 +wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal
 +myself to the servant as soon as 'twas day, for I thought, "his desires
 +will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will
 +help thee to man's clothes again and so out of all thy straits." Which
 +was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that
 +was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after
 +midnight, and came to get his "Yes" from me, and began to hammer on the
 +carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a
 +little too loud, "Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your
 +promise to me," and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent
 +close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes,
 +for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to
 +disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last
 +the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either
 +to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I
 +rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of
 +yesterday was on condition of marriage, without which he should have
 +nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began
 +to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he
 +would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. "Well," said I,
 +"if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will
 +soon follow." Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to
 +do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of
 +yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for
 +a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to
 +boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers' wives do it not on a
 +campaign. All other women's work which I could not do, such as brushing
 +and braiding hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she knew well I
 +had never learned it.
 +
 +But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was
 +so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain
 +himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the
 +captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer,
 +but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a
 +thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to
 +me, "Thou whore in grain," says he, "I will teach thee ..." and more he
 +could not say for very rage, but struck at me as if he were mad. But I
 +beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp:
 +for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting
 +the approach of the Swedes under Banér.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxvi._: HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER
 +
 +
 +As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even
 +as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals,
 +and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more
 +dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy
 +their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils' children when
 +a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows
 +looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me
 +not out of his sight, and when he saw 'twould go ill with me would
 +rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers
 +enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity
 +for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they
 +had the better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go,
 +would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows
 +beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became
 +greater and greater till it seemed almost like a tournament in which
 +each did his best for a fair lady's sake. All this terrible hubbub drew
 +the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing
 +had been torn from my body and 'twas plain that I was no woman: his
 +coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the
 +devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But
 +he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save
 +me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and
 +suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women's clothes.
 +Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which
 +were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the
 +Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were
 +about to pass my colonel's regiment, I was known and accosted and
 +furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody
 +to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.
 +
 +It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old
 +curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver
 +paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept,
 +see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also
 +have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same
 +evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental
 +sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might
 +the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted
 +me not only for a spy, but also for one that could use witchcraft; for
 +shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who
 +confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General
 +Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg
 +might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an
 +answer were these. (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least
 +could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg
 +disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain's service I had been as
 +sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women's apparel?
 +(4) Whether I had not been at the witches' dance with other sorcerers?
 +(5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned
 +before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what
 +end I had learned women's work such as washing, baking, cooking, and
 +also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the
 +circumstances of my strange adventures might explain all; but the judge
 +was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he
 +desired only a round answer to each question; and that I answered in
 +the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was
 +exact or precise--as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read
 +and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool's coat because I
 +had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool's coat and could come
 +at no men's clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will
 +and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my
 +parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a
 +colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been
 +forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing
 +at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was
 +written out, "How canst thou deny," says he, "and say thou hast not
 +studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in
 +the mass said 'Domine non sum dignus,' thou didst answer in Latin that
 +he need not say that, for all knew it."
 +
 +"Sir," said I, "others taught me that and persuaded me 'twas a prayer
 +that one must use at mass, when our chaplain was saying it." "Yes,
 +yes," said he, "I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue
 +must be loosed by the torture." Whereat I thought, "God help thee if
 +thy tongue follow thy foolish head!"
 +
 +Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our
 +provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as
 +soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must
 +without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my
 +bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was
 +dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of
 +my fool's coat again.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxvii._: HOW THE PROVOST FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK
 +
 +
 +The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I
 +was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General, who had before him my
 +deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more
 +closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had
 +happened to me, yet was not believed, nor could the judge be sure
 +whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did
 +question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade
 +me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if
 +my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man
 +could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been
 +daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The
 +Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination
 +had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: "What!" says
 +he, "write down 'Thy mother the whore.'"
 +
 +Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but
 +make my case worse,[17] for the Advocate-General said he was now well
 +assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they
 +searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him
 +no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them
 +naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the
 +presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) there he
 +found my two asses' ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms.
 +Then said they: "What need we any further witness? This traitor hath
 +without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any
 +honest man disguise himself in a fool's raiment, or a man conceal
 +himself in women's garments? And how could any suppose that a man would
 +carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he
 +intended to do some great deed therewith?" For said they, did he not
 +himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest
 +soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? "Gentlemen," says they,
 +"what think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The
 +shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake:
 +seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and
 +therefore deserveth no better."
 +
 +How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was
 +innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and
 +lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which the Judge-Advocate-General
 +had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities
 +with me Banér's folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought
 +for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which
 +our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line
 +of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to
 +our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind;
 +and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our
 +lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of
 +singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour.
 +At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into
 +themselves: but they that had courage and had been present at such
 +sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In
 +the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the
 +cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible
 +noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes,
 +and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together
 +with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one
 +see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal
 +the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be
 +heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that
 +were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more
 +and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew
 +themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to
 +do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full
 +of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their
 +faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders,
 +and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had
 +in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant
 +burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and
 +madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The
 +earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead was there itself covered
 +with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that
 +had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their
 +heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful
 +fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered:
 +there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood
 +while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms
 +shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be
 +fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no
 +drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the
 +burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before:
 +there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the
 +contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a
 +word, 'twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish
 +conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had
 +defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit.
 +At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to
 +flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason
 +of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with
 +death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up
 +with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, "Lookye,
 +old dog," says he, "is it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will
 +I pay thee for thy pains."
 +
 +But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil.
 +So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have
 +come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were
 +grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the
 +provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down
 +with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by
 +Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a
 +horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxviii._: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN
 +THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH
 +
 +
 +But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger,
 +his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain,
 +carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when
 +the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and
 +Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me
 +with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as
 +a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these
 +promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little
 +older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that
 +I must be content.
 +
 +But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel,
 +and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for
 +when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on
 +the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to
 +me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers
 +against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own
 +young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the
 +protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their
 +free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the
 +harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach
 +them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[18] I busied myself
 +with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy
 +this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to
 +drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by
 +poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I
 +the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean
 +shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to
 +feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I
 +whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did
 +only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet.
 +At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and
 +so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under
 +the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from
 +their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little.
 +
 +Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an
 +expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been
 +as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have
 +terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily,
 +and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called
 +between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my
 +friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared
 +they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder
 +that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge,
 +because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no
 +longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping,
 +and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war
 +with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be
 +wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and
 +murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with
 +blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such
 +as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take
 +their walks under that same tree.
 +
 +Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin
 +doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the
 +battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge
 +myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that
 +would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the
 +wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often
 +lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so
 +furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the
 +Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last
 +they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner.
 +Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had
 +just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the
 +tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon,
 +and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass,
 +and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he
 +was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for
 +I must serve him as his foot-boy.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxix._: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW
 +THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE
 +
 +
 +Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole
 +house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And
 +that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and
 +burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again
 +as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can
 +believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I
 +had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I
 +had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of
 +those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented
 +with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in
 +what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his
 +weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of
 +the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that
 +he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I
 +must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with
 +water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for
 +me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole
 +body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with
 +such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to
 +book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea,
 +and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must
 +soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from
 +eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered
 +out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he
 +would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this
 +good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of
 +loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have
 +followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast
 +clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my
 +hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth
 +three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither
 +Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack.
 +
 +All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to
 +Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not
 +indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might
 +grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns
 +had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their
 +guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one
 +horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to
 +pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our
 +fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God
 +grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he
 +understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer
 +every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a
 +fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a
 +brave new coat for thee."
 +
 +Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember
 +the Battle of Pavia,[19] so weatherbeaten and shabby was it: and with
 +the giving of it he did me but little kindness.
 +
 +Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of
 +angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink
 +that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we
 +had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and
 +delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned
 +to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese
 +on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a
 +knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer
 +beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past
 +sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had
 +been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould
 +not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags.
 +
 +But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began
 +to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it
 +hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage
 +thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of
 +scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I
 +took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common
 +green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he
 +should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and
 +inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I
 +gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the
 +cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me
 +out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily
 +incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of
 +trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the
 +coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself.
 +But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading.
 +
 +But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better
 +clothed than he: therefore he rides to Soest, borrows money from his
 +captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to
 +repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did.
 +He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly
 +to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an
 +end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some
 +other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must
 +perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he
 +had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein
 +skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon's horse,
 +fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went
 +a-walking.
 +
 +The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a
 +musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for
 +that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and
 +lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all
 +weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge
 +him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him,
 +would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should
 +drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid.
 +
 +This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman,
 +and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and
 +from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and
 +especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause,
 +and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for
 +the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called
 +me the "little huntsman": and meanwhile I learned to know every way and
 +path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by
 +reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood,
 +then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent
 +me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I
 +could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they
 +give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a
 +prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they
 +deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the
 +ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved
 +gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy
 +a dragoon.
 +
 +But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my
 +master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good
 +living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was
 +aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had
 +got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short
 +shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I
 +wrote for him:
 +
 + "Old Miserly lies here, a soldier brave and good,
 + Who all his lifetime through shed ne'er a drop of blood."
 +
 +By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man's horse
 +and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a
 +lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear
 +any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place
 +of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew
 +my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old
 +breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: and when in the
 +process of things I must give in my name--namely, Simplicius
 +Simplicissimus--and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could
 +not write it down aright, says he, "There is no devil in hell with such
 +a name." Thereon I asked him quickly, "Was there one there named
 +Cyriack?" and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer:
 +and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well
 +of me.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxx._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN
 +THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT
 +
 +
 +Now the commandant in Soest needed a lad in his stables, of the kind
 +that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased
 +that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he
 +made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pass for a man:
 +and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he,
 +"Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant." So I asked what
 +would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his
 +horses. "No, sir," quoth I, "we are not for one another: I would rather
 +have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing
 +that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy
 +beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I
 +can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man,
 +or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be
 +as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier." I answered,
 +"That can be tried upon the next occasion," and therewithal I gave him
 +to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was,
 +and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating.
 +
 +So now I betook myself to my old dragoon's old breeches, and having
 +dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier's
 +horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as
 +bright as looking-glass. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for
 +this name of the "huntsman" suited well with my fancy: and my old suit
 +I gave to my lad; for 'twas too small for me. And so could I ride on
 +mine own account like a young nobleman, and thought no small beer of
 +myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like
 +an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers:
 +and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even
 +buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which
 +I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only
 +would all leave me in peace but would have my friendship moreover.
 +Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all
 +expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker
 +on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must
 +charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So
 +was I in brief time known both among friends and foes, and so famous
 +that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous
 +attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole
 +detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any
 +Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers
 +so rich a share thereof that 'twas allowed me to play my tricks on
 +forbidden ground, for whatever I did I was supported. General Count
 +Götz had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy's garrisons--to wit,
 +in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfeld: and all these three I
 +mightily plagued! for I was before their gates, now here, now there,
 +one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good
 +prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I
 +could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now
 +was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy
 +would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in
 +their neighbourhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that
 +where a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for
 +that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine
 +officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans
 +of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the
 +countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them
 +that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent
 +wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that
 +reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from
 +the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I
 +laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought
 +the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished:
 +and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and
 +good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must
 +be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that
 +they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could
 +shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer,
 +without injury to my duty and to my allegiance to my master, I
 +neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently
 +forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for
 +whosoever, at the age wherein I then was, would be an ensign, must be
 +of noble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there
 +were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to
 +another: for so would he have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So
 +must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained
 +over the heads of old soldiers, though 'twas but a small thing, yet
 +this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge
 +me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans
 +to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such
 +foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to
 +shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every
 +day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result.
 +So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at
 +Ostende,[20] and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to
 +the well till it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a
 +foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow
 +haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of
 +one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them
 +well, and so gained the envy of all the officers.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE
 +HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF
 +
 +
 +Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before
 +I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing
 +to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not
 +also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should
 +get reputation among the people.
 +
 +Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss
 +Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we
 +thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide
 +ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a
 +week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the
 +appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so
 +had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and
 +so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good
 +friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And
 +therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would
 +not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately
 +run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which
 +beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had
 +despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so
 +he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them.
 +
 +"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned
 +arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, _re vera_, if I
 +could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an
 +excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered
 +our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave
 +the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were
 +unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I
 +founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain.
 +And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so
 +great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes
 +with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village
 +and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and
 +coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the
 +priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fashion and abutted on the wall
 +that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade
 +what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on
 +him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I
 +could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for
 +farmers do not often have their houses decorated.
 +
 +The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep
 +Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the
 +soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his
 +journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught
 +of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would
 +eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day
 +was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I
 +went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to
 +appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant
 +plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread,
 +that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the
 +innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be
 +had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I
 +came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his
 +fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey
 +to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome
 +and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some
 +pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must
 +follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in
 +the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw
 +that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles,
 +meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the
 +chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they
 +smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades
 +in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were.
 +Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said
 +oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as
 +aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows
 +sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two
 +monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a
 +surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the
 +reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we
 +came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would
 +hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my
 +journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take
 +thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I
 +was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a
 +little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and
 +in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the
 +priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so
 +holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my
 +student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart
 +I left behind among the smoked sausages.
 +
 +Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and
 +arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows
 +to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took
 +the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm
 +dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my
 +heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and
 +considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's
 +kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this
 +turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the
 +churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from
 +a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any
 +chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees),
 +so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with
 +a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my
 +purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered
 +myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened
 +one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my
 +comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to
 +carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my
 +shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor
 +Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself
 +caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down
 +the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the
 +ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in
 +which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was
 +awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who
 +came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her
 +shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she
 +took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew
 +harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire
 +and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by
 +what means I could help myself out: yet found I none.
 +
 +Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would
 +break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade
 +them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the
 +roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and
 +disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not
 +be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself
 +struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the
 +kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my
 +head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and
 +accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of
 +ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer
 +could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had
 +likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have
 +granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle
 +round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans
 +about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck,
 +and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need.
 +
 +All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with
 +his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup
 +on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the
 +sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to
 +exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me
 +to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's
 +part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will
 +wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring
 +and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and
 +commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to
 +the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice,
 +that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the
 +roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to
 +play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he
 +hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he
 +bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down
 +the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then
 +again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry
 +and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of
 +wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than
 +anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as
 +the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that
 +the devil loved to appear clad in green.
 +
 +Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I
 +was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to
 +the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily
 +drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I
 +found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the
 +parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had
 +brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands,
 +we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village
 +save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their
 +owners.
 +
 +With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had
 +cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not
 +stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his
 +belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon,
 +had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he
 +were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer
 +and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no
 +single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as
 +splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share
 +because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions
 +laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and
 +had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of
 +safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had
 +to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with
 +all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook
 +ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for
 +there lay our main body.
 +
 +And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and
 +now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening
 +spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and
 +terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I
 +took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same
 +plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure
 +hand with this letter: "Reverend Sir,--Had I but in these last days had
 +aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal
 +your reverence's bacon, in which matter 'tis likely you were terrified.
 +I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and
 +so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself,
 +'tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in place of money I
 +send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must
 +needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the
 +same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an
 +obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no
 +painter and who is otherwise known as 'The Huntsman.'"
 +
 +But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of
 +the general booty sixteen rix-dollars: for I had taught them that in
 +such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that
 +such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such
 +another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to
 +Münster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters,
 +where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as
 +follows: "Noble Huntsman,--If he from whom you stole the bacon had
 +known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so
 +often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed
 +meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright
 +inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because 'twas caused
 +(against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with
 +the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not
 +to conjure the devil.--Vale."
 +
 +And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I
 +gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived
 +that I had laid out that ring well, though 'twas worth some hundred
 +rix-dollars. And so ends this second book.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 + BOOK III
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. i._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND
 +
 +
 +The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how
 +ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found
 +honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved
 +punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be
 +further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb;
 +for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by
 +reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a
 +night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In
 +this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part
 +before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own
 +cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given
 +these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean
 +impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now
 +again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So
 +that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes,
 +'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met
 +together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new
 +invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in
 +truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And
 +besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so
 +that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints
 +could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who
 +were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from
 +some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to
 +find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when
 +we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at
 +cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on
 +hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak
 +in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to
 +appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that
 +I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument
 +wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow
 +three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two
 +hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept
 +secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all
 +incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with
 +a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though
 +'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but
 +hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in
 +the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all
 +this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market
 +among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying
 +of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are
 +folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis
 +but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that
 +talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far
 +from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know
 +him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I
 +here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own
 +eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear
 +cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the
 +horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I
 +know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I
 +hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by,
 +for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of
 +cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so
 +forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain
 +boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then
 +all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by
 +the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also
 +think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when
 +he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had
 +published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would
 +be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my
 +history.
 +
 +If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were
 +neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find
 +for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the
 +horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could
 +trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if
 +'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused
 +to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat
 +swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night,
 +these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might
 +grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and
 +soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them
 +for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the
 +cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly
 +with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought
 +home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so
 +I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and
 +betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself
 +far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such
 +small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an
 +epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot
 +my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might
 +look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they
 +that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all
 +vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy
 +was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied,
 +specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any
 +other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky
 +in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they
 +themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other
 +would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN
 +OF WESEL
 +
 +
 +Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to
 +have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto
 +appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and
 +specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the
 +affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a
 +fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green,
 +and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there
 +in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded
 +plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly,
 +had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other
 +like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon
 +him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape
 +and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at
 +Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or
 +pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be
 +revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the
 +commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly
 +if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that
 +determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do
 +great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly
 +in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and
 +horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in
 +my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either
 +kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever
 +again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer)
 +till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself
 +to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as
 +sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as
 +any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing
 +became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy
 +became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac
 +close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet
 +what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went
 +ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name
 +getting plunder enough and to spare.
 +
 +Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin
 +and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works
 +of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in
 +name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he
 +could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans
 +accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants
 +like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would
 +have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink
 +and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel,
 +to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to
 +live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he
 +cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since
 +'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead,
 +and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all
 +highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him
 +to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let
 +himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a
 +certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch
 +away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other
 +servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up
 +his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed
 +unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when
 +they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have
 +it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there
 +might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I
 +see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore";
 +and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing
 +it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out
 +if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel
 +was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him
 +by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter?
 +That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not
 +which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him
 +in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the
 +emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a
 +rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of
 +Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye
 +be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who
 +are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the
 +huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder
 +your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let
 +himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have
 +said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and
 +Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is
 +it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not
 +that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear
 +against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head:
 +till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a
 +rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest
 +the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like
 +Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns)
 +laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and
 +gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat
 +the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at
 +Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet
 +dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field
 +growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must
 +fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says
 +the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this,
 +master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus
 +wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet
 +he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and
 +the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so
 +I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain:
 +but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils'
 +disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two
 +fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might
 +do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his
 +"Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might
 +live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they
 +so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at
 +once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep."
 +"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and
 +away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor
 +huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I
 +pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that,
 +in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would
 +not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the
 +face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with
 +this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from
 +Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared
 +everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real
 +truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more
 +feared, and contrariwise less loved.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE
 +REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS
 +
 +
 +Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of
 +life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I
 +would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous
 +and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed
 +it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I
 +made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright
 +ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the
 +country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town
 +advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in
 +mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons:
 +and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And
 +when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and
 +away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so
 +flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I
 +had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand:
 +for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I
 +was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.
 +
 +Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from
 +Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as
 +was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there
 +came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had
 +in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but
 +this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me
 +divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince
 +that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and
 +now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his
 +liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a
 +good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so
 +charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life
 +long."
 +
 +With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock,
 +and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder
 +wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very
 +gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed
 +him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once
 +refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought
 +him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I
 +asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not
 +ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might
 +perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to
 +rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about
 +their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that
 +instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too
 +much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more
 +acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter
 +himself.
 +
 +Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had
 +my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the
 +time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the
 +fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now,
 +worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his
 +heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question,
 +which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the
 +heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to
 +whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the
 +Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret
 +wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's
 +own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great
 +outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the
 +clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I
 +could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have
 +always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all
 +times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to
 +learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse
 +than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and
 +without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment
 +and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will."
 +
 +I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy
 +toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the
 +world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war,
 +thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment
 +peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend
 +for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou
 +sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do
 +find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy
 +the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND
 +BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS
 +
 +
 +So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as
 +if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage
 +things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I
 +will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of
 +the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the
 +righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers,
 +and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the
 +innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye
 +earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little?
 +For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and
 +yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a
 +body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the
 +full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus
 +add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my
 +Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts,
 +dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by
 +all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the
 +hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable
 +cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but
 +useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas
 +Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the
 +influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword
 +with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the
 +godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall
 +need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every
 +fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the
 +first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the
 +greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and
 +sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat."
 +
 +"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule
 +over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and
 +a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these
 +things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I
 +marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have;
 +Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my
 +thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw
 +it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada,
 +though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile
 +distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads
 +before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his
 +triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then
 +shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for
 +peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then
 +if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will
 +he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off
 +the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and
 +then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall
 +destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores,
 +and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon
 +if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly
 +submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and
 +disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the
 +others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall
 +he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies
 +around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose
 +out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall
 +reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all
 +villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois
 +throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear
 +of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes,
 +and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than
 +in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble
 +all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among
 +their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their
 +borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with
 +all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of
 +Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak
 +German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I
 +shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the
 +earth."
 +
 +"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this,
 +if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand
 +them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least
 +protest against it before gods and men?"
 +
 +"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that
 +score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have
 +lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the
 +commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he
 +will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love
 +their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German
 +people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable
 +than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one
 +and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom
 +because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so
 +much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be
 +lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into
 +Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the
 +Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as
 +helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all
 +kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads
 +of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before
 +their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake
 +himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I
 +have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and
 +name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city
 +in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in
 +America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls
 +shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as
 +the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple
 +entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the
 +treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities
 +from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in
 +Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary,
 +Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him.
 +Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it
 +were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it
 +as a fief to the Roman emperor."
 +
 +Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the
 +Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark
 +(because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain,
 +France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in
 +those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated
 +lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as
 +in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE
 +SAME MOULD
 +
 +
 +Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged
 +Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then
 +'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and
 +nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms:
 +and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a
 +thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said
 +Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying
 +hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride
 +my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits
 +only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most
 +envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the
 +decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly
 +he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own
 +as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not,
 +by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy
 +Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said
 +he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his
 +evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did
 +Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that
 +my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I
 +promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to
 +know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art
 +he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is
 +pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone
 +about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in
 +peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy
 +urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter,
 +"my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all
 +things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful,"
 +said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I
 +will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after
 +my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads
 +of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving
 +speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most
 +pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a
 +general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such
 +according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the
 +most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions
 +and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two
 +translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider
 +weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and
 +drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and
 +yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside
 +the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down
 +in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian
 +religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition,
 +the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely
 +scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will
 +devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not
 +to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that
 +is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his
 +order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and
 +aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also
 +will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all
 +the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray
 +without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the
 +Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow
 +himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly
 +with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete
 +so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the
 +gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness,
 +but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the
 +business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with
 +their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then
 +will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this
 +purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with
 +pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him
 +to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all
 +thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou
 +hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of
 +nectar."
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER
 +
 +
 +Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he
 +pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to
 +escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for
 +in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The
 +reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so
 +took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I
 +came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for
 +Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all
 +the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have
 +lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy,
 +adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the
 +world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass
 +Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting
 +cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity
 +the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another
 +with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber;
 +Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander;
 +Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole
 +crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged
 +nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the
 +nostrils of all the world."
 +
 +"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my
 +graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous
 +liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and
 +beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst
 +like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount
 +Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in
 +Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these
 +plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's
 +box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake
 +the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow
 +Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves,
 +and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then
 +will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and
 +there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies."
 +
 +Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he
 +had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore.
 +And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear
 +to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire."
 +So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of
 +the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their
 +ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that,
 +though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on
 +account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went
 +astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering
 +creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only
 +murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their
 +fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter
 +further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously
 +that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help,
 +yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected
 +that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose
 +them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either
 +impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas
 +themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me
 +and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women
 +to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their
 +preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be
 +executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like
 +oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed
 +between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their
 +own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye
 +must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea,
 +truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not
 +suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their
 +lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that
 +we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings."
 +Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel
 +their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly:
 +and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen,
 +I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only
 +this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they
 +will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him
 +no better.
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY
 +
 +
 +Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we
 +must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore
 +Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man
 +that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat
 +coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my
 +perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they
 +had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I
 +might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay,
 +but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no
 +advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of
 +road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and
 +three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me
 +to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only
 +a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well.
 +For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the
 +ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the
 +mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and
 +bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to
 +advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should
 +come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some
 +should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old
 +veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort
 +would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because
 +certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But
 +others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great
 +reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our
 +hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field;
 +for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to